Mission Earth - Table of Contents

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

The Invaders Plan

The Cover
Between the Cover and Chapter One

Part One
Chapter One - The Confession of Soltan Gris
Chapter Two - Gris and Hisst 
Chapter Three - Eye of the Lepertige 
Chapter Four - Space Dodgeball 
Chapter Five - The Abduction of Jettero Heller 
Chapter Six - Black Holes Do Not Work That Way 
Chapter Seven - Imperialist Alien Environmentalists 
Chapter Eight - Eco-Friendly Espionage

Part Two
Chapter One - (Series) Title Drop 
Chapter Two - This is Only a Test 
Chapter Three - In Which a Watch is an Excuse for a Slightly-Exciting Action Scene 
Chapter Four - Jettero Heller is Better Than You
Chapter Five - A Fleet of Office Buildings 
Chapter Six - Insert Admiral Ackbar Joke Here 
Chapter Seven - Jettero Heller Has a Sweeter Crib Than You 
Chapter Eight - Real Horrorshow, Hubbard 

Part Three
Chapter One - Fraternizing With The Enemy 
Chapter Two - Let's Go For A Walk 
Chapter Three - The Countess Krak Whips It Good 
Chapter Four - The Countess Krak is Ruined Forever 
Chapter Five - The Murders of the Countess Krak 
Chapter Six - Disciplinary Action 
Chapter Seven - Friend Computer 
Chapter Eight - Multitasking 

Part Four
Chapter One - Love (and Industrial Cleaning Agents) is in the Air
Chapter Two - Bloody Tears and Other Romance 
Chapter Three - I Rage, Darwin Cries, Gris Pukes 
Chapter Four - Gris Keeps Barfing 
Chapter Five - Bow Chicka Bow Wow 
Chapter Six - The Computer Saves Another Chapter 
Chapter Seven - Chance Polyhedrals 
Chapter Eight - This Is Why You Don't Let Others Gamble With Your Money 
Chapter Nine - Die Dice Die 

Part Five
Chapter One - Stop, in the Name of Love (Before I Break Your Skull)  
Chapter Two - We Finally Leave Spiteos 
Chapter Three - What a Piece of Junk 
Chapter Four - Threats and Loopholes 
Chapter Five - A Spaceship Changes Location 
Chapter Six - More Spaceship Maintenance 
Chapter Seven - And Now We Make Party 
Chapter Eight - Gaze in Awe Upon Jettero Heller's Wonderful Spaceship 

Part Six
Chapter One - Sweet Transvestite
Chapter Two - Plight of the Homeless 
Chapter Three - Unused Allocation C231 
Chapter Four - Bugs Bunny and Sigmund Freud 
Chapter Five - Not to be Confused with the Blues Devil 
Chapter Six - Demonic Dinosaurs 
Chapter Seven - Learning What You Already Know 

Part Seven
Chapter One - But is it Quilted for Softness?  
Chapter Two - The Tragedy of Human Trafficking 
Chapter Three - Very Dangerous Walls 
Chapter Four - Screw This, I'm Outta Here 
Chapter Five - Vacation's Over, Get Back to Work
Chapter Six - Pimpmobile 
Chapter Seven - A New Rebeginning 
Chapter Eight - Grease is the Word 

Part Eight
Chapter One - It's a Date!  
Chapter Two - Can You Feel the Tension Building? 
Chapter Three - Alien Parking Practices 
Chapter Four - A Short-Lived Meme, Born on Stage Right Before Your Eyes 
Chapter Five - There Once Was a Woman from Manco 
Chapter Six - Generic Not-Spies Co. 
Chapter Seven - Fleet Admirals Parachute to Work, Of Course 

Part Nine
Chapter One - Hopefully We're Done With The Countess Krak's Backstory Now  
Chapter Two - The Mystery of Gris' Malfunctioning Appendage 
Chapter Three - One Man's Torture is a Voltarian's Kink, Apparently 
Chapter Four - Revelation and a Vow of Retribution
Chapter Five - Trick Disemboweling 
Chapter Six - Row Row, Fight the Power! 
Chapter Seven - Imperial Necromancy 
Chapter Eight - Bittlestiffender, a Name You Can Trust 
Chapter Nine - Gris Gets Some 
Chapter Ten - $5,000 Sweetbuns 

Part Ten
Chapter One - Gold, Again
Chapter Two - Nor Swedish, Farsi, Japanese, Sumerian, Latin... 
Chapter Three - Because Nothing Says "Satire" Like Implied Bestiality 
Chapter Four - Stinkens and Snahp 
Chapter Five - "Stiffen" Isn't a Command I Could Shout With a Straight Face 
Chapter Six - How Not To Blackmail Someone 
Chapter Seven - Everything Is Coming Up Gris 
Chapter Eight - Oh God, Foreshadowing 
Chapter Nine - Gris Throws a Temper Tantrum 

