Gris goes to Boyd's of London's US office to get Torpedo's insurance. This is of course a parody of Lloyd's of London, which got into trouble for being a tax haven and setting up cartels and whatnot. Rather than engage in a meaningful satire of the company's ups and downs in the wild world of insurance, Hubbard instead goes with less than a page of Gris haggling over his rate for "hit man insurance" with a nameless agent, who establishes his Britishness with an "eh, what?" and an "old chap." The important thing is that Gris gets a policy to give to Torpedo to give to his momma.
He does this very spy-like, writing a note with instructions for the hitman to get to Hairytown with his rifle and whack the people in an old-fashioned orange cab. Gris uses a special envelope with "Apparatus self-destruct paper. You write on it and then spray it lightly and then ten hours after it is opened it simply evaporates. No evidence." Then he goes by Dr. Finkelbaum's waiting room, sticks the note in a magazine, and casually leaves the periodical in the chair next to Torpedo. You might ask why the cloak-and-dagger is necessary if you can legally purchase insurance for hired killers, but then you may as well wonder what's in the spray Gris used to evaporate that paper, if it works on other substances, or why it doesn't evaporate the bottle it comes in.
With his message passed on successfully, Gris concludes that Krak will soon be dead and gets out his viewscreen to watch. But Krak and Bang-Bang haven't quite arrived at Hairytown yet, and Krak is trying to get Bang-Bang to take the cab "off this bumpy cart track and fly it." See, the Countess hasn't figured out that the difference between the cab (the thing with wheels) and helicopters (the things with whirlygigs on their tops) she's seen flying about, and puts Bang-Bang's refusal to take to the sky down to his fear of the police, who she promises to "fix" if they try and stop him.
I guess this is supposed to be the endearing confusion of a stranger in a strange land, rather than someone failing basic observations and threatening to mind-rape her way out of any difficulties. You gotta wonder why she didn't just mind-control Bang-Bang into doing what she wanted instead of wasting time driving around to mind-control others.
They reach Hairytown, which is a total void. There is no description of architecture or scenery, other than Gris noting how the place is "perfect sniper country: open and unobstructed" at the end of the chapter. Buildings exist only as signs advertising their function and the person inside, without any merchandise or frontage or anything. Street names exist, but there's nothing else on them worth mentioning. When Krak decides to ask for directions, Bang-Bang is immediately able to pull over, Krak reads the building's sign, and then she passes from the car to the interior without encountering anything in between. It's almost surreal.
The first shop they try is an antiques dealer, but when Krak says she's "supposed to be from around here" and wants to talk to Miss Agnes, the salesman turns his back on her, spits on the floor, and walks out. They try a sign painter, but she can't believe a "beautiful girl" like Krak would need to see a psychiatrist in general and "that God (bleeped) shrink in particular!" and refuses to give Krak the address. Krak notices that they're near Pokantickle "palace" and wants to try the direct approach, but Bang-Bang instead decides to try a service station.
This guy, "a hard-beaten, grease-spattered, service station manager type" - you know the kind I mean - listens to them ask about a Miss Agnes, corrects them by saying they mean Dr. Morelay, and then assumes that they're here about the woman's "land yacht." Without waiting for confirmation, the manager goes on to advise them to step lightly around Miss Agnes, since "She's a power in this area and can have you held under the insanity laws by just snapping her fingers," and on top of that they "have to be careful of her because of him," referring of course to the emperor of the planet.
And he tells these strangers - who were uncomfortably casual when referring to a dangerous woman but didn't know where she lived and never said what they wanted from her - how to get the "Morelay Estate." That's nice of him.
Gris ends the chapter gloating about how sniper-friendly the terrain is, as previously mentioned. I guess a featureless plane of roads and the rare signpost would be a pretty good shooting range. Probably hard to find cover to shoot from, though.
Back to Part Forty-Four, Chapter Eight
Monday, January 21, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Part Forty-Four, Chapter Eight - The Unimaginative Sequel to the Previous Adventure
Chapter Eight is Chapter Seven with the names changed.
There's a brief bit at the beginning of Gris going to the hospital to pay Torpedo's $5,100 bill and get him released from security, after which he orders the clerk to send the hitman back to Dr. Finkelbaum. Then he continues on to Boyd's of London to get that "hit man insurance." While riding the bus, he tunes in to Krak's activities on the portable viewscreen.
