What Have I Gotten Myself Into?
The Invaders Plan
The Cover
Between the Cover and Chapter One
Part One
Chapter One - The Confession of Soltan Gris
Chapter Two - Gris and Hisst
Chapter Three - Eye of the Lepertige
Chapter Four - Space Dodgeball
Chapter Five - The Abduction of Jettero Heller
Chapter Six - Black Holes Do Not Work That Way
Chapter Seven - Imperialist Alien Environmentalists
Chapter Eight - Eco-Friendly Espionage
Part Two
Chapter One - (Series) Title Drop
Chapter Two - This is Only a Test
Chapter Three - In Which a Watch is an Excuse for a Slightly-Exciting Action Scene
Chapter Four - Jettero Heller is Better Than You
Chapter Five - A Fleet of Office Buildings
Chapter Six - Insert Admiral Ackbar Joke Here
Chapter Seven - Jettero Heller Has a Sweeter Crib Than You
Chapter Eight - Real Horrorshow, Hubbard
Part Three
Chapter One - Fraternizing With The Enemy
Chapter Two - Let's Go For A Walk
Chapter Three - The Countess Krak Whips It Good
Chapter Four - The Countess Krak is Ruined Forever
Chapter Five - The Murders of the Countess Krak
Chapter Six - Disciplinary Action
Chapter Seven - Friend Computer
Chapter Eight - Multitasking
Part Four
Chapter One - Love (and Industrial Cleaning Agents) is in the Air
Chapter Two - Bloody Tears and Other Romance
Chapter Three - I Rage, Darwin Cries, Gris Pukes
Chapter Four - Gris Keeps Barfing
Chapter Five - Bow Chicka Bow Wow
Chapter Six - The Computer Saves Another Chapter
Chapter Seven - Chance Polyhedrals
Chapter Eight - This Is Why You Don't Let Others Gamble With Your Money
Chapter Nine - Die Dice Die
Part Five
Chapter One - Stop, in the Name of Love (Before I Break Your Skull)
Chapter Two - We Finally Leave Spiteos
Chapter Three - What a Piece of Junk
Chapter Four - Threats and Loopholes
Chapter Five - A Spaceship Changes Location
Chapter Six - More Spaceship Maintenance
Chapter Seven - And Now We Make Party
Chapter Eight - Gaze in Awe Upon Jettero Heller's Wonderful Spaceship
Part Six
Chapter One - Sweet Transvestite
Chapter Two - Plight of the Homeless
Chapter Three - Unused Allocation C231
Chapter Four - Bugs Bunny and Sigmund Freud
Chapter Five - Not to be Confused with the Blues Devil
Chapter Six - Demonic Dinosaurs
Chapter Seven - Learning What You Already Know
Part Seven
Chapter One - But is it Quilted for Softness?
Chapter Two - The Tragedy of Human Trafficking
Chapter Three - Very Dangerous Walls
Chapter Four - Screw This, I'm Outta Here
Chapter Five - Vacation's Over, Get Back to Work
Chapter Six - Pimpmobile
Chapter Seven - A New Rebeginning
Chapter Eight - Grease is the Word
Part Eight
Chapter One - It's a Date!
Chapter Two - Can You Feel the Tension Building?
Chapter Three - Alien Parking Practices
Chapter Four - A Short-Lived Meme, Born on Stage Right Before Your Eyes
Chapter Five - There Once Was a Woman from Manco
Chapter Six - Generic Not-Spies Co.
Chapter Seven - Fleet Admirals Parachute to Work, Of Course
Part Nine
Chapter One - Hopefully We're Done With The Countess Krak's Backstory Now
Chapter Two - The Mystery of Gris' Malfunctioning Appendage
Chapter Three - One Man's Torture is a Voltarian's Kink, Apparently
Chapter Four - Revelation and a Vow of Retribution
Chapter Five - Trick Disemboweling
Chapter Six - Row Row, Fight the Power!
Chapter Seven - Imperial Necromancy
Chapter Eight - Bittlestiffender, a Name You Can Trust
Chapter Nine - Gris Gets Some
Chapter Ten - $5,000 Sweetbuns
Part Ten
Chapter One - Gold, Again
Chapter Two - Nor Swedish, Farsi, Japanese, Sumerian, Latin...
