There's a brief bit at the beginning of Gris going to the hospital to pay Torpedo's $5,100 bill and get him released from security, after which he orders the clerk to send the hitman back to Dr. Finkelbaum. Then he continues on to Boyd's of London to get that "hit man insurance." While riding the bus, he tunes in to Krak's activities on the portable viewscreen.
Bang-Bang's already driven them to the ROTC offices at Empire University. Colonel Tanc is described as "a military martinet, stiff as starch." I had to look up "martinet." The colonel apparently has nothing but contempt for the students playing at soldiers, and Bang-Bang once again tries to talk the Countess out of trying to reason with him, as though she hadn't just miraculously convinced Bang-Bang's equally antagonistic parole officer to cooperate with her wishes.
Then Hubbard breaks my mind again.
Two plump black women in the seat behind me were looking over my shoulder at the viewer interestedly. One said, "I didn't know they were doin' no rerun of Sophia Loren in the morning, but that sure as hell is Marcello Mastroianni."
"Naw," said the other, "that's Humphrey Bogart, plain as the nose on your face, woman. But I didn't know he played with Sophia Loren and that sho' as hell was her voice."
"Look at that," said the other, "you don't see her face, only what she's looking at. I know a Hitchcock film when I see one, only it's in color.
Wikipedia sez Hitchcock's first color film was Rope in 1948.
Did Hitchcock ever direct Sophia Loren?"
I ignored them. Riffraff.
Maybe I'm just ignorant. Maybe there was an explosion of interest in Humphrey Bogart (died 1957) and his contemporaries in the late 70's/early 80's. Maybe everyone from cab drivers to inner-city African-American women to sleazy space aliens were into classic Hitchcock movies. Maybe this isn't really, really bizarre.
Moving on... Krak writes up a request for leave on behalf of Jerome Terrace Wister, and puts it in an envelope along with a small glass bubble. Gris immediately wonders if Krak's making a mail bomb, which would imply that either Voltarian explosives can look like small, transparent bubbles, or Gris is a thundering idiot.
When Krak steps into the office of Colonel Panzer, who is of course surrounded by flags and cannon shells, she crushes the sphere in the envelope as she uses the Magician's Forcer Gesture to make the man grab it. She introduces herself as Wister's sister, asking for some leave time on his behalf, since their "poor, dear grandmother lies dying in Sleepy Hollow, ready to leave him a million bucks if he avoids the wolf and comes out of the woods in time with a basket of lunch on his arm."
Hubbard's attacks on my brain this chapter: 2.
Krak also adds that if the colonel refuses, she won't dance at him at the regimental ball. And Colonel Armored Fighting Vehicle, who is now flushed and staring at Krak with a "strange look of pleasure," hastens to sign the leave request. But as she tries to leave he lunges at her, crying "Come with me to my room, my little pigeon!" Krak ends up chased out of the office by the colonel and a sergeant, until she leaps into Bang-Bang's cab and they speed out.
"She made it!" said one black woman.
"Yeah, and right in the teeth of the Army, too!" said the other.
"Did you see that colonel slaver?" said the first. "Great actor, Charleton Heston."
"(Bleep)!" said the other. "That didn't take no actin'. Now when you realize he was chasing Lauren Bacall!"
Ha! Your attack has no effect, Hubbard! I'm too busy trying to figure out why some gerunds are -ings and others are -in's, even though they're said by the same person.
This time Krak used "An emotional stimulator perfume capsule. Crush in contact with paper or cloth and avoid. Causes a person to become amorous so that he can be arrested for making improper advances." Good thing this evidently only works on males. And her targets hadn't been turned by Psychiatric Birth Control.
Bang-Bang asks what Krak did to get such results, Krak orders him to take her to Hairytown... which sounds like a terrible innuendo, eww. Bang-Bang goes along with this dangerous plan because gosh he can't say no to such a beautiful woman. And the black ladies on the bus with Gris have to get off at their stop, but say they'll be sure to catch the end of the show, because they love the part when the girl gets killed. "So will I!" Gris says to himself grimly.
Meanwhile I can't help but conclude that the last two chapters could've been skipped if the Countess Krak had taken a flippin' bus to Hairytown instead of insisting that Bang-Bang drive her. But then we would've missed out on her using magical alien devices to effortlessly get what she wants while humiliating one-shot characters who we are told are bad guys.
And is that not what Mission Earth is all about?
When it's not about Gris raping lesbians straight or murdering people. Or insane rants about the evils of psychology. Or unsophisticated and unsubtle social commentary.
Back to Part Forty-Four, Chapter Seven
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