Bang-Bang's already driven them to the ROTC offices at Empire University. Colonel Tanc is described as "a military martinet, stiff as starch." I had to look up "martinet." The colonel apparently has nothing but contempt for the students playing at soldiers, and Bang-Bang once again tries to talk the Countess out of trying to reason with him, as though she hadn't just miraculously convinced Bang-Bang's equally antagonistic parole officer to cooperate with her wishes.
Then Hubbard breaks my mind again.
Wikipedia sez Hitchcock's first color film was Rope in 1948.
Maybe I'm just ignorant. Maybe there was an explosion of interest in Humphrey Bogart (died 1957) and his contemporaries in the late 70's/early 80's. Maybe everyone from cab drivers to inner-city African-American women to sleazy space aliens were into classic Hitchcock movies. Maybe this isn't really, really bizarre.
Moving on... Krak writes up a request for leave on behalf of Jerome Terrace Wister, and puts it in an envelope along with a small glass bubble. Gris immediately wonders if Krak's making a mail bomb, which would imply that either Voltarian explosives can look like small, transparent bubbles, or Gris is a thundering idiot.
When Krak steps into the office of Colonel Panzer, who is of course surrounded by flags and cannon shells, she crushes the sphere in the envelope as she uses the Magician's Forcer Gesture to make the man grab it. She introduces herself as Wister's sister, asking for some leave time on his behalf, since their "poor, dear grandmother lies dying in Sleepy Hollow, ready to leave him a million bucks if he avoids the wolf and comes out of the woods in time with a basket of lunch on his arm."
Hubbard's attacks on my brain this chapter: 2.
Krak also adds that if the colonel refuses, she won't dance at him at the regimental ball. And Colonel Armored Fighting Vehicle, who is now flushed and staring at Krak with a "strange look of pleasure," hastens to sign the leave request. But as she tries to leave he lunges at her, crying "Come with me to my room, my little pigeon!" Krak ends up chased out of the office by the colonel and a sergeant, until she leaps into Bang-Bang's cab and they speed out.
Ha! Your attack has no effect, Hubbard! I'm too busy trying to figure out why some gerunds are -ings and others are -in's, even though they're said by the same person.
This time Krak used "An emotional stimulator perfume capsule. Crush in contact with paper or cloth and avoid. Causes a person to become amorous so that he can be arrested for making improper advances." Good thing this evidently only works on males. And her targets hadn't been turned by Psychiatric Birth Control.
Bang-Bang asks what Krak did to get such results, Krak orders him to take her to Hairytown... which sounds like a terrible innuendo, eww. Bang-Bang goes along with this dangerous plan because gosh he can't say no to such a beautiful woman. And the black ladies on the bus with Gris have to get off at their stop, but say they'll be sure to catch the end of the show, because they love the part when the girl gets killed. "So will I!" Gris says to himself grimly.
Meanwhile I can't help but conclude that the last two chapters could've been skipped if the Countess Krak had taken a flippin' bus to Hairytown instead of insisting that Bang-Bang drive her. But then we would've missed out on her using magical alien devices to effortlessly get what she wants while humiliating one-shot characters who we are told are bad guys.
And is that not what Mission Earth is all about?
When it's not about Gris raping lesbians straight or murdering people. Or insane rants about the evils of psychology. Or unsophisticated and unsubtle social commentary.
Back to Part Forty-Four, Chapter Seven
There's a brief bit at the beginning of Gris going to the hospital to pay Torpedo's $5,100 bill and get him released from security, after which he orders the clerk to send the hitman back to Dr. Finkelbaum. Then he continues on to Boyd's of London to get that "hit man insurance." While riding the bus, he tunes in to Krak's activities on the portable viewscreen.
Bang-Bang's already driven them to the ROTC offices at Empire University. Colonel Tanc is described as "a military martinet, stiff as starch." I had to look up "martinet." The colonel apparently has nothing but contempt for the students playing at soldiers, and Bang-Bang once again tries to talk the Countess out of trying to reason with him, as though she hadn't just miraculously convinced Bang-Bang's equally antagonistic parole officer to cooperate with her wishes.
Then Hubbard breaks my mind again.
Two plump black women in the seat behind me were looking over my shoulder at the viewer interestedly. One said, "I didn't know they were doin' no rerun of Sophia Loren in the morning, but that sure as hell is Marcello Mastroianni."
"Naw," said the other, "that's Humphrey Bogart, plain as the nose on your face, woman. But I didn't know he played with Sophia Loren and that sho' as hell was her voice."
"Look at that," said the other, "you don't see her face, only what she's looking at. I know a Hitchcock film when I see one, only it's in color.
Wikipedia sez Hitchcock's first color film was Rope in 1948.