Chapter Three - Because Nothing Says "Satire" Like Implied Bestiality
Chapter Four - Stinkens and Snahp
Chapter Five - "Stiffen" Isn't a Command I Could Shout With a Straight Face
Chapter Six - How Not To Blackmail Someone
Chapter Seven - Everything Is Coming Up Gris
Chapter Eight - Oh God, Foreshadowing
Chapter Nine - Gris Throws a Temper Tantrum
Part Eleven
Chapter One - Gris Triumphant
Chapter Two - What
Chapter Three - There's Some Hope for the Boy After All
Chapter Four - This is a Test of the Heller Monitoring System
Chapter Five - The Master Plan Revealed
Chapter Six - "You'll Get What's Coming to You"
Chapter Seven - Blood and Guts in the Coat Closet
Chapter Eight - In Which Drugs are the Answer
Chapter Nine - In Took 615 Pages, But They Finally Launched That Stupid Spaceship
Intermission - The Story Thus Far And Why It Doesn't Make Me Want To Read Any Further
Black Genesis
The Stuff Before Chapter One
Part Twelve
Chapter One - Presumably We're in Space Now
Chapter Two - Hyperspace is Boring
Chapter Three - Gris Has a Fever, and the Only Cure is Paperwork
Chapter Four - In Which Time and Space are Twisted Beyond Comprehension
Chapter Five - Dropped Subtitle Drop
Chapter Six - Hitting the Ground Running
Chapter Seven - (Muddled) History
Chapters Eight and Nine - Homecoming
Chapter Ten - Through Heller's Eyes
Part Thirteen
Chapter One - The Mystery of the Turkish Camel
Chapter Two - The Latest in Chicago Fashion
Chapter Three - Inconsistently Hard Light
Chapter Four - Hands of Red, Ow My Head
Chapter Five - Genuine Imported Turkish Belly Dancers, Only $5,000 + S&H
Chapter Six - So Long, Turkey
Part Fourteen
Chapter One - A White-Man Thing
Chapter Two - The Healing Power of Song
Chapter Three - Heller Buys a Car
Chapter Four - In Which the Author Abandons any Semblance of Subtlety
Chapter Five - I Don't Think "Ka-Ka" Means What Hubbard Thinks It Does
Chapter Six - Outsmarted by a Man Who Thinks There's Horses in His Car
Chapter Seven - Heller Goes Shopping, We Get to Watch
Part Fifteen
Chapter One - On the Road Again
Chapter Two - Off the Road Already
Chapter Three - The Plot Thickens, or Possibly Curdles
Chapter Four - Death, Drugs, and Target Practice
Chapter Five - High-Tech One-Way Radios
Chapter Six - To Understand Something, You Must Set It On Fire
Chapter Seven - Breakfast, More Driving, and an Obituary
Chapter Eight - Waiting Impatiently on That Hitman
Chapter Nine - In Which an Attempt to End This Series Early Tragically Fails
Intermission - I Am So Lost
Part Sixteen
Chapter One - The Search for Housing
Chapter Two - Whore Economics
Chapter Three - Collars and Cabbies
Chapter Four - Crazy Taxi
Chapter Five - Vehicular Homicide Is Fine, Littering Is Not
Chapter Six - Kittens Don't Really Have Fingers, Hubbard
Chapter Seven - Improbable Weapon User
Chapter Eight - A Villain is Introduced and Killed in the Same Chapter
Part Seventeen
Chapter One - Pimpmobile II - This Time It Gets Worse Mileage
Chapter Two - Jettero Heller Has a Sweeter Crib Than You, Again
Chapter Three - Voyeurism
Chapter Four - Heller Reads Magazines and Threatens to Murder Someone
Chapter Five - Heller Fixes a TV, Showers, and is Fitted for Clothing
Chapter Six - Heller Procrastinates and Considers Buying Stocks
Chapter Seven - Heller Experiences Some Actual Setbacks
Part Eighteen
Chapter One - Unfashionable Nonconformity
Chapter Two - Valentine's Day Massacre
Chapter Three - Nerds to Rescue, Obstacles to Negotiate
Chapter Four - Remorse But Not Responsibility
Chapter Five - The Apparatus Computer Has New Competition
Chapter Six - The Exciting World of Economics
Chapter Seven - Books With Excruciatingly Long Titles
Chapter Eight - I'm So Tired of This Book I Could Burp
Part Nineteen
Chapter One - College, Abridged
Chapter Two - Officer Material
Chapter Three - She May Not Look Like Much, But She's Got It Where It Counts
Chapter Four - The Man with the Golden Llama
Chapter Five - A Group of Class Gathering in a Park
Chapter Six - Ending the Book with a Bang
The Enemy Within
The Wheel of Madness Turns Once More
Part Twenty
Chapter One - Déjà Vu
Chapter Two - An Alien Touring Offices Counts as Sci-Fi, Right?
