Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Part Fifty-Two, Chapter Seven - A Gay Old Time for Gris

Say, we're fifty pages into this book and have yet to read anything about what its actual hero is up to.  Let's spend all of a page addressing that this chapter.

With Krak and Bang-Bang having left the courthouse without incident, Gris calls the security agency to complain.  The guy tells him that they "weren't set up for it" because, wait for it, "The last place you'd look for a criminal is the court system, unless of course you mean the judges."  He does ask if Gris has a picture of the target, reminding Gris that he does have a copy of Krak's passport photo to send in.

And by "send in" I of course mean "call up Raht and get him to do it."  Gris' sole surviving henchmen and the only competent person in the entire Apparatus is incredulous when Gris gloats about how "we've got that (bleeped) Royal officer now..." wait, what does getting Krak arrested that have to do with the "Whiz Kid"'s latest legal troubles?  Raht foreshadows a potential Heel Face Turn by remarking that he can't believe such an upstanding officer like Heller would ever rape a minor, especially with as beautiful a girlfriend as Krak.  Gris yells and throws a chair at him.

After that round of abusing someone he's overly reliant on, Gris decides to watch Heller's viewer for no explained reason.  The book's hero, not to be confused with its main character, has lost another card game (with five aces in the captain's "special" deck) and now owes $10,033 on credit.  Heller is confused by these strange Earth card games and decides to take a break before trying again later.

That was pointless.  Now, let's get back to what's really important.

Pinchy and Candy come home to have an intense conversation about those (bleeping) psychiatrists, then Pinchy invites Gris to sit down - because it's either that or watch him collapse in shock.

"Nothing like breaking things gently," she said to me.  "We have it all planned out.  Next week we are going to start converting homos."

"Men?" I said.

"That's right," she said primly.  "Unless we do the other half of the job, we'll get nowhere.  Those (bleeps) have been trained by the psychiatrists into fellatio and sodomy.  They're just a bunch of chauvinistic (bleep) holes!  

I just feel like at some point we've lost track of what Mission Earth is all about.  This was supposed to be a witty satire of our crazy world as seen through alien eyes, maybe some sort of conspiracy thriller about a Rockefeller stand-in's unholy alliance with the mental health industry.  And now we're trying to cure homosexuality through promiscuity.

And that's where you come in."

"Hold on!" I said.  "I don't want anything to do with homos!  They completely nauseate me.  I factually get ill just thinking about it."

"Oh, come now.  All you have to do is combine it with the anti-lesbian campaign: just let the homos stand around and watch and see how good it is."

Couldn't Pinchy just give them a (straight) porno? Or even a personal demonstration of why heterosexuality is better?  Why does Gris need to be involved?  I can get that she brings in all of her "lesbian" friends to be cured by Gris' Wonder Dong, but couldn't that potentially backfire if homosexuals are involved?

"No WAY!" I cried.  "They might get worked up and grab me and rape me in the (bleep).  No, Madame Pinch Bey.  The answer is NO!  That's final.  Count me out.  That's the end of it.  No use talking.  Get a gun.  Shoot me.  Turn me in for bigamy.  But on homos, you can go straight to Hells."

But it turns out Pinchy has been planning this for a while now, and anticipated Gris' refusal.  She has Candy bring in an envelope full of pictures of Gris with two lesbians - and Teenie.  Yes, that chapter how many pages ago where the camera kept flashing while Gris grappled with a feigning-fear Teenie has now paid off.  Why, it looks like Gris was caught on film raping a teenage girl!

"Rats!" I said.  "You all saw it.  You know very well that nothing whatever was happening!  All that was going on was an effort to get her to behave!"

Adora smiled a deadly smile.  "Well, it's certainly very plain from these pictures what you were doing, kiddo.  Anybody looking at it would accept it as total evidence of what you were doing.  That's why the FBI always uses pictures.  The public and courts always believe cameras tell the truth.  So just look at these again," and she fanned them out.  "Here is clear-cut, court, FBI-type evidence of sexual attack, fellatio, sodomy and, in general, THE RAPE OF A MINOR!"

Yeah, those stupid "photographs" lie all the time!  That guy could have been putting money into that cash register, or grabbing another person before they fell down a flight of stairs.

When Gris recovers from the inevitable faint, he finds that Pinchy has even anticipated his most likely attempt to get out of this situation, and has an injunction from Judge Hammer Twist concerning one Teenie Whopper.  If Teenie ever goes missing or is found dead, Gris will be found liable for first degree murder.  Yes, "IT WAS TOO LATE TO KILL TEENIE!"  Now Gris can't do that thing he at no point attempted to do!  Nooooo! 

 "Please note," said Adora, "that I place the paper in your hand and that you are now legally served, a fact which will be carefully recorded in the court.  This effectively ends any slightest choice you have in the matter.  You WILL cooperate in de-homosexualizing

Alternatively, "re-heterosexualizing."

homos.  We begin this program next week.  And you will do your part or go to a Federal pen and be raped daily by the male inmates.  So in seven days we start, and there are no ifs, ands or buts.

"Now go take a shower and get ready for tonight's girls.  You seem to be wringing wet with sweat and I detect a peculiar odor to you."

The peculiar odor was the raw, acrid stink of terror.


I knew at that moment, no matter how I dissimulated, I would have to flee.  And I only had one week.

WHAT was I going to do in that week?

Book a flight to Istanbul and make a new identity using the Apparatus facility that specializes in forged Turkish birth certificates?


Or you could spout gibberish and flail around as usual, I guess.

Back to Part Fifty-Two, Chapter Six

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