Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Part Seventy-Seven, Chapters Six and Seven - The Return of the Crobe

Madison finds Crobe splayed out on his own operating table, the smell of old blood and rotting flesh hitting him "like a club."  Captain Snelz has to hit the guy with a space cattle prod a few times to wake Crobe up, and it's then that Madison recognizes him - "Too long a nose, too long in limb, weirdly misshapen" - as a doctor from Bellevue.

But Crobe refuses to leave, stating he's too busy with a project involving bottles and pans, which Madison realizes is a little LSD lab. 

He had suspected it the moment he had taken a close look at Crobe's eyes.  Many a psychiatrist and psychologist augmented his income by making LSD in his kitchen and spreading it around.  And Crobe had been so industrious he had enough there to knock out a billion people: it only took one one-hundred-thousandth of a microgram to produce a full-blown trip.

I'm not sure whether that's the dosage for a human or Voltarian, and don't care.  Madison assures Crobe that he can bring the "cookout" along, and he's a huuuge fan of the LSD.  Snelz is shocked that Crobe is willing to leave and intently following the cart o' drugs, and concludes that magnets must be involved.  Guess Monte interviewed Snelz at some point too.

And that's all three and a half pages of Chapter Six, which ends with Madison aglow.

He not only had his data, he also had a real Bellevue-trained psychiatrist.  And there was a terrific bonus: he had gallons of LSD!

He couldn't possibly lose!

You still haven't explained why Madison needs a real Bellevue-trained psychiatrist, Hubbard.

He could follow the American Psychiatric Affiliates caper right here on Voltar.  He didn't even have to dream anything up!  It had all been done and proven utterly before.  Earth ran on it, right this minute.  Pure perfection!

Yeah, we know.  You told us last chapter.  And many times before.  Earth sure is under the control of psychiatry.  It's the perfect con.  Yep.

The stepping stones were leading him right up to Heller!  Oh, it would be no swift thing.  But it was sure and it was certain that he would succeed.

A feeling of power surged through him.

Maybe he's gonna get all the publishers on LSD, so they'll have to print his stories if they want their drugs?  Wait, then we'd be using the same plot twice in the same story.

Chapter Seven is mostly a summation of things that happened over a timeskip, days that were a "blur of activity for Madison."  He gets people to bathe Crobe until he isn't stinky.  He picks out a wardrobe for him and the dancing girls he recruited.  He buys some flying limos.  He makes another Homeview clip for Lombar.  He gets in touch with the Provocation Section.  He gives Teenie some critical instructions.  It's really confusing why this bunch of alternatively trivial and plot-relevant activity is glossed over given all the time we've wasted in this book alone on dead-end subplots and pointless diversions, but maybe the author was getting as tired of writing it as we've been of reading it.

The only real scene we get is Madison paying a visit to Teenie's Island Paradise (Not a Military Stronghold).   The place has been tidied up since Too-Too used a new kiss on Lord Endow, and Teenie's up in a music salon - topless, of course - lamenting how stupid her students are.

She gives a signal, a maid dressed up like a noblewoman ambles onto a stage, and then at a second signal one of the island's officers is released.  He immediately jumps on the woman, tears off her clothes, and is in the process of forcing her legs open when Teenie aborts the exercise... which fails, so that other soldiers have to drag him "out of and off the maid."  The soldier in this scenario is supposed to be polite before making his indecent proposal, but they all seem intent on raping their female fellow students as soon as possible.

Madison conjectures that what with the shock collars and all, maybe Queen Hora conditioned this men to be lusty beasts, and Teenie agrees - "Queen Hora wanted to be hit and stripped and raped!"  So she signs a Royal proclamation to circulate among the islanders, changing their programming from "rape" to "not rape."  Because that makes it more official, see, than her, the Queen, telling them to their face "don't rape this woman."  It isn't legal until a herald reads it off at the top of his lungs.  And they won't not rape someone unless that's what the law requires.

Teenie then asks how the PR is going, Madison says it'll take a few more weeks for him to be in business and a few more months to get Gris into her evil clutches, and asks permission to take some pictures of the place.  She recommends he get some photos of her dungeons to keep as an incentive.  End chapter.

So, to recap what was largely in itself a recap: Madison got Crobe and some LSD, did some plot-relevant stuff not important enough to be included in the story, watched some degenerate alien sex fiends, and announced that there's still no end in sight.  But we're PRing, I guess!  Advancing the main plot!  It's boring and stupid, but we should expect that by now.

Tune in next time for the start of the PR War!  Maybe we'll even learn why Madison needed psychiatry to do his job, eh?

Back to Chapters Four and Five

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