Chapter Three - Dressing Down While Undressed
Chapter Four - Utanc Arrives, Not Appears
Chapter Five - Congestion
Chapter Six - Goldilocks and the Three Commissars
Chapter Seven - A High-Upkeep Slave
Chapter Eight - Desert Nomads Know a Thing or Two About Sound Quality
Chapter Nine - Broken Hearts and Shattered Faces
Part Twenty-One
Chapter One - A Refreshing Return to Anti-Psychologist Tracts
Chapter Two - Marketing and Modern Art
Chapter Three - How Many Double Entendres Can Hubbard Pack Into One Chapter
Chapter Four - Space Age Blackface Technology
Chapter Five - The Mystery of Goldmine Creek
Chapter Six - It's Not Illegal If A Consul Does It
Part Twenty-Two
Chapter One - The Battle-Whores of the Gracious Palms
Chapter Two - Telecommunications Anxiety
Chapter Three - Mystery Solved, Back to Work
Chapter Four - Mission-Critical Crockery
Chapter Five - Please Help Me Kill Lots of People, Amen
Chapter Six - The Silent Treatment
Chapter Seven - Read About a Guy Reading a Letter
Chapter Eight - Suspicion, Lobsters, and Cobweb Machines
Part Twenty-Three
Chapter One - Thinking Hurts
Chapter Two - The Groundbreaking Chapter the Oil Companies Don't Want You to Read!
Chapter Three - A One-Chapter Quest for Scotch
Chapter Four - As Opposed to a Malevolent Hospital
Chapter Five - So Much For Medical Confidentiality
Chapter Six - Mandatory Nicknaming
Chapter Seven - Has Soltan Gris Mentioned He's Heterosexual Today?
Chapter Eight - Hat > Nuke
Chapter Eight - Has Soltan Gris Mentioned He's a Psychologist Today?
Part Twenty-Four
Chapter One - Gris' Brain Goes Topsy-Turvy
Chapter Two - Flip the Wiggo
Chapter Three - Surgery and Statutory Rape
Chapter Four - A Fear So Great It Can Only Be Expressed In All-Caps
Chapter Five - Even the Technician Forgot to RTFM
Part Twenty-Five
Chapter One - Women Like Being Dirty and Cooking Things, Right?
Chapter Two - Putting the "Satire" in Funeral
Chapter Three - Heller Explains It All, Gris Finally Gets a Clue
Chapter Four - Panic Mode
Chapter Five - Death Threats and Child Abduction
Chapter Six - A Brilliant Doctor, Just Don't Ask About His Girlfriend
Chapter Seven - A Magical Telescope, Gold Lust, and a Lebanese
Chapter Eight - Another Sexual Deviant Joins the Cast Herd
Part Twenty-Six
Chapter One - Gris Leaves His Brain in Turkey
Chapter Two - The Rockecenter Story
Chapter Three - Skyscraper Trumps Obelisk
Chapter Four - More Voyeurism
Chapter Five - An Action Sequence Involving a Child's Toy
Chapter Six - Gris Makes Some Phone Calls and Goes to a Meeting
Chapter Seven - Delbert John Rockecenter
Part Twenty-Seven
Chapters One and Two - Invisible Stamps and Scheduling Mishaps
Chapter Three - In the Offices of Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze
Chapter Four - Mr. Bury on the Phone
Chapter Five - Kosher Hot Dogs and a To-Do List
Chapter Six - A Colossal Waste of Manpower and Taxpayer Money
Chapter Seven - Gris Makes a Withdrawal and Has a Gun
Chapter Eight - The Console Organ of Bad News
Part Twenty-Eight
Chapter One - The Three C's and Mr. Mmmmmfffff
Chapter Two - The Seeds of Destruction are Sown
Chapter Three - Nobody Knows What's Going On
Chapter Four - Gris Still Doesn't Understand
Chapter Five - A Missed Opportunity, A Long-Forgotten Plot Point, and an Ignored Warning
Chapter Six - Presumably Puerto Rico, But Who Else?