Part Eleven
Chapter One - Gris Triumphant
Chapter Two - What 
Chapter Three - There's Some Hope for the Boy After All 
Chapter Four - This is a Test of the Heller Monitoring System 
Chapter Five - The Master Plan Revealed 
Chapter Six - "You'll Get What's Coming to You"
Chapter Seven - Blood and Guts in the Coat Closet 
Chapter Eight - In Which Drugs are the Answer 
Chapter Nine - In Took 615 Pages, But They Finally Launched That Stupid Spaceship 

Intermission - The Story Thus Far And Why It Doesn't Make Me Want To Read Any Further

Black Genesis

The Stuff Before Chapter One

Part Twelve
Chapter One - Presumably We're in Space Now
Chapter Two - Hyperspace is Boring
Chapter Three - Gris Has a Fever, and the Only Cure is Paperwork 
Chapter Four - In Which Time and Space are Twisted Beyond Comprehension 
Chapter Five - Dropped Subtitle Drop 
Chapter Six - Hitting the Ground Running 
Chapter Seven - (Muddled) History 
Chapters Eight and Nine - Homecoming 
Chapter Ten - Through Heller's Eyes 

Part Thirteen
Chapter One - The Mystery of the Turkish Camel
Chapter Two - The Latest in Chicago Fashion 
Chapter Three - Inconsistently Hard Light 
Chapter Four - Hands of Red, Ow My Head
Chapter Five - Genuine Imported Turkish Belly Dancers, Only $5,000 + S&H
Chapter Six - So Long, Turkey 

Part Fourteen
Chapter One - A White-Man Thing
Chapter Two - The Healing Power of Song 
Chapter Three - Heller Buys a Car 
Chapter Four - In Which the Author Abandons any Semblance of Subtlety 
Chapter Five - I Don't Think "Ka-Ka" Means What Hubbard Thinks It Does 
Chapter Six - Outsmarted by a Man Who Thinks There's Horses in His Car 
Chapter Seven - Heller Goes Shopping, We Get to Watch 

Part Fifteen
Chapter One - On the Road Again
Chapter Two - Off the Road Already 
Chapter Three - The Plot Thickens, or Possibly Curdles 
Chapter Four - Death, Drugs, and Target Practice 
Chapter Five - High-Tech One-Way Radios 
Chapter Six - To Understand Something, You Must Set It On Fire 
Chapter Seven - Breakfast, More Driving, and an Obituary 
Chapter Eight - Waiting Impatiently on That Hitman 
Chapter Nine - In Which an Attempt to End This Series Early Tragically Fails 

Intermission - I Am So Lost 

Part Sixteen
Chapter One - The Search for Housing
Chapter Two - Whore Economics 
Chapter Three - Collars and Cabbies 
Chapter Four - Crazy Taxi 
Chapter Five - Vehicular Homicide Is Fine, Littering Is Not 
Chapter Six - Kittens Don't Really Have Fingers, Hubbard 
Chapter Seven - Improbable Weapon User 
Chapter Eight - A Villain is Introduced and Killed in the Same Chapter 

Part Seventeen
Chapter One - Pimpmobile II - This Time It Gets Worse Mileage
Chapter Two - Jettero Heller Has a Sweeter Crib Than You, Again 
Chapter Three - Voyeurism
Chapter Four - Heller Reads Magazines and Threatens to Murder Someone 
Chapter Five - Heller Fixes a TV, Showers, and is Fitted for Clothing 
Chapter Six - Heller Procrastinates and Considers Buying Stocks 
Chapter Seven - Heller Experiences Some Actual Setbacks 

Part Eighteen
Chapter One - Unfashionable Nonconformity
Chapter Two - Valentine's Day Massacre
Chapter Three - Nerds to Rescue, Obstacles to Negotiate 
Chapter Four - Remorse But Not Responsibility
Chapter Five - The Apparatus Computer Has New Competition 
Chapter Six - The Exciting World of Economics 
Chapter Seven - Books With Excruciatingly Long Titles 
Chapter Eight - I'm So Tired of This Book I Could Burp 

Part Nineteen
Chapter One - College, Abridged 
Chapter Two - Officer Material 
Chapter Three - She May Not Look Like Much, But She's Got It Where It Counts 
Chapter Four - The Man with the Golden Llama 
Chapter Five - A Group of Class Gathering in a Park 
Chapter Six - Ending the Book with a Bang 

The Enemy Within

The Wheel of Madness Turns Once More

Part Twenty
Chapter One - Déjà Vu 
Chapter Two - An Alien Touring Offices Counts as Sci-Fi, Right? 
Chapter Three - Dressing Down While Undressed 
Chapter Four - Utanc Arrives, Not Appears 
Chapter Five - Congestion 
Chapter Six - Goldilocks and the Three Commissars 
Chapter Seven - A High-Upkeep Slave 
Chapter Eight - Desert Nomads Know a Thing or Two About Sound Quality 
Chapter Nine - Broken Hearts and Shattered Faces 

