Part Sixteen, Chapter Four - Crazy Taxi

So, once Mortie Massacurovitch... oh, like massacre as a Russian surname.  How droll.  Anyway, once Mortie's off-duty he takes "Clyde Barrow" to his company's garage, or "barn."  His chosen vehicle is what Gris calls the "remains of a cab," a blocky old car with real steel fenders and, somehow, bulletproof glass.  Mortie checks the fluids, Heller gets in the passenger seat, and then they're off to terrorize innocent New York motorists and pedestrians alike.  The cabbie dives right into the traffic on Grand Central Avenue, which "was THICK!  And fast!"

The chapter consists of six pages of mainly "comical" automotive shenanigans, of screeching tires and battered bumpers coupled with playful bouts of reckless endangerment and unnecessary property damage.  Mortie's lessons are:

• "People are basically yellow.  They always give up before you do.  So that leaves you a very wide scope."
• Use your squealing brakes to get people's attention, "because honking was [sic] frowned upon."
• Use skids to spook your fellow motorists, allowing you to take his place in line when he slams the brakes.
• Speeding behind ambulances or fire engines is fair game, "but setting a fire ahead to get the engines to run is frowned upon."
• If stopped by a police officer, wait until they reach your door, then whisper "'Run for your life.  This fare is holding a gun on me.'  And the cop will beat it every time!"
• Try to insult other drivers until they get out of their car to fight you, so you can speed ahead and take their place in line.
• You don't need to sideswipe limos, they're particularly cowardly and will get out of your way at but a gesture.
• You can go down one-way streets the wrong way if you do so in reverse, because you're "pointed in the right direction so it ain't illegal."
• If you hit the sidewalk at the right angle, you will do a "curb bounce" and sideswipe a rival with extra force.

Mortie also shows Heller how to take off people's open car doors.  I'm not sure how this helps him learn to drive, but presumably Hubbard thinks it's funny.  There's also another bit where they take a break at a cabbie bar and Heller tries to order a beer but is scolded for being too young (-looking) and has to make due with a milk.  This is what, the third time this has happened?  And Heller still hasn't caught on?  And Hubbard keeps repeating the gag?  We know he looks young, Hubbard, you've done a great job of driving that fact into our skulls.  We don't know why it's so important, but we get it.

There is something more to the chapter than shattered windshields and screaming victims - Mortie notices another cab following them at one point, though he manages to shake it quickly.  But when he turns the wheel over to Heller to give him a go at it, their tail is back, firing bullets!  Mortie yells that "Somebody is breaking the firearms law!" and tells Heller to floor it.

The climax takes place near the West Side Elevated Highway, where traffic is inexplicably light so Heller can pull his next stunt.  With the enemy cab in hot pursuit, Heller abruptly pulls a sharp turn that nearly sends him over the guardrails, backs up, and when the attacking cab tries to slip by ahead of him, Heller rams it over the guardrail and down a fifty foot drop to the street below.

This is pretty stupid, of course.  The other car saw its target come to a dead stop sitting perpendicular to the road.  The enemy clearly has firearms, and Heller presented it with a lovely, stationary target unable to dodge with any speed due to its positioning.  Tactically, it's a terrible idea, almost as bad as the pursuing cab's utterly inexplicable decision to try to squeeze past Heller.  What was the next step, Other Cab?  Why were you trying to get past your target?  Could you not stop in time?  Did you not react to what your target was doing?  It never occurred to you to hit the brakes?

It's such a dumb move, in fact, that you may be able to guess who's trying to kill Heller.


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Forward to Chapter Five