The good news is that it looks like things are going to happen in this book, things that will actually advance the plot. The bad news is the Depravity-o-Meter is going to go up some more notches. Or did you think Hubbard was going to stop at rape and pedophilia?
We have someone who I feel confident in assuming isn't Soltan Gris, because he looks moderately dangerous. He strikes an intimidating pose atop a downed police motorcycle, his blood-red T-shirt adorned with a Grim Reaper pointing menacingly at you, the reader. He's got a skull and crossed dagger tattoo on his muscly bicep, reinforcing his role as a dealer of death. And his... brown/orange patterned slacks really... uh...
Well, he's got a rifle. He isn't using the scope, or even looking in the direction he's pointing it, but that's not stopping him from pulling the trigger. I assume he'd be screaming a wordless cry of rage if he weren't holding a combat knife in his teeth.
I don't get the spiked collar, though. It's a leash, it would seem, since there's some guy in a trenchcoat trying to get Ugly Pants under control, but Ugly Pants doesn't seem worried about it. If Ugly Pants were an out-of-control berserker type, surely he'd be shooting Mr. Trenchcoat? But if Ugly Pants were well-behaved enough to not try to kill the guy bringing him to heel, would he even need the leash to begin with? It's a mystery.
Another mystery is why the policeman tucked away to the left is still holding his fire while Ugly Pants is blazing away with his rifle. If there's a tense stand-off going down between officers of the law and a snarling, armed man in horrible slacks, you'd think any gunfire started by that individual is going to be answered in kind from the officers.
The back cover contains the usual blurbs about Mission Earth's "breakneck pace," but two entries stand out. First, the Baltimore Evening Sun says that "there is plenty of murder, conspiracy and sex to keep us occupied." I'll point out that "occupied" isn't necessarily the same thing as "entertained." Root canals occupy your time, as do funerals and car accidents.
The other notable quote insists that "Mission Earth never pauses, only accelerates" as standard, but was written by former astronaut Edward Gibson. Alas, our space program's budget cuts mean that, at least for the foreseeable future, there will be no study of how prolonged space flights affect attitudes towards L. Ron Hubbard novels - this is very important issue that could endanger any future attempts at interstellar travel.
I wish I'd hunted down a hardcover copy of Death Quest, because after Fortune of Fear I'm wondering what one-chapter, meaningless events are hyped on Death Quest's book jacket.
Past the front cover there's three more pages of rave reviews (i.e. lies), and again two quotes stand out. Orson Scott Card is here, calling Mission Earth "ironic, exciting, romantic and hilarious." Meanwhile Anne McCaffrey dubs this "Marvelous satire by a master of adventure." Now, both McCaffrey and Card made statements that were a little, ah, inflammatory. Specifically, McCaffrey's "Tent Peg Statement" and Card's essay on "The Hypocrites of Homosexuality." And both apparently enjoyed Mission Earth. Could there be a connection between gay-unfriendly viewpoints and attitudes towards L. Ron Hubbard? Again, this is a case where further research is urgently needed.
There's a map of New Jersey, a map of the waters around Atlantic City with "Heller's Route" drawn out for us, and dammit a map of Turkey. I thought we were done with Turkey. I desperately want to be done with Turkey. Nothing good or meaningful happens in Turkey. If some poor bastard were trying to adapt this to the screen, the Turkey sections would be the first to go.
Both the Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer and the Voltarian Translator's Preface spend some time scoffing at the non-existent Earth's judicial system, specifically the notion of suing for damages. So if you were wondering how the author could possibly make Mission Earth even more slow and plodding, here's your answer - legal drama.
Part Forty-Three begins with Gris' traditional latter to Lord Turn, where he "confesses" by recapping the previous volume. The Fortune of Fear is not mentioned. The trip to Switzerland is not mentioned. Gris' booty call limo is not mentioned. Gris bombing Istanbul is not mentioned. Instead, Gris sticks to the theme of "Females are vicious, treacherous, lying beasts who spend every waking minute conniving amongst themselves, plotting and scheming how to destroy every single male. They should all be destroyed." He criticizes Miss Pinch and Candy's infidelity to the field of psychology for switching teams after Gris raped them, and then repeats his revelation that killing the Countess Krak would hamper Heller.
So, to summarize the important bits of Fortune of Fear:
- Gris raped the heterosexuality back into two women
- The Countess Krak is a threat and should be killed
Mission Earth, ladies and gentlemen, where the question is which acts of rape and murder will be relevant to the plot.
Back to an Intermission: Treasure of Terror
Back to Part Forty-Two, Chapters Ten and Eleven
I can't wait to find out how this book scores on the Deprav-o-meter.
ReplyDelete