Part Twenty-One
Chapter One - A Refreshing Return to Anti-Psychologist Tracts 
Chapter Two - Marketing and Modern Art 
Chapter Three - How Many Double Entendres Can Hubbard Pack Into One Chapter 
Chapter Four - Space Age Blackface Technology 
Chapter Five - The Mystery of Goldmine Creek 
Chapter Six - It's Not Illegal If A Consul Does It 

Part Twenty-Two
Chapter One - The Battle-Whores of the Gracious Palms 
Chapter Two - Telecommunications Anxiety 
Chapter Three - Mystery Solved, Back to Work 
Chapter Four - Mission-Critical Crockery 
Chapter Five - Please Help Me Kill Lots of People, Amen 
Chapter Six - The Silent Treatment 
Chapter Seven - Read About a Guy Reading a Letter 
Chapter Eight - Suspicion, Lobsters, and Cobweb Machines 

Part Twenty-Three
Chapter One - Thinking Hurts 
Chapter Two - The Groundbreaking Chapter the Oil Companies Don't Want You to Read! 
Chapter Three - A One-Chapter Quest for Scotch 
Chapter Four - As Opposed to a Malevolent Hospital 
Chapter Five - So Much For Medical Confidentiality 
Chapter Six - Mandatory Nicknaming 
Chapter Seven - Has Soltan Gris Mentioned He's Heterosexual Today? 
Chapter Eight - Hat > Nuke 
Chapter Eight - Has Soltan Gris Mentioned He's a Psychologist Today? 

Part Twenty-Four
Chapter One - Gris' Brain Goes Topsy-Turvy 
Chapter Two - Flip the Wiggo  
Chapter Three - Surgery and Statutory Rape 
Chapter Four - A Fear So Great It Can Only Be Expressed In All-Caps 
Chapter Five - Even the Technician Forgot to RTFM 

Part Twenty-Five
Chapter One - Women Like Being Dirty and Cooking Things, Right? 
Chapter Two - Putting the "Satire" in Funeral 
Chapter Three - Heller Explains It All, Gris Finally Gets a Clue 
Chapter Four - Panic Mode 
Chapter Five - Death Threats and Child Abduction
Chapter Six - A Brilliant Doctor, Just Don't Ask About His Girlfriend 
Chapter Seven - A Magical Telescope, Gold Lust, and a Lebanese 
Chapter Eight - Another Sexual Deviant Joins the Cast Herd 

Part Twenty-Six
Chapter One - Gris Leaves His Brain in Turkey 
Chapter Two - The Rockecenter Story 
Chapter Three - Skyscraper Trumps Obelisk 
Chapter Four - More Voyeurism
Chapter Five - An Action Sequence Involving a Child's Toy 
Chapter Six - Gris Makes Some Phone Calls and Goes to a Meeting 
Chapter Seven - Delbert John Rockecenter 

Part Twenty-Seven
Chapters One and Two - Invisible Stamps and Scheduling Mishaps 
Chapter Three - In the Offices of Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze 
Chapter Four - Mr. Bury on the Phone 
Chapter Five - Kosher Hot Dogs and a To-Do List 
Chapter Six - A Colossal Waste of Manpower and Taxpayer Money
Chapter Seven - Gris Makes a Withdrawal and Has a Gun 
Chapter Eight - The Console Organ of Bad News 

Part Twenty-Eight
Chapter One - The Three C's and Mr. Mmmmmfffff 
Chapter Two - The Seeds of Destruction are Sown 
Chapter Three - Nobody Knows What's Going On 
Chapter Four - Gris Still Doesn't Understand 
Chapter Five - A Missed Opportunity, A Long-Forgotten Plot Point, and an Ignored Warning
Chapter Six - Presumably Puerto Rico, But Who Else?
Chapter Seven - Please Don't Make Book On My Behalf  
Chapter Eight - Gris Suddenly, In a Flash, Understands 
Chapter Nine - Countdown to Race Day 

Intermission - A Whole Lot of Nothing

An Alien Affair

I've Got a Bad Feeling About This

Part Twenty-Nine 
Chapter One - Probably Not the Action Scene You Were Expecting 
Chapters Two and Three - Corpse Disposal and Wasted Hamburgers 
Chapter Four - Spiked Electro-Wheels 
Chapters Five and Six - Fancy-Dancy Fire Support 
Chapters Seven and Eight - Hot Wheels 
Chapters Nine and Ten - Shatter-Proof Wrists and Improvised Flamethrowers 

Part Thirty
Chapters One and Two - Armageddon and Other Publicity Stunts 
Chapter Three - Feeding Time at the Zoo 
Chapter Four - Gris' Lost Week 
Chapter Five - Return of the CapsLock Menace 
Chapter Six - The Fight, Flight, or (Bleep) Response 
Chapter Seven - What a Terrible Patronym 
Chapter Eight - Another Speed Bump on Heller's Road to Victory 
Chapter Nine - Fabulous Outfits and Customized Jewelry 

