Friday, November 1, 2013

Part Seventy-Two, Chapter Eight - Teenie Flexes Her Muscles

So Teenie just got on stage and poked a kid's happy buttons until he made a mess in front of his peers.  That really ought to be enough for this scene, but nope, the author isn't done yet.  Teenie thanks her audience for paying attention thus far and continues her lesson.  Madison is so baffled that he lumps several thoughts together in the same paragraph.

Madison blinked.  She certainly taught a very unorthodox class!  What more could there possibly be to this after TWO (bleepulations)?  He knew she could be taken in hand and educated in good presentation.  She had achieved a program peak with "Long Live Your Majesty."  There couldn't be anything more.  Then he wondered why he should be so anxious to be tried and probably executed.  He must think of something!

I'm not sure where the "trial" threat came from, as I'm under the impression that Madison was instead in danger of being murdered by angry servants for insulting their "queen."

Teenie offers her class "a moment's relaxation" and breaks out the marijuana, proving how juvenile delinquency, sexual activity, and drug use are all linked.  To aid in the relaxation, Teenie has the band strike up some "ROCK AND ROLL!"  Yes, she had a bunch of cassettes in her luggage and taught the aliens to play an old favorite by a certain English group, adding the Beatles to the list of things ruined by association with L. Ron Hubbard.  At least he doesn't specify which song.

While everyone else is rocking out, Teene's test subject returns looking pleased, shortly followed by her two assistants, who are still adjusting their clothes.  Some big winks and "ok" hand gestures are used to spell out what happened offscreen.  And then, because ruining one musical legend wasn't enough, a male vocalist gets on the stage, starts gyrating his hips, and croons along to a tune supposedly inspired by Elvis Presley. 

Oh, a soldier's life is the life for me,
Tuma-a-diddle, tuma-a-diddle, paw-paw.
In camp and plain, I'm always free
To tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw.
No women ever spoil my view
With tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw.
They're always wanting something new,
Not tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw.
For it is the men that I enjoy
To tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw.
The best there is, I find, is boy!
Oh, tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw.

Yes, it's not just Space Elvis singing awful lyrics, it's Child-Molesting Space Elvis.

The enemy I do not mind
If tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw
Can go on in my behind
With tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw,
And if my bunkmates all are kind
With tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw.
Surrounded by ten thousand (bleeps)
That tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw,

Wait, you changed the rhyming scheme.

All passionate and hard as rocks
To tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw,
Eager to slide in my buttocks
And tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw!
So (bleep), (bleep), (bleep) and (bleep) in me!
Tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw.
And let me (bleep) and (bleep) in thee
With tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle, paw-paw.
Oh, what a love-ul-lee Arm-eee!
With its tuma-diddle, tuma-diddle,

So, uh... now that Elvis, and the army, and homosexuals have all been... satirized?  Well, that's still not enough for this chapter.  Teenie gets up, the spotlight comes on, and she tears off her military outfit, stripping down to a thong, extremely short jacket, and the "PHALLIC SYMBOLS!" painted all over her body.  So what, are we talking ♂'s?  Or just doodles of dongles?

Whatever they are, Teenie's audience, who is of course gay and therefore disinterested in her nearly-naked form, is absolutely spellbound by her suggestive temporary tattoos.  Especially when she starts contorting her muscles to make those tattoos dance.  Y'know, much how like straight guys appreciate footage of women when projected onto a man's naked, flexing ass.  Then she starts strutting around, tossing a baton, and the crowd emits "SCREAMS OF ECSTASY AND APPLAUSE," while Madison is impressed by both the "muscle dance" he just saw and Teenie's showmanship.

She certainly held these boys in her palm.  Their attitude toward her was expressed in their adoring eyes.  If he could only get her to listen to reason.  This was a juggernaut of influence to be channelled!

I think "influence" is the new "leverage."

But she certainly must be finished now, and any moment she would come over and say "Off with his head!" and he never would be able to bring Heller the fame to which he was entitled.

You'd never be able to take out an insurance policy on a motorcycle, either.  There's actually a pretty long list of things you can't do without your head.

A tear coursed down Madison's cheek as he thought how brutal life really was.  The plum was almost within his grasp and yet he sat here starving.

You could always go back to Hisst, see if he's on a different drug and more agreeable to your terms.  Just sayin'.

Then he sat up with amazement.  This program had even more to it!  But it couldn't have!  Not after that climax!

So after having a young female character - one he repeatedly emphasizes is underage and undeveloped - fondle boys only slightly older than her, then get up on a stage and perform more sex acts in front of an audience, then give an allegedly erotic dance, the author still isn't done yet!  Maybe he thinks he hasn't sufficiently made his point, whatever that is.  Or maybe he thinks that the plot requires more underage sex, even though this is all a subplot to allow the main plot to get started due to an artificial obstacle.

At any rate, this crap goes on for another thirty pages.  If there's a particular brand of liquor you use to get through this, you may want to stock up over the weekend.

Back to Chapter Seven 

No comments:

Post a Comment