Chapter Seven - Please Don't Make Book On My Behalf
Chapter Eight - Gris Suddenly, In a Flash, Understands
Chapter Nine - Countdown to Race Day
Intermission - A Whole Lot of Nothing
An Alien Affair
I've Got a Bad Feeling About This
Part Twenty-Nine
Chapter One - Probably Not the Action Scene You Were Expecting
Chapters Two and Three - Corpse Disposal and Wasted Hamburgers
Chapter Four - Spiked Electro-Wheels
Chapters Five and Six - Fancy-Dancy Fire Support
Chapters Seven and Eight - Hot Wheels
Chapters Nine and Ten - Shatter-Proof Wrists and Improvised Flamethrowers
Part Thirty
Chapters One and Two - Armageddon and Other Publicity Stunts
Chapter Three - Feeding Time at the Zoo
Chapter Four - Gris' Lost Week
Chapter Five - Return of the CapsLock Menace
Chapter Six - The Fight, Flight, or (Bleep) Response
Chapter Seven - What a Terrible Patronym
Chapter Eight - Another Speed Bump on Heller's Road to Victory
Chapter Nine - Fabulous Outfits and Customized Jewelry
Part Thirty-One
Chapter One - Continuity Errors and More Headlines
Chapter Two - The Kind of Situation That Never Comes Up in Assassin Training
Chapter Three - Blame the Cat
Chapter Four - Luggage Check
Chapter Five - Heller Keeps Getting Richer
Chapter Six - Gris Has Another Temper Tantrum
Chapter Seven - "YIPPEE!" Shouted the Mob Boss
Part Thirty-Two
Chapter One - Communications Technology of the Year 2000
Chapter Two - A Look at Soltan Gris' Problem-Solving Process
Chapters Three and Four - Squirt Guns and More Satire
Chapter Five - On the Edge of the Abyss
Chapter Six - This Chapter is Part of the Reason People Try to Ban This Book
Chapter Seven - This Time with Antique Firearms
Part Thirty-Three
Chapter One - Mandatory Brainstorming
Chapter Two - A Funeral He Will Never Forget
Chapter Three - A Mob Boss Who Thinks "The Most Honest Man of the Year" is a Real Award
Chapter Four - Spicy Soltan Gris
Chapter Five - Sick Day
Chapters Six and Seven - The Nixon Nailer and Other Credible Sources
Chapter Eight - Book Four and Gris Has Already Won
Chapter Nine - Escape from New York
Part Thirty-Four
Chapters One and Two - Gris is Poor, Again
Chapter Three - "Dinky" is of Course a Medical Term
Chapters Four and Five - Gris Spends a Week in the Tub
Chapter Six - Soltan Gris' Marvelous New Penis
Chapter Seven - Soltan Gris Finds Something in Common with Doctor Prahd
Chapter Eight - Diabolic Shift
Chapter Nine - And Now, the Punchline
Part Thirty-Five
Chapter One - Betting on Freud
Chapter Two - Killing Time
Chapter Three - Mission Earth Sordid: Camel Wrecker
Chapter Four - Genuine Imported Turkish Belly Dancers (No Refunds)
Chapter Five - Lysistrata Would be Proud
Chapter Six - Laundry, Errands, and Future Plot Points
Chapter Seven - Failure Rewarded
Chapter Eight - A Noticeable Presence
Chapter Nine - So Why Is Psychology Worse Than a Society With Mind-Control Helmets?
Chapters Ten and Eleven - Jettero Heller's Girlfriend is Physically Flawless
Fortune of Fear
Wow, That's a Lot of Gold
Part Thirty-Six
Chapter One - The Warehouse of Forgotten Espionage Equipment
Chapter Two - A Critique of Modern Currency
Chapter Three - Suspicious Displays of Affection
Chapter Four - Le Look Garbâge
Chapter Five - Fashion Cubed and Clothes to the Third Power
Chapter Six - The New CCCSBTRCCPSRLWITBGRCAS Card
Chapter Seven - Gris' Rocket Failure
Chapter Eight - Reports of Gris' Poverty Were Somewhat Exaggerated
Part Thirty-Seven
Chapters One and Two - Burdensome Bullion
Chapters Three and Four - Gris Likes to Whap Little Boys
Chapters Five and Six - Pirate Taxi Services
Chapter Seven - Coca-Cola's War on Fictional Swiss Rescue Operations
Chapters Eight and Nine - The Finances of Soltan Gris
Part Thirty-Eight
Chapters One and Two - A Whack for the Bank
Chapter Three - Pirates With No Ranks in the Appraise Skill
Chapter Four - A Terrible Name for a Rock Band
Chapter Five - What Kind of Casino Has Security Cameras, Anyway?
Chapter Six - Outsourcing Your Con
Chapter Seven - A Hirsute Young Man Who Failed Arithmetic
Chapter Eight - Something You Should Never Say to a Guy with a Gun
Chapter Nine - Jettero Heller is Barely Legal
Part Thirty-Nine
Chapter One - Jettero Heller Has Learned Nothing From Last Chapter
Chapter Two - And Don't Forget to Compensate for the Coriolis Effect
Chapter Three - Funny They Never Mentioned That Law Four Books Ago
Chapter Four - Prep to Launch the Deadly Crobe
Chapter Five - The Countess Krak Just Isn't Interested In Global Warming
Chapter Six - Operation Greasy Limo
Chapter Seven - He Had Nothing to Do With This Chapter, I Assure You
Chapter Eight - Gris Literally (Bleeps) Away His Fortune
Part Forty
Chapter One - The Earth Devil, For Once
Chapter Two - Interior Decorating, Psychology Style
Chapter Three - Flight (on an Airplane) of the Deadly Crobe
Chapter Four - Plight of the Deadly Crobe
Chapter Five - Flight (in Mortal Terror) of the Deadly Crobe
Chapter Six - Gris Bites the Bullet
Chapter Seven - Flight of the Spastic Gris
Chapter Eight - Farewell to Istanbul
Part Forty-One
Chapter One - Gris is Vomiting Again
Chapter Two - Metaphorical Midnight
Chapter Three - Karma Fleas
Chapter Four - Karma Fleas at 35,000 Feet
Chapter Five - Army of Three
Chapter Six - Shinobi
Chapter Seven - Sadism
Chapter Eight - I Hate This Book
Chapter Nine - The Healing Power of Rape
Chapter Ten - Like the Last Ten Parts Never Happened
Part Forty-Two
Chapter One - If This Book is the Answer, I Dread the Question
Chapter Two - Trust
Chapter Three - I'd Wonder About Brain Damage from the Fumes, But Who'd Notice?
