Following the complex signs, Heller negotiated the various confusions the traffic departments of that area planned in order to prevent Americans from ever getting to their seat of government. He refused invitations to use State Highway 236, to go over to U.S. 66, to take State 123 and wind up in the Potomac River. He ignored directions to take U.S. 495--which is really U.S. 95 and bypasses Washington entirely. He even defeated the conspiracy to confuse the public on U.S. 29 to believe they were on U.S. 50. He steadfastedly rolled along on U.S. 29, even untangled the parkways alongside the Potomac River without winding up at the Pentagon--as most unsuspecting public do--and presently was rolling over the Memorial Bridge. A masterpiece of navigation that he shouldn't be doing any part of!
Okay, "good" may be a relative term. Yes, it could've been better-written, but it's vaguely clever and somewhat entertaining. It's dry and wry rather than frothing with hatred and paranoia. You could almost imagine Douglas Adams writing it... on a bad day, without an editor or any proofreading.
So after this feat of navigation by a man who started driving last night and who has never been in this country before, Heller has to pull over because Mary's flailing around crying about heart pains and how badly she needs a fix. They stop in a park that Gris immediately recognizes as one the CIA sends newbie agents to practice being inconspicuous in, where Heller gets some water from the drinking fountains to try to rouse Mary from her coma. He's able to get her to drink some, which she immediately throws up. And a mounted National Park policeman takes an interest in the bullet hole in Heller's license plate. Dun-duh-duhn.
So is it illegal to have speed holes in your car like that? Like an arrestable offense for someone else to shoot up your car? That seems lame. And probably unenforceable in certain trigger-happy and varmint-heavy states.
The mounted cop has a yelled conversation with his radio, demanding that a squad car get sent down because he doesn't want to scare his horse if there's any gunplay. So in due time a cop car shows up, they call in the plate number, and in a flash the officers are advancing on Heller - who is crouched next to Mary, trying to get her to drink some more - with their weapons drawn, demanding that he get on the ground.
Heller is polite and compliant, while the police demand to see his license. Mary is just conscious enough to shout that it's her car and she has a license, and stupid enough to also shout about how badly she needs a fix. The police are delighted that they've got a "hop-head" to deal with, and eagerly paw through the pair's luggage. Heller's tangle of fishing lines and hooks dissuades them from inspecting one case too closely, and they're really disappointed when the bags of candy they find in the other don't have any cocaine or anything hidden among the peppermints. One cop is smart enough to realize that if these criminal scum had any drugs on them, Mary wouldn't be yelling about needing a fix.
They do find Mary's needles and other drug paraphernalia, but it's all empty and she has a doctor's degree, so they're forced to announce that the pair's clean. Heller starts to help Mary back into the car, but then the FBI shows up. Wearing "gangster-style" hats. And so I must take a short break, massaging my aching head.
There's a fanfiction term, "pepperjack," derived from a Harry Potter 'fic in which Hermione Granger had a sudden affection for pepperjack cheese. The stuff isn't widely known in England to my knowledge, and it certainly doesn't appear in canon, but the author of the 'fic liked it so Hermione liked it too.
Here's Mission Earth. Soltan Gris is an alien who rather likes the lifestyle he can live on Earth, and gravitates towards old Capone-era mobster tales. He gets a pass. But now the Federal Bureau of Investigation is putting on gangster hats, and they have no such excuse.
Maybe this is just a quirk of the narrator. Maybe Gris is so enthralled with gangsters that any hat he sees is a gangster hat. Yeah, that's it.
These "tough-looking characters" introduce themselves as Special Agent Stupewitz ("puffy face and a sagging lower lip") and Special Agent Maulin ("a huge, hulking brute of a man"). They've been in touch with the Virginian authorities pursuing Heller and declare that this is a federal case now. Heller's ordered to stand up and put his hands on the car while the agents frisk them. They're quite irate when he takes Mary's advice and doesn't give them his name, but then they find the birth certificate and other papers in his pocket. The FBI guys get all quiet, stepping away to have a whispered conversation.
And Gris' magical audio receivers implanted in Heller's skull? They can hear the birds, a distant ambulance, the wind in the trees, but even on maximum gain they can't hear two people talking a few feet away. The agents are even "using their lips the way criminals do, talking from the side of the mouth" so he can't lip read what they're saying. Oh, and THE FBI IS A BUNCH OF CRIMINAL SCUM in case you haven't picked up on that yet.
The ambulance arrives for Mary, and she offers a weak "So long, kid" as she's loaded up. The EMTs assure Heller that no, they're not going to kill her, then have a quick word with an agent before driving off. One agent drives the Cadillac to the FBI garage (eliciting the same big "NO!" that Mary's departure got from Heller), and then Heller's helped into the other agent's car while Gris frets and panics.
The jaws of the Federal Bureau of Investigation had closed on Jettero Heller. And the worst of it was, typically, they didn't even realize they had the fate of the planet between their vicious teeth! Stupid (bleepards)!
So wait, what was the significance of parking in a CIA starting zone if they never got involved and it was an ordinary mounted cop that found Heller? Why was the cop's first instinct to stare at his car rather than check on the passed-out or vomiting girl? Were there no other civilians around to offer assistance? How'd the FBI know to - screw it.
Chapters without anyone commenting on Heller's stupid clothes: 8. I was seriously not expecting this gag to keep going as long as it has, but Hubbard just won't act on his own damned plot points.
Back to Chapter One
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