Part Thirty-One
Chapter One - Continuity Errors and More Headlines 
Chapter Two - The Kind of Situation That Never Comes Up in Assassin Training 
Chapter Three - Blame the Cat 
Chapter Four - Luggage Check 
Chapter Five - Heller Keeps Getting Richer 
Chapter Six - Gris Has Another Temper Tantrum 
Chapter Seven - "YIPPEE!" Shouted the Mob Boss 

Part Thirty-Two
Chapter One - Communications Technology of the Year 2000 
Chapter Two - A Look at Soltan Gris' Problem-Solving Process 
Chapters Three and Four - Squirt Guns and More Satire 
Chapter Five - On the Edge of the Abyss 
Chapter Six - This Chapter is Part of the Reason People Try to Ban This Book 
Chapter Seven - This Time with Antique Firearms 

Part Thirty-Three
Chapter One - Mandatory Brainstorming 
Chapter Two - A Funeral He Will Never Forget 
Chapter Three - A Mob Boss Who Thinks "The Most Honest Man of the Year" is a Real Award 
Chapter Four - Spicy Soltan Gris 
Chapter Five - Sick Day 
Chapters Six and Seven - The Nixon Nailer and Other Credible Sources 
Chapter Eight - Book Four and Gris Has Already Won 
Chapter Nine - Escape from New York 

Part Thirty-Four
Chapters One and Two - Gris is Poor, Again 
Chapter Three - "Dinky" is of Course a Medical Term 
Chapters Four and Five - Gris Spends a Week in the Tub 
Chapter Six - Soltan Gris' Marvelous New Penis 
Chapter Seven - Soltan Gris Finds Something in Common with Doctor Prahd 
Chapter Eight - Diabolic Shift 
Chapter Nine - And Now, the Punchline 

Part Thirty-Five
Chapter One - Betting on Freud 
Chapter Two - Killing Time  
Chapter Three - Mission Earth Sordid: Camel Wrecker 
Chapter Four - Genuine Imported Turkish Belly Dancers (No Refunds) 
Chapter Five - Lysistrata Would be Proud 
Chapter Six - Laundry, Errands, and Future Plot Points 
Chapter Seven - Failure Rewarded 
Chapter Eight - A Noticeable Presence 
Chapter Nine - So Why Is Psychology Worse Than a Society With Mind-Control Helmets? 
Chapters Ten and Eleven - Jettero Heller's Girlfriend is Physically Flawless 

Fortune of Fear

Wow, That's a Lot of Gold 

Part Thirty-Six 
Chapter One - The Warehouse of Forgotten Espionage Equipment
Chapter Two - A Critique of Modern Currency 
Chapter Three - Suspicious Displays of Affection 
Chapter Four - Le Look Garbâge 
Chapter Five - Fashion Cubed and Clothes to the Third Power 
Chapter Seven - Gris' Rocket Failure 
Chapter Eight - Reports of Gris' Poverty Were Somewhat Exaggerated 

Part Thirty-Seven
Chapters One and Two - Burdensome Bullion 
Chapters Three and Four - Gris Likes to Whap Little Boys 
Chapters Five and Six - Pirate Taxi Services 
Chapter Seven - Coca-Cola's War on Fictional Swiss Rescue Operations 
Chapters Eight and Nine - The Finances of Soltan Gris 

Part Thirty-Eight
Chapters One and Two - A Whack for the Bank 
Chapter Three - Pirates With No Ranks in the Appraise Skill 
Chapter Four - A Terrible Name for a Rock Band 
Chapter Five - What Kind of Casino Has Security Cameras, Anyway? 
Chapter Six - Outsourcing Your Con 
Chapter Seven - A Hirsute Young Man Who Failed Arithmetic 
Chapter Eight - Something You Should Never Say to a Guy with a Gun 
Chapter Nine - Jettero Heller is Barely Legal 

Part Thirty-Nine
Chapter One - Jettero Heller Has Learned Nothing From Last Chapter 
Chapter Two - And Don't Forget to Compensate for the Coriolis Effect 
Chapter Three - Funny They Never Mentioned That Law Four Books Ago 
Chapter Four - Prep to Launch the Deadly Crobe 
Chapter Five - The Countess Krak Just Isn't Interested In Global Warming 
Chapter Six - Operation Greasy Limo 
Chapter Seven - He Had Nothing to Do With This Chapter, I Assure You
Chapter Eight - Gris Literally (Bleeps) Away His Fortune 

Part Forty
Chapter One - The Earth Devil, For Once 
Chapter Two - Interior Decorating, Psychology Style
Chapter Three - Flight (on an Airplane) of the Deadly Crobe 
Chapter Four - Plight of the Deadly Crobe 
Chapter Five - Flight (in Mortal Terror) of the Deadly Crobe 
Chapter Six - Gris Bites the Bullet 
Chapter Seven - Flight of the Spastic Gris 
Chapter Eight - Farewell to Istanbul