Chapter Four - Changing Her Mind
Chapter Five - It's Not Mind Rape if You Enjoyed It
Chapter Six - The Magician's Forcer Gesture
Chapter Seven - Itchy Darts
Chapter Eight - Gris Threatens to Shoot the Messenger
Chapter Nine - Simmons' Sunday
Chapters Ten and Eleven - We Can Only Speculate What the Homework Is
Intermission - Treasure of Terror
Death Quest
Death Wears Horrible Slacks
Part Forty-Three
Chapter One - Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane, Now Approved for Home Use
Chapter Two - It's Not Often You Get Freebies for Paying Overdue Bills
Chapter Three - Some Sort of Castration Ritual
Chapter Four - Thirty Pages In and I Already Want Out
Part Forty-Four
Chapter One - Command Isolation Geometry and Short-Range Think
Chapter Two - Another Reason to Ban This Book
Chapter Three - Darkest Florida
Chapter Four - Signs of Life
Chapter Five - Sweet Sorrow
Chapter Six - The Heart-Stopping Search for Contact Information
Chapter Seven - The Thrilling Quest for the Necessary Paperwork
Chapter Eight - The Unimaginative Sequel to the Previous Adventure
Part Forty-Five
Chapter One - The Difference Between an Automobile and an Aircraft
Chapter Two - Those (Bleeping) Nazis Are Behind Everything
Chapter Three - Miss Agnes' Revenge
Chapter Four - Communications Technology of the Year 2000, Part Two
Chapter Five - These People Tell the Most Interesting Stories
Chapter Six - Orgy of One
Chapter Seven - Good Triumphs Because Evil Can't Keep It In Its Pants
Part Forty-Six
Chapter One - Back Where It All Began
Chapter Two - Pro-Life in a Very Specific Sense
Chapter Three - Wish Granted
Chapter Four - Standoffs and Blackmail
Chapter Five - Pigs as a Standard of Beauty
Chapter Six - The Unidentical Rockecenter Twins
Chapter Seven - Torpedo's Wrath
Part Forty-Seven
Chapter One - After Dozens of Anonymous Partners, Gris Takes an Interest in VD
Chapter Two - Species Confusion
Chapter Three - That Deadly Weapon, Morality
Chapter Four - Two Dirty Armenians
Chapter Five - Jettero Heller Has a Sweeter Crib Than You, Always
Chapter Six - Read All About It?
Chapter Seven - Spore Rings, Microwaves, and Feline Literacy
Chapter Eight - Foxy-Eyed Lawyers Doing the Happy Dance
Chapter Nine - Shabby Lawninja
Chapter Ten - The Hero is Exiled From Canada
Part Forty-Eight
Chapter One - Halt
Chapters Two and Three - Rolling Around on the Ground, In a Tree, While Drowning
Chapter Four - Weddings Episode
Chapter Five - The Honeymoons
Chapter Six - No Hero To His Valet
Part Forty-Nine
Chapter One - Snakes on a Brain
Chapter Two - Beauty is Aryan
Chapter Three - I Hope Nobody Paid for this Product Placement
Chapter Four - I've Lost Track of How Many Vehicles Heller Owns Now
Chapter Five - Boat Enthusiasts
Chapter Six - Outwitting Your Foe by Shouting "Look Behind You!"
Chapter Seven - A Sea Serpent That Spoke with All the Tongues of the Northmen
Part Fifty
Chapter One - This Stupid Thing is Fifty Parts Long and We're Not on Book Seven Yet
Chapter Two - It Didn't Even Last Six Chapters
Chapter Three - Hope Nobody Was Taking a Nighttime Walk at the Marina
Chapter Four - The Countess Krak's Floating Palace
Chapter Five - Krak and Heller Get Physical
Chapter Six - Krak Learns Nothing
Part Fifty-One
Chapter One - Because Drugging and Holding Your Beau Prisoner is Romantic, Right?
