Part Fifteen, Chapter Seven - Breakfast, More Driving, and an Obituary

I had to go back and do some careful rereading to figure out what's happening, or rather what isn't happening.  Heller wasn't picked up by anybody in the motel last chapter.  This is because the rendezvous that Mr. Bury set up for him was for the following night, a four hour drive away in a place just outside Newark.  So whatever Mr. Bury has in store for Heller, he isn't in a particular hurry to make it happen, and is relying on Heller's willingness to stick to a schedule and show up for his murder/pick-up.

Oy.

Anyway, it's the next morning and Heller still hasn't been assassinated, though Gris is "unconfident" that he'll stay that way for long.  When Gris pops on the HellerVision he finds his nemesis in the shower having a wash.  Gris eats his breakfast while continuing to watch Heller bathe, and despite the Apparatus agent's disdain for homosexuals, he shows no discomfort at presumably getting a first-hand look at Heller's man-parts.  The most irritation he expresses is over the Fleet officer's "passion for cleanliness," even while he watches Heller pull on his underpants.  Apparently Gris showers only rarely despite the Turkish heat, because bad guys are filthy people while good guys are immaculate and have great teeth.

There's the usual "Heller being stupid by not checking his luggage for bombs" and "Heller being stupid by not looking around corners" commentary as the book's hero leaves his room, and then we get to watch Heller eat his breakfast - an ice cream sundae, five plates of waffles, and three cups of coffee, extra sugar.  Now I'm looking forward to a diabetic Heller in book six.

During the meal, there's some important information gleaned from the young waitress - Heller asks about the old lady from last night and learns that she was a temporary worker who left this morning, and also mentions the fuse, which the waitress reveals didn't blow, but was pulled by someone outside. Let's tuck these tidbits away for future reference.

Blah blah blah, Gris complaining about Raht and Terb not insisting on bringing a two-way transmitter even though apparently such essential devices are deemed illegal by Voltarian intelligence agencies... Heller brushes his teeth with a Voltarian "spin brush," another possible Code break... Heller not checking his car for bombs... Heller gets on the interstate...

We're supposed to be on the edge of our seats, worrying whether our beloved hero is about to be whacked, instead of being bored out of our minds.

Heller turns out to be an idiot with no semblance of safe driving skills despite being a fully-rated pilot.  He's so impressed by a bunch of caged chickens on the back of a truck that he tailgates and nearly sideswipes the vehicle so he can gawk.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Gris enjoy shooting songbirds back on Voltar?  And I'm not going to check, but didn't somebody order some poultry at the Artists' Club?  Voltar obviously has winged, feathered avians, so why is Heller so impressed by chickens?

It's intended to be humor, except for it to work you have to ignore what's already been written, or change the hero from a naive, somewhat innocent man into a blistering idiot.

More evidence for the "idiot" interpretation arrives when Heller comes to a dead stop on the Delaware River Bridge, causing a semi to skid sideways and block all four lanes.  Heller is oblivious as he looks down at the Delaware River, muttering "Holy jumping blastguns!" in Voltarian.  He asks an enraged driver if there's a city upriver, is informed that Philadelphia is nearby, and concludes that the Delaware is the city's sewer system.

I had to do some research, but it sounds like the Delaware has had a reputation for being a particularly polluted river, but also that starting in the '60s the federal government - the evil, freedom-hating federal government - went through a lot of effort to clean it up.  I'm not sure how far along the process was during the early 80s, but nowadays the water quality's improved enough for bald eagles to feel comfortable eating fish from it.

Anyway, back to the boring and stupid chapter.  Heller's still driving, tailgating behind an orange truck as if the fragrance will help... rolls down windows and starts sneezing from the New Jersey pollution... I guess the slums and ghettos of Voltar are very clean slums and ghettos, and the grimy industrial sectors where they transmute lead into gold are easy on the sinuses.

Wait, Heller's doing something!  "I better get busy," he says to himself, before suddenly accelerating to ninety miles per hour, breaking past the orange trucks and zipping along for several miles!  Then he... slows down to pay a toll, and parks by an exit ramp out of sight.  Ah, he's waiting for someone!  Going to watch the road, see if anybody's following him, and - why is he getting out a newspaper?  Why would you take your attention away from the road to read a newspaper if you're trying to catch someone following you?

Obviously, the author has some vital information to convey through the article Heller's staring at.

REVERED REPORTER RUBBED

MUCKY HACK DOES HIS LAST SPREAD

Mucky Hack, veteran investigative reporter and crime exposer of the Daily Libel, was splattered all over 34th Street last night when his specially built Mercedes-Benz Phaeton was rigged for a blitz that went BOOM!

The car was worth $89,000 according to Boyd's, the only underwriters who would touch it.  It was alleged to be a gift from the I. G. Barben Pharmaceutical Group.  Car fans will miss 

I can't go on.  "Mucky Hack?!"  The Daily Libel?!  This is just juvenile, crap that wouldn't fit MAD Magazine's standards.  Hubbard calls it "satire."

The gist of it is - Mr. Hack (age unlisted) was killed in a car bombing that, according to Police Inspector Bulldog Grafferty (what?), bears the unmistakable handiwork of the Corleone mob family's demolition expert, Bang-Bang Rimbombo (WHAT?).  The police are well-aware that the late Mr. Hack was an enemy of the Corleones, who are currently led by the "able and charming" Babe Corleone, the late "Holy Joe"'s girlfriend, but since Bang-Bang (seriously, WHAT?) was still in jail at the time of the bombing, he has not been arrested and the case is closed.

The good inspector also tells us, apropos of nothing, that the Corleones, who refuse to push drugs, are losing territory to mobsters under Faustino "the Noose" Narcotici.  And suddenly I know that Heller will end up allying with the Corleones, because murder and graft and prostitution and racketeering and everything are not nearly as evil as the sale of recreational pharmaceuticals.

"Mucky Hack is survived by his editor and an old Ford."

Well... we certainly learned something from that newspaper, didn't we?  Now we just need to ask why the author thought that the best way to relay this information was by having his hero distract himself with a newsheet while trying to carefully watch the road for pursuit.

That's what Heller's doing, of course - even Gris recognizes the Fleet tactic of racing ahead to set an ambush for pursuers (though he's more interested in the Bugs Bunny cartoon in the paper).  Heller concludes "No Slinkerton!" and gets back on the road, reading the paper while he weaves through traffic because he is Just That Good.  He's on a strange new planet driving an unfamiliar vehicle through unexplored territory but he still wants to read the bloody paper while doing so.


Back to Chapter Six 

Forward to Chapter Eight