Part Forty-One
Chapter One - Gris is Vomiting Again
Chapter Two - Metaphorical Midnight
Chapter Three - Karma Fleas 
Chapter Four - Karma Fleas at 35,000 Feet 
Chapter Five - Army of Three 
Chapter Six - Shinobi 
Chapter Seven - Sadism 
Chapter Eight - I Hate This Book 
Chapter Nine - The Healing Power of Rape 
Chapter Ten - Like the Last Ten Parts Never Happened 

Part Forty-Two
Chapter One - If This Book is the Answer, I Dread the Question
Chapter Two - Trust
Chapter Three - I'd Wonder About Brain Damage from the Fumes, But Who'd Notice?
Chapter Four - Changing Her Mind 
Chapter Five - It's Not Mind Rape if You Enjoyed It 
Chapter Six - The Magician's Forcer Gesture 
Chapter Seven - Itchy Darts 
Chapter Eight - Gris Threatens to Shoot the Messenger 
Chapter Nine - Simmons' Sunday 
Chapters Ten and Eleven - We Can Only Speculate What the Homework Is 

Intermission - Treasure of Terror

Death Quest

Death Wears Horrible Slacks
Part Forty-Three  
Chapter One - Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane, Now Approved for Home Use  
Chapter Two - It's Not Often You Get Freebies for Paying Overdue Bills
Chapter Three - Some Sort of Castration Ritual 
Chapter Four - Thirty Pages In and I Already Want Out 

Part Forty-Four
Chapter One - Command Isolation Geometry and Short-Range Think  
Chapter Two - Another Reason to Ban This Book 
Chapter Three - Darkest Florida 
Chapter Four - Signs of Life 
Chapter Five - Sweet Sorrow 
Chapter Six - The Heart-Stopping Search for Contact Information 
Chapter Seven - The Thrilling Quest for the Necessary Paperwork 
Chapter Eight - The Unimaginative Sequel to the Previous Adventure 

Part Forty-Five
Chapter One - The Difference Between an Automobile and an Aircraft 
Chapter Two - Those (Bleeping) Nazis Are Behind Everything 
Chapter Three - Miss Agnes' Revenge 
Chapter Four - Communications Technology of the Year 2000, Part Two 
Chapter Five - These People Tell the Most Interesting Stories 
Chapter Six - Orgy of One 
Chapter Seven - Good Triumphs Because Evil Can't Keep It In Its Pants 

Part Forty-Six
Chapter One - Back Where It All Began 
Chapter Two - Pro-Life in a Very Specific Sense 
Chapter Three - Wish Granted 
Chapter Four - Standoffs and Blackmail 
Chapter Five - Pigs as a Standard of Beauty 
Chapter Six - The Unidentical Rockecenter Twins 
Chapter Seven - Torpedo's Wrath 

Part Forty-Seven
Chapter One - After Dozens of Anonymous Partners, Gris Takes an Interest in VD
Chapter Two - Species Confusion 
Chapter Three - That Deadly Weapon, Morality
Chapter Four - Two Dirty Armenians 
Chapter Five - Jettero Heller Has a Sweeter Crib Than You, Always 
Chapter Six - Read All About It? 
Chapter Seven - Spore Rings, Microwaves, and Feline Literacy 
Chapter Eight - Foxy-Eyed Lawyers Doing the Happy Dance 
Chapter Nine - Shabby Lawninja 
Chapter Ten - The Hero is Exiled From Canada 

Part Forty-Eight
Chapter One - Halt 
Chapters Two and Three - Rolling Around on the Ground, In a Tree, While Drowning 
Chapter Four - Weddings Episode 
Chapter Five - The Honeymoons 
Chapter Six - No Hero To His Valet 

Part Forty-Nine
Chapter One - Snakes on a Brain 
Chapter Two - Beauty is Aryan 
Chapter Three - I Hope Nobody Paid for this Product Placement 
Chapter Four - I've Lost Track of How Many Vehicles Heller Owns Now 
Chapter Five - Boat Enthusiasts 
Chapter Six - Outwitting Your Foe by Shouting "Look Behind You!" 
Chapter Seven - A Sea Serpent That Spoke with All the Tongues of the Northmen 

Part Fifty
Chapter One - This Stupid Thing is Fifty Parts Long and We're Not on Book Seven Yet 
Chapter Two - It Didn't Even Last Six Chapters 
Chapter Three - Hope Nobody Was Taking a Nighttime Walk at the Marina 
Chapter Four - The Countess Krak's Floating Palace 
Chapter Five - Krak and Heller Get Physical 
Chapter Six - Krak Learns Nothing 

Part Fifty-One
Chapter One - Because Drugging and Holding Your Beau Prisoner is Romantic, Right? 
Chapter Two - Teenie's Story 
Chapter Three - Ancient Chinese Secret 
Chapter Four - Missed Opportunities 
Chapter Five - Getting the Picture 
Chapter Six - Flower Girl 

Voyage of Vengeance

Space Monsters Enforcing Traditional Gender Roles 

Part Fifty-Two
Chapter One - This Does Not Bode Well for the Rest of the Book 
Chapter Two - Learn a New Word for Loincloth 
Chapter Three - A Perfectly Good Rape Opportunity, Wasted 
Chapter Four - If Only Cell Phones Existed 
Chapter Five - Gris Freaks, Krak is Disgusted, Bang-Bang Gets Lucky 
Chapter Six - Learn a Verb from Billiards 
Chapter Seven - A Gay Old Time for Gris 

