Thursday, May 30, 2013

Part Fifty-Six, Chapter One - The Voyage Begins

Just in case you'd forgotten - and I certainly had to check, it's been so long - the last time Gris fled America waaaay back in Book Four, it was to escape those sadomasochistic lesbians he wound up marrying.  This time he's fleeing to get out of performing a live sex show in front of some gay folks, for fear that the sight of his naked ass will incite his audience into a frenzy of sodomy instead of turning them straight.

Spend a moment to brainstorm some other ways the author could've gotten Gris to Turkey.  Secure transmission from Lombar Hisst?  Urgent request for oversight at the Afyon base?  Crobe's being unruly and needs Gris' delicate touch?  Needs to pick up some gadget he doesn't trust sending a henchman to retrieve?  Something at least related to the satirical espionage thriller you're supposed to be writing?

Or use your gratuitous and unerotic sex scenes to justify your character's movements.  Whatever works.

This chapter's a lot of nothin'.  The steward suggests Gris takes a bath and keeps talking about his "concubine" running off with that "CIA agent."  Pages 159-160.  The Chief Steward (not to be confused with the steward) spends a paragraph describing all the wonderful things available for dinner, such as Rainbow Trout, Venison Sauerbraten, and Neopolitan Flambeaux, then is confused whether Sultan Bey is a Christian or Moslem.  Page 161.  The personal trainer comes up with a regimen to get Gris back into shape, the fatty, and pushes him around the boat's track for five laps.  Page 162.   Gris hears that Madison is driving around on the go-kart track, play-chasing Teenie on her skateboard, then he hits the pool, where he's shortly joined by Madison and a topless Teenie.  Page 163.

Hubbard, you're losing the reader!  Quick, do something exciting!

"Last one in's a falsie!" screamed Teenie.  She raced up the diving board and SPLASH!  A wave of water hit me.  SPLASH!  Another wave hit me as Madison went in!

Teenie hadn't come up.

She grabbed Madison's legs from below and pulled him under.

They surfaced.  They batted tidal waves of water at each other.  They hit me!

"FOR GODS' SAKES!" I yelled.  "You're drowning me!"

They both bobbed, suddenly silent.  They looked at each other.  They raced to the side of the pool.  They surged out.

They grabbed me, one on either side, and THREW ME IN!

Three characters we have no reason to like and plenty of reasons to hate, horsing around in a pool on an absurdly luxurious yacht, as they sail away from the story's actual plot.  Voyage of Vengeance, ladies and gentlemen.

Back to Part Fifty-Five, Chapter Six

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