After his near-breakdown upon learning that he has to keep his nemesis alive, Gris turns on the HellerVision that afternoon (morning Virginia time) to fret and watch helplessly, instead of sending a message or trying to retrieve Heller or taking an active role in his fate. Heller gets up and showers, and there's no indication that Gris is repulsed or stops watching or anything. Given the author's portrayal of homosexuality so far, I think this is accidental. Hubbard probably forgot for a moment that his narrator was also a character in the story.
Heller has just that one outfit, which Gris describes again, but I won't. Mary's still sleeping, so Heller ventures out of the hotel and into a nearby diner, where he orders a #1 breakfast without knowing what anything on the menu is. And there he has an interesting encounter with a matronly waitress. The woman refuses to give the apparent 17-year-old coffee since it'll stunt his growth, makes sure he finishes his oatmeal, and even organizes his wallet for him so that he doesn't get mugged.
And none of it is actually depicted in the story. Instead we get a long paragraph summarizing it in slightly more detail than I just did. An amiable encounter between an out-of-his-league alien and a good-natured native seems like something you'd, I dunno, devote some dialogue to. Maybe even spend a whole chapter on it. Instead, most of this chapter is about Heller buying clothes.
Well, his first attempt to get a new wardrobe is a failure since nothing fits him - apparently Virginian tailors aren't prepared for someone over six feet tall. So instead Heller hits a "hock shop," a store "where the Virginians sell the things they steal off tourists." And I have to take a moment to wonder what Virginia did to anger Hubbard so.
Heller buys some pretty random junk - a pair of Niko 8mm cameras, broken deep-sea fishing lines, radio/cassette players - gets it all bagged, and moves on. He "right-angled" into a sporting goods store and is immediately enraptured with some steel-spiked cleats, which the clerk tells him are surplus from the local high school's baseball team. This leads to Heller - who you may remember is also a star "bullet ball" player - throwing a baseball into an archery target with enough force to rip right through it and tear off the ball's hide. The clerk gushes that he's a natural pitcher and hopes that he'll be able to show off the broken target once Heller signs onto a Major League team.
I have a sudden, terrible premonition.
Heller picks up beginner's guides to baseball and fishing, then buys a lot of baseball-related clothing, including an actual striped pitcher's outfit. He also finds some baseball caps, which bear a resemblance to that "racing cap" he wore back on Voltar, and happen to be initialed J. H. after the local school, Jackson High. Not J. H. S. for Jackson High School, mind you, that wouldn't make this bit work. Heller orders a half-dozen of the caps. As he leaves the clerk complains that he didn't get his name, to which Heller replies "You'll hear."
So Heller walks out of the store with his little red cap on, still wearing his horribly-clashing striped clothes, the metal spikes on his new shoes clankity-clanking down the sidewalk. His next stop turns out to be a candy store, where the presence of kids in baseball caps leads Gris to realize that Heller's new hat, combined with his already-youthful appearance, will "mind-associate in people" that he's even younger than he looks. I mind-think that "mind-associate" is a stupid phrase.
One inside, Heller buys ten pounds of candy, including plenty of peppermints. Gris, who is an imbecile, doesn't make a connection between this baffling purchase and Heller's bout of candy-making back in Turkey. In fact, Gris doesn't spend much thought wondering what Heller plans on doing with a bunch of obsolete electronics and broken fishing equipment, either.
Gris does complain that Heller still stands out like a beacon, more so now with his clanking cleats and blazing red cap. And yet not a single person in this wretched story has commented on Heller's clothing. The most that happens is that two policemen turn to look at him as he clambers past a parked police car, but they don't get out and chase him or anything. So, Hubbard - if these clothes have absolutely no effect on the story, why are you making such a big deal out of them? It's your plot point, aren't you going to do something with it?
Chapters without anyone commenting on Heller's stupid clothes: 6
Back to Part Fourteen, Chapter Six
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