Part Fifty-Three
Chapter One - Learn About Nerves (and an Important Vein) 
Chapter Two - The (Possibly) True Origin of Teenie Whopper
Chapter Three - The State Department Is Out To Get Us 
Chapter Four - A Truth Worth Killing For 
Chapter Five - The Prat Falls 
Chapter Six - The Cat Came Back 

Part Fifty-Four
Chapter One - The Tale of Gerry Wister 
Chapter Two - Gris Gives Madison Something to Worry About 
Chapter Three - Heller Impoverishes the Crew of His Girlfriend's Yacht
Chapter Four - He Would've Enacted His Evil Plan, But He Got High 
Chapter Five - Learn a Synonym for "Lucrative" 
Chapter Six - Is It Still a Rescue When You Sent Them Into Danger in the First Place? 
Chapter Seven - Feel the Raw Terror as the Main Characters Have Breakfast 

Part Fifty-Five
Chapter One - Hott Dogg 
Chapter Two - Garbage Day 
Chapter Three - The Fifty-Thousand Dollar Question 
Chapter Four - Adventures in Packing 
Chapter Five - The Flight of J. Warbler Madman 
Chapter Six - Escape from New York, Again 

Part Fifty-Six
Chapter One - The Voyage Begins 
Chapter Two - Shipper on Deck 
Chapter Three - Mission Bermuda 
Chapter Four - Meanwhile, Back at the Plot 
Chapter Five - Whale Wangs 
Chapter Six - Mission Morocco 
Chapter Seven - Fate Wears Jogging Shorts 

Part Fifty-Seven
Chapter One - Mission Spain 
Chapter Two - The Good Guys Pump Ravenous Bacteria Into the Atmosphere 
Chapter Three - Mission France 
Chapter Four - When an Unstoppable Force Meets a Movable Object 
Chapter Five - Stupid American Tourists 
Chapter Six - Change of Plans 
Chapter Seven - Mission Italy 
Chapter Eight - Leave it to Hubbard to Make Italy Boring 

Part Fifty-Eight
Chapter One - Mission Greece 
Chapter Two - Madison Tries to Destroy the World, Again 
Chapter Three - Gris Solves the Mystery 
Chapters Four and Five - Learn a Neat Synonym for "Treachery" 
Chapter Six - Abandon Ship 
Chapter Seven - The Sea Tries to Kidnap and Cook Gris 

Part Fifty-Nine
Chapter One - Secrets of the Goat Cave 
Chapters Two and Three - The Island Sojourn Ends 
Chapters Four and Five - My Big Dumb Turkish Shotgun Wedding 
Chapter Six - The Mystery of Black-Jowls, Revealed! 
Chapter Seven - Child Abuse and Further Revelations 

Part Sixty
Chapters One and Two - Gris Slips a Mickey and Heller Solves a Solved Mystery 
Chapter Three - Why Earth Sucks and Toasted Marshmallows 
Chapters Four and Five - Mailbag 
Chapters Six, Seven and Eight - The Easiest Way to Get a Hostage 
Chapter Nine - Piracy at Fifty Thousand Feet 

Part Sixty-One
Chapter One - The Danger of Windows 
Chapter Two - I Think Hubbard Misses Scotland 
Chapter Three - Krak Does Some Light Reading 
Chapters Four and Five - Pointless Piracy 
Chapters Six and Seven - Anticlimax 
Chapter Eight - Don't Stop Believing 

Intermission - The Search for Plot


As One-Word Summations of the Series Go, Not Too Shabby

Part Sixty-Two
Chapters One, Two and Three - And This Wasn't in Book Seven Because...?
Chapter Four - The View from the Cockpit 
Chapter Five - Podiatry at 1,584,000 Feet 
Chapter Six - Stock Options at 1,584,000 Feet 
Chapter Seven - Black Holes are Basically Magnets, Right? 

Part Sixty-Three
Chapter One - Ship With No Gun Vs. Ship That Is Gun 
Chapter Two - Just a Scratch 
Chapter Three - The Nature of Hate 
Chapter Four - The Care and Keeping of Black Holes 
Chapter Five - Unlimited Power 
Chapter Six - Orbital Bombardment 
Chapter Seven - (Bleeping) Magnets, How Do They Work? 
Chapters Eight and Nine - Jettero Heller Saves the World 

Part Sixty-Four
Chapters One and Two - Either Remorse or Giddy Anticipation 
Chapters Three and Four - This Book Came Out Five Years Before The Crying Game 
Chapter Five - The Hologram Doesn't Have an Off Switch, Either
Chapter Six - Maybe Gris Saw the Twist Coming, Too 
Chapter Seven - The Trial of Soltan Gris (Will Be Held Later) 
Chapter Eight - Prahd Gets His Own Back 
Chapter Nine - My Little Aliens: Friendship is Blackmail 