Chapter Two - Teenie's Story
Chapter Three - Ancient Chinese Secret
Chapter Four - Missed Opportunities
Chapter Five - Getting the Picture
Chapter Six - Flower Girl
Voyage of Vengeance
Space Monsters Enforcing Traditional Gender Roles
Part Fifty-Two
Chapter One - This Does Not Bode Well for the Rest of the Book
Chapter Two - Learn a New Word for Loincloth
Chapter Three - A Perfectly Good Rape Opportunity, Wasted
Chapter Four - If Only Cell Phones Existed
Chapter Five - Gris Freaks, Krak is Disgusted, Bang-Bang Gets Lucky
Chapter Six - Learn a Verb from Billiards
Chapter Seven - A Gay Old Time for Gris
Part Fifty-Three
Chapter One - Learn About Nerves (and an Important Vein)
Chapter Two - The (Possibly) True Origin of Teenie Whopper
Chapter Three - The State Department Is Out To Get Us
Chapter Four - A Truth Worth Killing For
Chapter Five - The Prat Falls
Chapter Six - The Cat Came Back
Part Fifty-Four
Chapter One - The Tale of Gerry Wister
Chapter Two - Gris Gives Madison Something to Worry About
Chapter Three - Heller Impoverishes the Crew of His Girlfriend's Yacht
Chapter Four - He Would've Enacted His Evil Plan, But He Got High
Chapter Five - Learn a Synonym for "Lucrative"
Chapter Six - Is It Still a Rescue When You Sent Them Into Danger in the First Place?
Chapter Seven - Feel the Raw Terror as the Main Characters Have Breakfast
Part Fifty-Five
Chapter One - Hott Dogg
Chapter Two - Garbage Day
Chapter Three - The Fifty-Thousand Dollar Question
Chapter Four - Adventures in Packing
Chapter Five - The Flight of J. Warbler Madman
Chapter Six - Escape from New York, Again
Part Fifty-Six
Chapter One - The Voyage Begins
Chapter Two - Shipper on Deck
Chapter Three - Mission Bermuda
Chapter Four - Meanwhile, Back at the Plot
Chapter Five - Whale Wangs
Chapter Six - Mission Morocco
Chapter Seven - Fate Wears Jogging Shorts
Part Fifty-Seven
Chapter One - Mission Spain
Chapter Two - The Good Guys Pump Ravenous Bacteria Into the Atmosphere
Chapter Three - Mission France
Chapter Four - When an Unstoppable Force Meets a Movable Object
Chapter Five - Stupid American Tourists
Chapter Six - Change of Plans
Chapter Seven - Mission Italy
Chapter Eight - Leave it to Hubbard to Make Italy Boring
Part Fifty-Eight
Chapter One - Mission Greece
Chapter Two - Madison Tries to Destroy the World, Again
Chapter Three - Gris Solves the Mystery
Chapters Four and Five - Learn a Neat Synonym for "Treachery"
Chapter Six - Abandon Ship
Chapter Seven - The Sea Tries to Kidnap and Cook Gris
Part Fifty-Nine
Chapter One - Secrets of the Goat Cave
Chapters Two and Three - The Island Sojourn Ends
Chapters Four and Five - My Big Dumb Turkish Shotgun Wedding
Chapter Six - The Mystery of Black-Jowls, Revealed!
Chapter Seven - Child Abuse and Further Revelations
Part Sixty
Chapters One and Two - Gris Slips a Mickey and Heller Solves a Solved Mystery
Chapter Three - Why Earth Sucks and Toasted Marshmallows
Chapters Four and Five - Mailbag
Chapters Six, Seven and Eight - The Easiest Way to Get a Hostage
Chapter Nine - Piracy at Fifty Thousand Feet
Part Sixty-One
Chapter One - The Danger of Windows
Chapter Two - I Think Hubbard Misses Scotland
Chapter Three - Krak Does Some Light Reading
Chapters Four and Five - Pointless Piracy
Chapters Six and Seven - Anticlimax
Chapter Eight - Don't Stop Believing
Intermission - The Search for Plot
Disaster
As One-Word Summations of the Series Go, Not Too Shabby
Part Sixty-Two
Chapters One, Two and Three - And This Wasn't in Book Seven Because...?
Chapter Four - The View from the Cockpit
Chapter Five - Podiatry at 1,584,000 Feet
Chapter Six - Stock Options at 1,584,000 Feet
Chapter Seven - Black Holes are Basically Magnets, Right?
Part Sixty-Three
Chapter One - Ship With No Gun Vs. Ship That Is Gun
Chapter Two - Just a Scratch
Chapter Three - The Nature of Hate
Chapter Four - The Care and Keeping of Black Holes
Chapter Five - Unlimited Power
Chapter Six - Orbital Bombardment
Chapter Seven - (Bleeping) Magnets, How Do They Work?
Chapters Eight and Nine - Jettero Heller Saves the World
Part Sixty-Four
Chapters One and Two - Either Remorse or Giddy Anticipation
Chapters Three and Four - This Book Came Out Five Years Before The Crying Game
Chapter Five - The Hologram Doesn't Have an Off Switch, Either
Chapter Six - Maybe Gris Saw the Twist Coming, Too
Chapter Seven - The Trial of Soltan Gris (Will Be Held Later)
Chapter Eight - Prahd Gets His Own Back
Chapter Nine - My Little Aliens: Friendship is Blackmail
Part Sixty-Five
Chapter One - Could This Be the Last Time We Go to the Bank?
