We skip to eight hours later, with Gris neatly summarizing the night's transactions and heaping praise upon the wonderful Swiss people. "In financial and related matters, Switzerland spells service with a capital bow."
The relevant stuff: Gris' gold was valued at $257,601,187.00, which at ten percent interest is of course over twenty-five million a year. Rather than taking a load of cash, Gris exchanged it for $18,000 up front and 515 bank certificates that can be cashed for a half million dollars each in any affiliated bank chain, and which will continue to earn interest until they're used. So Gris is at long last wealthy, and has been paid in easy-to-hide IOUs rather than enough dollar bills to risk depleting Zurich's stock of cash.
The first thing he buys is a thousand bucks' worth of junk stones... yeah. But he assures us, they're "vital to my plans."
Next chapter Gris' plane lands in Turkey, and he swaggers around pushing aside the unimportant peasants crowding his personal space. He walks "like a conqueror across the tile floor" into the office of a Mudur Zengin, "czar" of Turkey's largest bank chain. Once again, vast riches get Gris preferential treatment as he sets up a two-keyed, maximum security safe-deposit box, then asks to cash one of his certificates. After this, Gris confides that he owes a few credit card companies some money, and Mr. Zengin offers his "professional guidance."
And so the two of them travel around Istanbul visiting the local branches of - prepare for some hilarious satire! - American Oppress, Dunner's Club, Masker-Charge, Start Blanching, and more companies. Each time the managers scream at Gris and refuse to cancel his card,and each time Mr. Zengin smoothly whispers into the manager's ear to defuse the situation.
And it's only when there's one card left, after they've visited at least four companies, that Gris thinks to ask "What are you telling them?"
Well, Mr. Zengin has told all these credit card agencies that he's setting up a bills-paying account at his bank. "You should not bother yourself with these trifles. All you have to do is put half a million in the account and they will send their bills to it and the bank will pay. They will never come near you again." And Gris is thrilled, and laughs to himself that he'll never see those "dogs" again, since he plans to never use a credit card ever again.
Except Zengin hasn't actually cancelled anything, has he? He's just set up a payment system. So if, say, Utanc decided to go on another spending spree, Gris would just keep on losing money. And the credit cards would probably send him a statement or something he wouldn't read, and then he'd find out two books later that all his money has been spent.
My other theory is that those Antimanco pirates will get tired of waiting for Gris to finish planning their "heist" and rob the bank where, in a hilarious coincidence, Gris is keeping all his money. Or IOUs, as the case may be.
The last credit card is of course Squeeza, the one with the 100% monthly delinquency penalty. Gris can't cancel (or not-quite-cancel) this one because Krak is using it after he gave her the impression it's an Unlimited Money Card. And sure enough, the manager warmly greets Gris with details of how his "concubine" has been buying like mad. Gris tries to use Zengin's special account plan, but Squeeza is different - as a Rockecenter holding, it has a mission to do "a proper job of world reform, teaching the lessons of slavery and thrift."
Now you might be wondering if Gris might try to use his influence as the Rockecenter family "spi" to possibly get out of this, but the thought never occurs to him. Instead he takes a brief break from being horrified and intimidated to sing the praises of the book's secondary villainous organization for being "run so efficiently!" Remember, if Gris likes something, it must be bad. And Gris will continue to like these bad groups even when they're currently screwing him over, or in the case of Miss Pinch torturing him for three nights in a row.
The Squeeza guy asks for one of Gris' bank certificates as collateral and agrees to not charge any penalties or foreclose the villa ("unless delinquency exceeds it in any quarter"). On Mr. Zengin's advice Gris accepts the deal, and wouldn't you know it but the Squeeza guy already has a contract written up? Gris does find some small print stipulating that his certificate would be claimed if a delinquency occurred at any quarter, but finds no alternative to signing it.
Squeeza guy reminds Gris that they only accept payments in person at their New York headquarters, so that customers may "come in and fawn at the door monthly." Gris flees, relieved to be done with the whole experience.
Thank Gods, including Allah, I had the credit companies off my neck!
A subtle reminder that the narrator doesn't speak English as a first language, or another mangled line by the author? You decide.
And there were changes still to come. Gods help those who had been badgering me and tormenting me. Money is POWER and revenge is sweet! They would suffer far more than they had made me suffer. Including Krak and Heller!
So Gris' finances are, ah, settled, in a surprisingly short amount of time, too. So now we can look forward to several chapters of Gris cunningly and cannily using his money to great advantage, weaving a sinister web around his foes to oh jeez I can't type this with a straight face.
Back to Part Thirty-Seven, Chapter Seven
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