Part Sixty-Five
Chapter One - Could This Be the Last Time We Go to the Bank? 
Chapter Two - Space Aliens Who Never Heard of a Digital Office 
Chapter Three - Point at Gris and Laugh 
Chapter Four - The Voyage Home 
Chapter Five - Back Where It All Began 

Part Sixty-Six
Chapter One - Like a Storm Raging Inside 
Chapters Two and Three - Soltan Gris Phones Home 
Chapter Four - Right Round Baby Right Round 
Chapters Five and Six - You Can't Kill Me, I Quit 
Chapter Seven - Back to Part One, Chapter One 

Part Sixty-Seven
Chapters One and Two - The Fool Monte 
Chapters Three and Four - Investigative Journalism, Voltar Style 
Chapter Five - The Report of Craftleader Soams 
Chapters Six and Seven - Scruffy-Looking Grazing Animal Herder 
Chapters Eight and Nine - Now We Can Finally Pick Up Where We Stopped Nine Chapters Ago 

Part Sixty-Eight
Chapter One - Jet for the Heller of It 
Chapter Two - Part Sixty-Six, Chapter Four, Redux 
Chapters Three and Four - Ostentation Worth Dying For 
Chapter Five - I'm Picturing a Plate of Onion Rings 
Chapters Six and Seven - Grand Theft Royale 

Part Sixty-Nine
Chapter One - Ancient Plot Points 
Chapters Two and Three - It's Not Called "Mission Voltar," After All 
Chapter Four - Military Law is Hard 
Chapter Five - In the Army Now 
Chapters Six and Seven - It's Not the Cover Art Yet, His Outfit's Wrong and Nothing's Exploding 

Part Seventy
Chapter One - Hubbard Always Calls It a Satchel, Never a Bag 
Chapters Two and Three - The Tuxedo on the Cover is the Wrong Color 
Chapter Four - That Damn Cat 
Chapter Five - In Which the Author Flunks 1st Grade Science 
Chapters Six and Seven - First Annual Rockecenter Family Reunion

Intermission - So Which Disaster Was the One in the Title? 

Villainy Victorious

He DOES Exist! 

Part Seventy-One
Chapter One - Heller Calls a Friend 
Chapters Two and Three - You Will Believe a Tank Can Fly
Chapter Four - Shall Not Be Mourned 
Chapter Five - Lombar Needs to Get His Hands on the Royal Family Jewels
Chapter Six - How Madison Spent His Alien Abduction 

Part Seventy-Two
Chapter One - Like Gas, But In Space!
Chapter Two - Meet the New Boss... 
Chapter Three - Madison Eventually Remembers His Promise
Chapter Four - Teenie Gone Wild
Chapter Five - Teenie Gone Wilder 
Chapter Six - Teenie Ascends the Throne
Chapter Seven - Teenie Pushes a Guy's Buttons
Chapter Eight - Teenie Flexes Her Muscles 
Chapter Nine - Teenie Reminds Her Audience That They Are Not Dead
Chapter Ten - Teenie's Ultimatum
Chapter Eleven - Two Hours of Madison Sitting in a Chair 

Part Seventy-Three
Chapter One - Alien Mating Rituals 
Chapter Two - In the Boudoir of Queen Hora 
Chapter Three - What, Me Worry?
Chapter Four - Two Alien Infiltrators Keep a Low Profile 
Chapter Five - It's Not Real Until You See It on Homeview

Part Seventy-Four
Chapter One - Don't Spend It All At Once  
Chapter Two - Four Hundred Billion Cups of Coffee 
Chapter Three - Wish Fulfillment
Chapter Four - Why Spend Billions When He Could Steal Thousands?
Chapters Five and Six - The Ideal Gang and a PR Crew 
Chapter Seven - The Confederacy's Worst Criminals Frolic and Have a Sing-Song 
Chapter Eight - Madison Follows His Nose 

Part Seventy-Five
Chapter One - Smells 
Chapter Two - Docking Dangers 
Chapter Three - The Haunting of Floor Seventy-Seven
Chapter Four - The Death of a Dream
Chapter Five - Smells Like Eventual Victory
Chapter Six - Diamond Eyelashes
Chapter Seven - Gilded Fingernails 

Part Seventy-Six
Chapter One - Mission Earth the Musical 
Chapter Two - The Outlaw Jettero Heller 
Chapter Three - Government Has Nothing to Do With Royalty
Chapter Four - The Perfect Public Storm 
Chapter Five - The Hostage Queen of Flisten 
Chapter Six - Queen Teenie's Army

Part Seventy-Seven
Chapters One and Two - The Greatest PR Since Caesar!
Chapter Three - Alien News is Hella Boring
Chapters Four and Five - Neglect is the Best Therapy
Chapters Six and Seven - The Return of the Crobe 
Chapter Eight - The Latest Secret History of PR and Psychology 