Chapter Two - Space Aliens Who Never Heard of a Digital Office
Chapter Three - Point at Gris and Laugh
Chapter Four - The Voyage Home
Chapter Five - Back Where It All Began
Part Sixty-Six
Chapter One - Like a Storm Raging Inside
Chapters Two and Three - Soltan Gris Phones Home
Chapter Four - Right Round Baby Right Round
Chapters Five and Six - You Can't Kill Me, I Quit
Chapter Seven - Back to Part One, Chapter One
Part Sixty-Seven
Chapters One and Two - The Fool Monte
Chapters Three and Four - Investigative Journalism, Voltar Style
Chapter Five - The Report of Craftleader Soams
Chapters Six and Seven - Scruffy-Looking Grazing Animal Herder
Chapters Eight and Nine - Now We Can Finally Pick Up Where We Stopped Nine Chapters Ago
Part Sixty-Eight
Chapter One - Jet for the Heller of It
Chapter Two - Part Sixty-Six, Chapter Four, Redux
Chapters Three and Four - Ostentation Worth Dying For
Chapter Five - I'm Picturing a Plate of Onion Rings
Chapters Six and Seven - Grand Theft Royale
Part Sixty-Nine
Chapter One - Ancient Plot Points
Chapters Two and Three - It's Not Called "Mission Voltar," After All
Chapter Four - Military Law is Hard
Chapter Five - In the Army Now
Chapters Six and Seven - It's Not the Cover Art Yet, His Outfit's Wrong and Nothing's Exploding
Part Seventy
Chapter One - Hubbard Always Calls It a Satchel, Never a Bag
Chapters Two and Three - The Tuxedo on the Cover is the Wrong Color
Chapter Four - That Damn Cat
Chapter Five - In Which the Author Flunks 1st Grade Science
Chapters Six and Seven - First Annual Rockecenter Family Reunion
Intermission - So Which Disaster Was the One in the Title?
Villainy Victorious
He DOES Exist!
Part Seventy-One
Chapter One - Heller Calls a Friend
Chapters Two and Three - You Will Believe a Tank Can Fly
Chapter Four - Shall Not Be Mourned
Chapter Five - Lombar Needs to Get His Hands on the Royal Family Jewels
Chapter Six - How Madison Spent His Alien Abduction
Part Seventy-Two
Chapter One - Like Gas, But In Space!
Chapter Two - Meet the New Boss...
Chapter Three - Madison Eventually Remembers His Promise
Chapter Four - Teenie Gone Wild
Chapter Five - Teenie Gone Wilder
Chapter Six - Teenie Ascends the Throne
Chapter Seven - Teenie Pushes a Guy's Buttons
Chapter Eight - Teenie Flexes Her Muscles
Chapter Nine - Teenie Reminds Her Audience That They Are Not Dead
Chapter Ten - Teenie's Ultimatum
Chapter Eleven - Two Hours of Madison Sitting in a Chair
Part Seventy-Three
Chapter One - Alien Mating Rituals
Chapter Two - In the Boudoir of Queen Hora
Chapter Three - What, Me Worry?
Chapter Four - Two Alien Infiltrators Keep a Low Profile
Chapter Five - It's Not Real Until You See It on Homeview
Part Seventy-Four
Chapter One - Don't Spend It All At Once
Chapter Two - Four Hundred Billion Cups of Coffee
Chapter Three - Wish Fulfillment
Chapter Four - Why Spend Billions When He Could Steal Thousands?
Chapters Five and Six - The Ideal Gang and a PR Crew
Chapter Seven - The Confederacy's Worst Criminals Frolic and Have a Sing-Song
Chapter Eight - Madison Follows His Nose
Part Seventy-Five
Chapter One - Smells
Chapter Two - Docking Dangers
Chapter Three - The Haunting of Floor Seventy-Seven
Chapter Four - The Death of a Dream
Chapter Five - Smells Like Eventual Victory
Chapter Six - Diamond Eyelashes
Chapter Seven - Gilded Fingernails
Part Seventy-Six
Chapter One - Mission Earth the Musical
Chapter Two - The Outlaw Jettero Heller
Chapter Three - Government Has Nothing to Do With Royalty
Chapter Four - The Perfect Public Storm
Chapter Five - The Hostage Queen of Flisten
Chapter Six - Queen Teenie's Army
Part Seventy-Seven
Chapters One and Two - The Greatest PR Since Caesar!
