Part Fifty-Four, Chapter Four - He Would've Enacted His Evil Plan, But He Got High

Let's say you're in a bit of a pickle.  You've been blackmailed by some people into being a sex slave they whore out to all their friends, threatened with charges that could see you imprisoned for life, if not killed.  Furthermore, your two mortal enemies are methodologically dismantling your life's work, and have a sinister plan that would also end in your death.  You just tried to neutralize one of them, but your foe slipped the net and is now undoubtedly trying to reunite with your other enemy and bring about your ruin all the faster.  But, despite the looming disaster hanging over you, you've come up with a plan, a way to strike back, a way to salvage the situation, to take the first step on the road to getting your life back under control.  Time to leap into action, no?

Gris goes home, gets stoned, does his sexy thing, and oversleeps.

Teenie's around, discussing a new "passive mode" sex technique where women feign death for their man's enjoyment.  Gris is of course still angry about the skateboard injury, not that he needs a reason to be annoyed with Teenie, who he has irrationally hated since she was first introduced.  One of the lesbians upsets Gris by going into this newly-described "passive mode," so Gris needs some marijuana to get through the act.  The ex-lesbians are of course impressed, but complain that there's no way they could get by with one Grissing a month, but Pinchy reassures them that Gris will be helping convert "those chauvinistic pigs of homos" soon, so there'll be plenty of man-parts to go around.  And at the mention of "homoes," Gris freezes up.

Bouncing off door jambs, I got to my room.  I locked the door.  I fell upon the sofa.  I lay there shivering.  I also felt like I was running a fever.

Would my plan work?

No.  You haven't done anything to make it work.  You have thought of the plan, and that is all.

Would I make it in time?

Have you made any effort to make it in time?  Set an alarm?  Get a courtesy call from someone?  Start your plan now instead of later?

If the Fates decreed NO to both, then I might as well blow my brains out, for life would become utterly unsupportable.

Obviously Gris doesn't kill himself, or else he wouldn't be narrating this "confession."  Which is not to say that Gris doesn't fail next chapter, he just puts as much effort into his suicide as he does his plan.

Too stoned and too blind to watch viewers, I wrapped myself in blankets and fell into awful nightmares where I did not make it and wound up in the Manco Devil's Hell, raped for eternity by homo Demons, even though I blew my brains out daily!

And of course Gris is too stoned to make a phone call.  That is all his awesome plan involves - punching seven buttons and having a twenty-second conversation with somebody.  And it'll all fall apart because, as stated previously, he oversleeps.

There's three more books in this series.  Somehow, the author plans on dragging this out for a thousand more pages.  And every chapter we can't help but wonder how Gris hasn't managed to drown in his bathtub yet.


Back to Chapter Three 

Forward to Chapter Five