Part Seventy-Eight
Chapter One - Heller Still Isn't Worried 
Chapter Two - Old News
Chapter Three - Consulting the Big Book of Backstory
Chapter Four - (Bleep) France 
Chapter Five - Sand Bombs
Chapter Six - The Delay and Self-Interest of Bolz

Part Seventy-Nine
Chapter One - Madison the Voyeur 
Chapter Two - Death by Magic Mail 
Chapter Three - What May or May Not Be Invasion Plans 
Chapter Four - More Minor Characters, Back From the Dead 
Chapter Five - Shout a Monster 
Chapter Six - License to Chill 
Chapter Seven - A New Era 

Part Eighty
Chapter One - Smack Smack 
Chapters Two and Three - The Return of Soltan Gris 
Chapter Four - Red Honeymoon
Chapter Five - Quad Damage
Chapter Six - The Man Who Would Be King 
Chapter Seven - Hope You Weren't Hoping to See More of Calabar
Chapter Eight - Insincere Greetings and Salutations from Jettero Heller

Part Eighty-One
Chapter One - The Trial of Soltan Gris, as Promised in Part Sixty-Four 
Chapter Two - The Trial of Soltan Gris, Abridged 
Chapter Three - Opening Night 
Chapter Four - How Many Death Battalion Troopers Does It Take to Arrest One Actress?
Chapter Five - That Was Fast
Chapter Six - Pour Encourager Les Autres 

The Doomed Planet

Not So Much a Throne Room as a Throne Porch 

Part Eighty-Two
Chapter One - The Army Has a Fleet, the Fleet Has Spies, and the Spies Have an Army 
Chapter Two - When Capital Punishment Isn't Enough 
Chapter Three - The Trial of Soltan Gris, Concluded? 
Chapter Four - The Trial of Soltan Gris, And Everybody Else 
Chapter Five - The Verdict of the Trial of Soltan Gris
Chapter Six - The True Meaning of PR

Part Eighty-Three
Chapters One and Two - Opportunity Knocks 
Chapters Three and Four - Lombar Gives His All for the Confederacy 
Chapter Five - Royal Marriages Are Different 
Chapters Six and Seven - Time-Traveling Radio Waves 

Part Eighty-Four
Chapter One - Whip and Snelz and Lepertige Tails 
Chapter Two - The Shellacking of Camp Kill 
Chapter Three - Invasion Tactics and Tractor Beam Physics 
Chapters Four and Five - My Tank is Flight 
Chapter Six - Reap the Whirlwind 

Part Eighty-Five
Chapter One - Landscaping 
Chapters Two and Three - Rocky Mountain High
Chapters Four and Five - The Pantsing of Palace City
Chapter Six - Jettero Heller vs. Lombar Hisst, Round Two 

Part Eighty-Six
Chapters One and Two - The "Nerve-Shattering Climax" 
Chapters Three, Four and Five - Afterglow?
Chapters Six and Seven - The Root of All Evil (Involves Clowns, of Course)
Chapter Eight - Sex, Drugs, and That's About It 

Part Eighty-Seven
Chapter One - The Invasion of Earth  
Chapter Two - It Sorta Rhymes with "Genius"
Chapters Three and Four - The Trial of Soltan Gris 2: The Page-and-a-Half Version
Chapter Five - Going Out and Eat Worms
Chapter Six - In Which We Deal With Most of the Antagonists 

Part Eighty-Eight
Chapter One - Dramatic Revelations of Royal Proclamations 
Chapters Two and Three - First Degree Dress Code Violations
Chapters Four and Five - Jettero Heller Doesn't Help His Case
Chapters Six and Seven - Heller Fixes Prison Overcrowding and the Problem of Censorship

Part Eighty-Nine
Chapters One and Two - Our Hero Brainstorms How to Blow Up Our Planet
Chapter Three - The Destruction of Earth 
Chapters Four and Five - The End

Part Ninety
Envoi I-i - The Beginning of the Stuff After the End 
Envoi I-ii and I-iii - Earth Update 
Envoi I-iv - Interview with a Twerp 
Envoi I-v-vii - The Search for Relaxation 

Part Ninety-One
Envoi II-viii-xi - Madison's True Genius
Envoi II-xii-xiv - The Secret of Minx Estates 
Envoi II-xv - The Internment Camp of Mental Health 

Part Ninety-Two
Envoi III-xvi-xvii - One Last Session With Dr. Crobe
Envoi III-xviii-xix - The Ascension of Lombar Hisst 
Envoi III-xx-xxi - The Monstrous, Final Cover-Up 
Envoi III-xxii - Monte's Ode to Earth 
Envoi III-xxii (concluded) - The True and Final End (to Sanity)
One Mission Ends, Another Continues 

The Wrap-Up Essays
Who Is Jettero Heller?
Éminence Gris
Hubbard the Feminist
Hubbard the Sexual Creature
Hubbard the Scientist
Hubbard the Satirist
Hubbard the Reformer
Salvaging Mission Earth
The Value of Mission Earth

Book-by-Book Breakdown