Now, Gris started watching HellerVision at around 4:00 in the afternoon. His scheduled five minutes with Utanc starts at 9:00. But there's nothing between him tossing a blanket over the viewer and climbing into bed in anticipation of Sexy Time. So I guess he sat there watching Heller make fake IDs for five hours straight.
Anyway, on to Soltan Gris' Sex Life. The lights are out (at Utanc's insistence), and she comes in and lays down next to Gris, fully clothed as usual. Gris takes her hand, guides it, and Utanc immediately freaks out. First she's not convinced that he hasn't slipped on a "falsie," and then she's furious with him for going from "so God (bleeped) small nobody can even find it!" to "so God (bleeped) big nobody could get it into anything!" And she lies there next to him with a glow-in-the-dark wristwatch, counting down the minutes until she can leave with her credit cards intact.
Gris begs her to reconsider, that maybe an attitude adjustment is all she needs to appreciate his oversized appendage, but the five minutes elapses, Utanc shoves the watch in Gris' face so he knows it, and she leaves in a huff.
"Listen, you (bleepard). I am tired of your tricks! One minute you couldn't even please a flea and the next minute you would wreck a camel! I am going to my room now and don't you bother me again until you decide to be more NORMAL!"
In case any men out there are wondering if bigger is indeed better, remember that you can fit a cigar in more places than you can a baseball bat.
So Gris lies there, seething with unfulfilled lust, until he remembers that he bugged Utanc's room. Hoping to catch her sobbing with remorse, he instead listens to her wake up her "little dears," put on some music and sing, followed by a lot of happy noises. And the chapter ends with Gris aching with "unsatisfied desire! All centralized in a very sensitive place!"
Given the content of this chapter, let us once again ponder at the (bleep)ing of the curse words as opposed to all the other things in these books that we could censor.
Back to Chapter Two