The cover does not inspire confidence, hinting that a B-plot from two books ago is going to resurface and waste a hundred more pages in this volume.
We've got some sort of jaundiced, cone-headed ogre sitting in the center, and right away a lot of things go wrong. First, I'm forced to go all the way back to Book One to confirm that this is probably supposed to be an Antimanco privateer. That was the only place I could find a proper description for them beyond "Antimanco." For the most part it matches up - Gris described them as seven-foot, three-hundred pound, swarthy folk with triangular heads, but the "savage sort of jaw" is depicted here as a double chin, and I'm not sure where the solid red eyes came from.
The outfit is of course ridiculous, some sort of blue get-up whose pinstripes turn into metal studs around the feet, shoulders and stomach. The pointy green boots are a nice touch. And then there's the crate of cash and assorted jewelry. So we've got some sort of brutish extraterrestrial who's evidently been mugging people, which leads to the problem of how he plans on spending those greenbacks. So what, he's gonna stroll into town with that face and those boots to buy himself something nice? Or does Planet Voltar take US dollars?
And then we have a girl in an immodest red dress in a cage. So let's see, she could be the Countess Krak, or... Babe Corleone's been gone for at least books now, doubt it's her... which leaves... Mamie Boomp? The newly-nympho psychiatrist? Yeah, probably Krak. I tell ya, after all of that "solving problems" and "taking action on her own initiative," it's good to see her reduced to a proper distressed damsel.
You can't see in this image, but on the back cover there's an open hatch in the bottom of the room through which a commercial airliner can be seen, trailing smoke from its engines and with a hole in its top hull. So we've probably going to see a mid-air boarding courtesy of that line-jumper last used in the first third of Book Five. Like I said, Revenge of the B-Plots. We had a hundred or so pages last book of setting up a spore-producing factory to repair the atmosphere, that's enough main plot for a bit, eh?
The book jacket does something new... or rather, the one other hardcover Mission Earth volume I have didn't do this, blow half the space on an excerpt. It's a standard Hubbard Action Sequence where Gris and Raht in a helicopter yank Madison out of a moving car, which then "WENT OFF THE END OF THE PIER!" The rest is short "hooks" such as "A trained cat kidnaps the infamous Whiz Kid on national television," or "How does assassin Soltan Gris deal with a teenage nymphomaniac and a crazed PR genius?", to which the responses are 1) "assassin" implies training or competence when it comes to killing people, Gris has neither, 2) by having sex with her, and 3) badly.
Standard Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer, saying how the Crown has been "most lenient" in allowing this book to be published even though nothing in it is real and you the reader have much better things to be doing with your time than reading about "Earth."
Our friend 54 Charlee Nine, the Robotbrain in the Translatophone, returns for the Voltarian Translator's Preface, thanking us for having the courage to turn the page despite the Censor's advice to the contrary. He also feels sorry for us since our "scientists" keep telling us we're alone in the universe, even though we've got Voltarian neighbors just twenty-two light-years away. Who want to conquer us. Finally, he advises us to stop wondering where life came from, "because you didn't come from anywhere. That's a wrong road. Anywhere and anything comes from you. Chew on that for a while." With respect, 54 Charlee Nine, I'm not really comfortable with the idea that I had something to do with Mission Earth.
The book's Key is updated. Teenie's last name is evidently Whopper. She listed as "Teenager who kept seducing Gris." Pinch and Candy are still listed as lesbians, though, despite all that heterosexual interaction with Gris.
Finally, Part Fifty-Two opens with more of Gris' confessing, i.e. recapping the previous book for us. He spends all of one line referring to that nonsense with Torpedo the hitman by mentioning he'd arranged for "the murder of a nonperson," and doesn't so much as mention the real plot points in the first third of Death Quest - Heller setting up the atmosphere-healing factory, and Krak mind-raping enough people to set Heller up as Rockecenter's heir. No, instead Gris wants to talk about his marriage to Pinch and Candy, and Heller getting slandered by media allegations of polygamy. Then he rants that he's "just a bunch of stupid chemicals" who can't be held accountable for his actions, and why it's vital for people to believe this.
Why, the next thing you know, people would be causing things! They wouldn't ask psychiatrists for opinions anymore! They'd believe they could make up their own minds! Authorities would be taken off government welfare and they'd have to get jobs just like everyone else! People wouldn't read Madison's newspapers anymore!
They'd see that it's all been a giant scam!
My Gods, that's dangerous!
Declare them insane! Stamp them out! Crush them! Kill them! Kill them all! KILL! KILL!! KILL!!!
Whew! There.
I feel better.
Where was I?
This "letter" is supposed to convince the judge to go easy on him, remember.
There's a bit about Teenie, of course, and then Heller getting put on a yacht and Krak going after the fake Whiz Kid's fake wives. Gris spends the last lines of the introduction reminding us that he'd gotten Dr. Crobe installed as a psychologist, which leads us nicely into our first chapter. Voyage of Vengeance isn't going to waste any time getting to the good stuff, oh no.
Back to Part Fifty-One, Chapter Six
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