It holds two pilots, it has regular warp drives and it carries the largest caliber blastcannon made. It has no frills, no comforts: it was just that, a gun. And that gun can wrap a whole planet into a ball of flame.
Yeah... it's also small enough to fit in Spiteos' hangars, so it can't be all that big. So it must have one helluva warhead. But its armament is apparently still larger than the blastcannons used on actual Voltarian capital ships, which is a little confusing, not to mention stupid. As is the decision to put your ultimate weapon on a defenseless, two-person vehicle as opposed to a proper battleship. And if it's the warhead that's dangerous, couldn't you just stick it on an interplanetary missile and cut out the middleman? Wait, this is a blastgun, there probably isn't a warhead. So a) why does the barrel's caliber matter for an energy weapon and b) how the hell can this two-person ship produce more energy than the main batteries of a capital ship? If you could power a doomsday weapon for this little dingy that's capable of fragging planets, why not put the same generators on a battleship for even more heinous firepower?
It's the little things that make this book worth hurling across the room.
Well, this is Lombar's (nameless) personal ship, and he's added so much armor to it that it's utterly invincible, if slower and shorter-ranged than normal. And he uses this awesome weapon to fly around at night and mess with traffic controllers by giving weird responses. And nobody has spotted him and asked why the Apparatus has a doomsday weapon on its hands and why its director is making prank calls with it.
Gris boards and takes the copilot's position, with Hisst invisible in the darkness of the cockpit. Lombar offers to show Gris something, and begins chatting amiably as they get into position. He explains how he found the leak that revealed Heller's incarceration to the press - he had someone follow a Knife Section agent, who was seen bumping into a reporter on the street, and even though they didn't exchange anything it was good enough for Hisst. He had the reporter kidnapped, and he denied everything until his wife was held hostage. When the journalist finally broke down and "confessed," Hisst had him, his wife, and the Apparatus agent he bumped into all executed. So there's that lingering lose end "settled," assuming you didn't imitate Gris and forget all about it.
They go on a little further, and Hisst recites some elementary black ops stuff about a successful revolution requiring a supply base beyond the existing regime's reach. Gris, he says, is now in charge of the Apparatus' base - Earth.
Gris finally recognizes that they're hovering over Palace City, visible only in its absence - you remember that place, right? With the black holes that move it forward in time so you can't attack it somehow? The place where physics slits its wrists and sinks back into a hot bathtub? And here, or rather above it, is where Hisst explains himself: the Lords in the Palace, and indeed the people on every planet in the Voltarian Confederacy, are all plotting against Hisst, waiting to kill him. So his only recourse is to take over the government and slaughter everyone; he's the only one smart enough and strong enough to do this, so it's practically his duty.
Don't worry, we're meant to think Hisst is insane. Even Gris can realize it... eventually.
The key to his coup, Hisst explains, is Earth. Or more accurately the drugs produced on Earth. Heroin, methamphetamine, all that good stuff - thanks to the Voltarians' super-advanced nervous systems, the drugs are five times more potent when consumed by them. So the Apparatus will keep feeding drugs into Voltarian society, until everyone is good and addicted and unable to resist the Apparatus takeover.
I'm serious, that's his master plan. World conquest through drug-dealing.
Hisst's rant continues; he curses Heller for almost blowing this whole scheme, but congratulates Gris for "setting him up" with the murderous Countess Krak. Then he gives Gris his plans for Mission Earth - Heller will be shadowed by two thugs at all times, though hopefully this won't be necessary. Because Heller's going to be given a very special cover identity.
See, there's a certain human on Earth who rose up from the gutters to take control of the planet, a businessman who controls the world's drug companies, finances, and governments, a person named Delbert John Rockecenter... seriously, Hubbard? Well, Heller is going to assume the identity of Delbert John Rockecenter Junior in hopes that he'll end up in an insane asylum. Because what are the odds that Heller, who has repeatedly proven his ability to win over people and defy the Apparatus' expectations, could use the identity as the son of the most powerful and well-connected man on Earth to foil the Apparatus' plots?
There's some other plans in motion - Tug One's crew consists of a bunch of "Antimancos," exiles from Manco who hate everyone on the planet, and who will certainly never get chummy with Heller. There are fighter crews ready to blast apart Tug One if it attempts to leave Earth or is used locally. As a last contingency, Gris is ordered to kill Heller if it looks like Mission Earth is getting out of control. And finally, if Gris screws up, someone is out there ready to kill him.
While Gris tries to keep control over his bladder, Lombar Hisst is suddenly excited, because he hears the sound again - a voice calling to him, saying "Lombar Hisst! Come be Emperor! The destiny of Voltar pleads for you to take the crown!" He's relieved that Gris was here to bear witness to his ordained destiny.
A conviction drove through me like a blastgun bolt. Like the pieces of a puzzle spinning about on a board and suddenly assembling, all my experience with Lombar Hisst and tonight came together in a single vivid fact. All the psychology textbook psychopathic symptoms of a paranoid schizophrenic, complete with megalomania and tonight, aural hallucinations, were there.
I was scared spitless!
Lombar Hisst was insane!
I was under the control of a complete lunatic!
And there was no possible way to escape it!
Yeah, now he puts the pieces together. The paranoia and bursts of violence and obsessive secretiveness and bitter jealousy and vicious manipulation and ruthlessness, that was all fine, but hearing voices? Ooooh, now we're in crazyland! ...Wait, if psychology told Gris this, are we to assume that he's wrong? Maybe Gris is the crazy one! Eat your heart out, M. Night Shyamalan.
To recap: the head of the Apparatus thinks that two people colliding on a sidewalk proves their collusion in a conspiracy against him. His own paranoia has convinced him to take over an empire and institute a reign of genocide. He thinks he can do this through the tactical application of cocaine.
It's nice to know that Gris isn't an outlier, and that everyone in the Apparatus, from the lowliest driver to the head of the agency itself, is an idiot who's terrible at his job.
So, question time: are we expected to take these guys seriously as a threat? This is a work of satire, remember, where Hubbard is expressing his scorn of his enemies, so maybe we're supposed to view the Apparatus as a bunch of incompetent goofballs. And yet Battlefield Earth featured villains displaying a similar level of stupidity and incompetence, and it wasn't labelled a satire or anything.
Guess we'll have to... ugh... read on and see what happens in later books, if the Apparatus makes any headway or if some more villainous group usurps them as the series' Big Bads.
Back to Chapter Four
The irony of L. Ron Hubbard writing about a paranoid manipulator...
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