Part Seventy-Two, Chapter Nine - Teenie Reminds Her Audience That They Are Not Dead

This part of the story was later assembled by Monte Pennwell, yes?  I wonder why he felt the need to go into such detail about what Madison saw during Teenie's "demonstration." (editor's note from the future: oh, it'll all make sense by the end of Book Ten)

No, Teenie's not done.  She gets out a new diagram and asks for another (virginal) volunteer, a sixteen-year-old in a rainbow-colored garment identified as the son of Lord Snor, who you'll remember is in charge of HomeView.  And that's how the kid is referred to for the rest of the chapter: "the son of Snor."  Hubbard couldn't be arsed to switch out a letter and call him Fnor or Stor or something.

Madison of course goes nuts, valuable resource, Teenie and her "INFLUENCE!", must think of something, the same things we've been reading over and over again for this torturous sequence.  Meanwhile Snor Jr. swears his eternal allegiance to this strange alien monarch.  Then our good friend Too-Too is brought out, the orchestra starts up a "hard and sexy rock beat," and Teenie's next lesson begins.

The diagram shows the human... Voltarian sphincter muscle, which of course performs a very important function, albeit one not to be discussed in polite company.  

She turned and fixed them with her eye.  The music pounded and the lights pulsed.  "Now, if this muscle were NOT under your control, it would be disaster, right?"

"Right!" they chorused back.

And pretty gross.

"IT IS THE MUSCLE OF LIFE AND DEATH!" cried Teenie.

They stared at her with awe.

"When people die," she cried, "it lets go!"

A gasp of horror rose above the beating music.

"Therefore," cried Teenie, "an active sphincter muscle is a sign of life!" 

Can't argue with that logic.

She drew herself up sternly and called, "Is yours active?"

The crowd of catamites and catamite initiates responded with an emphatic "YES!"

Teenie shouted, "Then you LIVE!"

Cheers racketed around the hall above the beat of music.

Looking back over Mission Spork, I realize that I missed a few opportunities, such as keeping a running tally of how many aspirins were consumed over the course of reading and reviewing these books.  Whatever that number is, it just went up.

Teenie has more - not only can a muscle in your body be controlled by you, but this sphincter muscle in particular can be trained to "go round and round!"  This sounds as reputable as the rest of Hubbard's science, but honestly?  I'm not inclined to research the matter.  So sure, whatever, humans can develop an Amazing Rotating Anus.

Since her audience cannot believe such a wonderful thing could be possible, Teenie naturally is going to have Too-Too give them a demonstration with the help of Snor Jr.  Madison suddenly starts a commotion, shrieking "No, Teenie, no!"  I'm not sure why he's trying to disrupt the "INFLUENCE!" Teenie has over these critically important government pages, or why he's trying to put his foot down now.  I think the author decided someone needed to object to these events, so it wouldn't sound like he was suggesting big gay underage sex shows were a good thing.

Or maybe it's a form of self-censorship?  Madison's guard snarls for him to be quiet and brings out his axe, coincidentally blocking Madison's view of the stage with an electrified chopamajig.  Madison wiggles in his seat to get a better view - he's horrified by this, just not enough to stop actively trying to watch it - but all he can see is the look on Snor Jr.'s face while Too-Too's sphincter works its magic.

Sometimes I look back on what I've just typed and have a little existential crisis.

When Too-Too's demonstration, ahem, finishes, the audience is so worked up that Teenie throws off her cloak and commands them to "HAVE AT IT!"  Cue the big gay underage orgy.

They gave a thankful shout!  Behind the ropes they fell upon one another like wolves in heat.  The music and marijuana and the tableaux, the pulsing colored lights, had driven them mad with lust that no longer could be restrained.

The air above the roped-off areas was a sudden explosion of castoff jackets and other clothing.

The floor behind the ropes began to sink and with it went the sound of savage music and the lights, the stacks of sweetbuns and sparklewater and the cries of the boys.

A second floor slid over and the crowd was gone.

So even though the room's floor can sink into a neat little depression, they still wheeled in a stage for Teenie to work from.  Also, where does the floor go?  Does the place have a basement, or a little storage area?

Whatever.  Now Teenie's show is over, which is good.  Unfortunately, Teenie's still up to her antics, so as I said last time we're not quite done with her yet.


Back to Chapter Eight 

Forward to Chapter Ten