Did Hitchcock ever direct Sophia Loren?"
I ignored them. Riffraff.
Maybe I'm just ignorant. Maybe there was an explosion of interest in Humphrey Bogart (died 1957) and his contemporaries in the late 70's/early 80's. Maybe everyone from cab drivers to inner-city African-American women to sleazy space aliens were into classic Hitchcock movies. Maybe this isn't really, really bizarre.
Moving on... Krak writes up a request for leave on behalf of Jerome Terrace Wister, and puts it in an envelope along with a small glass bubble. Gris immediately wonders if Krak's making a mail bomb, which would imply that either Voltarian explosives can look like small, transparent bubbles, or Gris is a thundering idiot.
When Krak steps into the office of Colonel Panzer, who is of course surrounded by flags and cannon shells, she crushes the sphere in the envelope as she uses the Magician's Forcer Gesture to make the man grab it. She introduces herself as Wister's sister, asking for some leave time on his behalf, since their "poor, dear grandmother lies dying in Sleepy Hollow, ready to leave him a million bucks if he avoids the wolf and comes out of the woods in time with a basket of lunch on his arm."
Hubbard's attacks on my brain this chapter: 2.
Krak also adds that if the colonel refuses, she won't dance at him at the regimental ball. And Colonel Armored Fighting Vehicle, who is now flushed and staring at Krak with a "strange look of pleasure," hastens to sign the leave request. But as she tries to leave he lunges at her, crying "Come with me to my room, my little pigeon!" Krak ends up chased out of the office by the colonel and a sergeant, until she leaps into Bang-Bang's cab and they speed out.
"She made it!" said one black woman.
"Yeah, and right in the teeth of the Army, too!" said the other.
"Did you see that colonel slaver?" said the first. "Great actor, Charleton Heston."
"(Bleep)!" said the other. "That didn't take no actin'. Now when you realize he was chasing Lauren Bacall!"
Ha! Your attack has no effect, Hubbard! I'm too busy trying to figure out why some gerunds are -ings and others are -in's, even though they're said by the same person.
This time Krak used "An emotional stimulator perfume capsule. Crush in contact with paper or cloth and avoid. Causes a person to become amorous so that he can be arrested for making improper advances." Good thing this evidently only works on males. And her targets hadn't been turned by Psychiatric Birth Control.
Bang-Bang asks what Krak did to get such results, Krak orders him to take her to Hairytown... which sounds like a terrible innuendo, eww. Bang-Bang goes along with this dangerous plan because gosh he can't say no to such a beautiful woman. And the black ladies on the bus with Gris have to get off at their stop, but say they'll be sure to catch the end of the show, because they love the part when the girl gets killed. "So will I!" Gris says to himself grimly.
Meanwhile I can't help but conclude that the last two chapters could've been skipped if the Countess Krak had taken a flippin' bus to Hairytown instead of insisting that Bang-Bang drive her. But then we would've missed out on her using magical alien devices to effortlessly get what she wants while humiliating one-shot characters who we are told are bad guys.
And is that not what Mission Earth is all about?
When it's not about Gris raping lesbians straight or murdering people. Or insane rants about the evils of psychology. Or unsophisticated and unsubtle social commentary.
Back to Part Forty-Four, Chapter Seven
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Part Forty-Four, Chapter Seven - The Thrilling Quest for the Necessary Paperwork
Gris needs Krak dead, and he's decided that the only way to do this is to hire a hitman. But it turns out paying someone to commit murder is more complicated than you'd expect, with a bunch of hassles and inconveniences and hoops to jump through before anyone gets whacked. And Hubbard, bless his heart, is going to show us as many as he can.
The Apparatus agent calls Torpedo's mother, but is told that the hitman is at a Dr. Finkelbaum's office getting an insurance examination. For "hit man insurance." That is, a policy to cover hired killers.
So we get a page of Gris tracking down Torpedo, learning from a telephone operator that none of the thirty Finkelbaums in Queens work in the insurance industry, deducing that Torpedo must have gone to Boyd's of London because they'd insure even high-risk killers like Torpedo, learning that the hitman had been sent to a hospital to get his shots, and then hearing how Torpedo's being held by hospital security for not being able to pay his fees. Gris hops in a cab and takes off for Bellevue General Hospital to bail out his twisted killer.
But on his way out the door, he grabs Krak's viewscreen to watch while he rides his cab. Because we can't have Krak and Bang-Bang just ride off to visit Rockecenter's mansion, no, there's a lot of hassles and inconveniences in the way of that too. And Hubbard intends for us to experience them.