Chapter Three - Alien News is Hella Boring
Chapters Four and Five - Neglect is the Best Therapy
Chapters Six and Seven - The Return of the Crobe
Chapter Eight - The Latest Secret History of PR and Psychology
Part Seventy-Eight
Chapter One - Heller Still Isn't Worried
Chapter Two - Old News
Chapter Three - Consulting the Big Book of Backstory
Chapter Four - (Bleep) France
Chapter Five - Sand Bombs
Chapter Six - The Delay and Self-Interest of Bolz
Part Seventy-Nine
Chapter One - Madison the Voyeur
Chapter Two - Death by Magic Mail
Chapter Three - What May or May Not Be Invasion Plans
Chapter Four - More Minor Characters, Back From the Dead
Chapter Five - Shout a Monster
Chapter Six - License to Chill
Chapter Seven - A New Era
Part Eighty
Chapter One - Smack Smack
Chapters Two and Three - The Return of Soltan Gris
Chapter Four - Red Honeymoon
Chapter Five - Quad Damage
Chapter Six - The Man Who Would Be King
Chapter Seven - Hope You Weren't Hoping to See More of Calabar
Chapter Eight - Insincere Greetings and Salutations from Jettero Heller
Part Eighty-One
Chapter One - The Trial of Soltan Gris, as Promised in Part Sixty-Four
Chapter Two - The Trial of Soltan Gris, Abridged
Chapter Three - Opening Night
Chapter Four - How Many Death Battalion Troopers Does It Take to Arrest One Actress?
Chapter Five - That Was Fast
Chapter Six - Pour Encourager Les Autres
The Doomed Planet
Not So Much a Throne Room as a Throne Porch
Part Eighty-Two
Chapter One - The Army Has a Fleet, the Fleet Has Spies, and the Spies Have an Army
Chapter Two - When Capital Punishment Isn't Enough
Chapter Three - The Trial of Soltan Gris, Concluded?
Chapter Four - The Trial of Soltan Gris, And Everybody Else
Chapter Five - The Verdict of the Trial of Soltan Gris
Chapter Six - The True Meaning of PR
Part Eighty-Three
Chapters One and Two - Opportunity Knocks
Chapters Three and Four - Lombar Gives His All for the Confederacy
Chapter Five - Royal Marriages Are Different
Chapters Six and Seven - Time-Traveling Radio Waves
Part Eighty-Four
Chapter One - Whip and Snelz and Lepertige Tails
Chapter Two - The Shellacking of Camp Kill
Chapter Three - Invasion Tactics and Tractor Beam Physics
Chapters Four and Five - My Tank is Flight
Chapter Six - Reap the Whirlwind
Part Eighty-Five
Chapter One - Landscaping
Chapters Two and Three - Rocky Mountain High
Chapters Four and Five - The Pantsing of Palace City
Chapter Six - Jettero Heller vs. Lombar Hisst, Round Two
Part Eighty-Six
Chapters One and Two - The "Nerve-Shattering Climax"
Chapters Three, Four and Five - Afterglow?
Chapters Six and Seven - The Root of All Evil (Involves Clowns, of Course)
Chapter Eight - Sex, Drugs, and That's About It
Part Eighty-Seven
Chapter One - The Invasion of Earth
Chapter Two - It Sorta Rhymes with "Genius"
Chapters Three and Four - The Trial of Soltan Gris 2: The Page-and-a-Half Version
Chapter Five - Going Out and Eat Worms
Chapter Six - In Which We Deal With Most of the Antagonists
Part Eighty-Eight
Chapter One - Dramatic Revelations of Royal Proclamations
Chapters Two and Three - First Degree Dress Code Violations
Chapters Four and Five - Jettero Heller Doesn't Help His Case
Chapters Six and Seven - Heller Fixes Prison Overcrowding and the Problem of Censorship
Part Eighty-Nine
Chapters One and Two - Our Hero Brainstorms How to Blow Up Our Planet
Chapter Three - The Destruction of Earth
Chapters Four and Five - The End
Part Ninety
Envoi I-i - The Beginning of the Stuff After the End
Envoi I-ii and I-iii - Earth Update
Envoi I-iv - Interview with a Twerp
Envoi I-v-vii - The Search for Relaxation
Part Ninety-One
Envoi II-viii-xi - Madison's True Genius
Envoi II-xii-xiv - The Secret of Minx Estates
Envoi II-xv - The Internment Camp of Mental Health
Part Ninety-Two
Envoi III-xvi-xvii - One Last Session With Dr. Crobe
Envoi III-xviii-xix - The Ascension of Lombar Hisst
Envoi III-xx-xxi - The Monstrous, Final Cover-Up
Envoi III-xxii - Monte's Ode to Earth
Envoi III-xxii (concluded) - The True and Final End (to Sanity)
One Mission Ends, Another Continues
The Wrap-Up Essays
Starring..?
Who Is Jettero Heller?
Éminence Gris
Hubbard the Feminist
Hubbard the Sexual Creature
Hubbard the Scientist
Hubbard the Satirist
Hubbard the Reformer
Salvaging Mission Earth
The Value of Mission Earth
Satire
Book-by-Book Breakdown