The Countess wants to talk to Bang-Bangs parole officer, so they're taking the cab to Chinatown. This confuses her, because Bang-Bang isn't Chinese, but that's where the parole offices are. The cabbie explains that the guy she's asking to see is "pure ape," someone who "mangles prisoners and English irregardless," so she's wasting her time. But Krak merely orders Bang-Bang to pull over so she can buy some flowers, and they're on their way.
And then Mission Earth has another one of its moments... er, little moments. One of the baffling ones, not the stomach-turning ones.
It's not just that this alien intelligence operative has an obsession with vintage Hollywood movie stars, it's that he keeps running into other people with the same interest. Sort of like some bad Harry Potter fanfic where the main characters happen to listen to the same boy band the author does.
Krak and Bang-Bang get to the parole office, Krak tells Bang-Bang to keep the motor going and steps out, and Gris groans at the "lost opportunity" of Krak standing out in the open on a sidewalk, where a "sniper in a passing car" could end her life with one shot. Because a scoped rifle is exactly the sort of weapon you want to use in the cramped backseat of a moving vehicle.
The Countess pops a mysterious pill and walks into the parole office, flowers in hand. She talks to the "absolute beast" at the desk about Bang-Bang and how he should be set free. The absolute beast is pretty vehement in his opposition to this, but Krak shoves the flowers in his face, he opens his mouth and takes a deep breath to yell, and then quiets down. And becomes quite cooperative.
There's a bit more, but he ends up hurriedly signing all the paperwork and gives Krak a copy, and she leaves.
It's magic, of course. Krak simply used an Eyes and Ears of Voltar "Perfume to make a person say yes to anything. Pre-antidote necessary." Yes, the Voltarians have perfected a smell that works like a mind-control helmet, but without the unwieldy equipment. Yes, this smell of acquiescence goes beyond forcing someone to say "yes" and actually makes them fully comply with your every suggestion. And yes, it works perfectly on humans, even after thousands of years of divergent evolution, or the fact that human drugs are exceptionally potent to Voltarians, so Voltarian drugs ought to be less potent against humans. Yes, Krak just solved another problem by destroying free will. The only hitch she has about it is that she only has one of the packets left, so she vows to save it for an emergency.
The cabbie's eyes bug out when he's handed the papers.
Hooray! The good guys have secured the release of a mob killer!
Wait.
Back to Chapter Six
The Apparatus agent calls Torpedo's mother, but is told that the hitman is at a Dr. Finkelbaum's office getting an insurance examination. For "hit man insurance." That is, a policy to cover hired killers.
So we get a page of Gris tracking down Torpedo, learning from a telephone operator that none of the thirty Finkelbaums in Queens work in the insurance industry, deducing that Torpedo must have gone to Boyd's of London because they'd insure even high-risk killers like Torpedo, learning that the hitman had been sent to a hospital to get his shots, and then hearing how Torpedo's being held by hospital security for not being able to pay his fees. Gris hops in a cab and takes off for Bellevue General Hospital to bail out his twisted killer.
But on his way out the door, he grabs Krak's viewscreen to watch while he rides his cab. Because we can't have Krak and Bang-Bang just ride off to visit Rockecenter's mansion, no, there's a lot of hassles and inconveniences in the way of that too. And Hubbard intends for us to experience them.
The Countess wants to talk to Bang-Bangs parole officer, so they're taking the cab to Chinatown. This confuses her, because Bang-Bang isn't Chinese, but that's where the parole offices are. The cabbie explains that the guy she's asking to see is "pure ape," someone who "mangles prisoners and English irregardless," so she's wasting her time. But Krak merely orders Bang-Bang to pull over so she can buy some flowers, and they're on their way.
And then Mission Earth has another one of its moments... er, little moments. One of the baffling ones, not the stomach-turning ones.
My own hacker was happily running up his meter in the cross-town traffic snarl. "Good thing you got a portable TV, mister," he said over his shoulder. "This is going to take a while. But what program is that? Some old morning rerun of Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall? Well, you'll have time to finish it at this rate."
Rage hit me. To infer that Bang-Bang sounded like Bogart! And she sounded more like Susan Hayward in her most villainous roles! Oh, well, she'd soon be dead.
It's not just that this alien intelligence operative has an obsession with vintage Hollywood movie stars, it's that he keeps running into other people with the same interest. Sort of like some bad Harry Potter fanfic where the main characters happen to listen to the same boy band the author does.
Krak and Bang-Bang get to the parole office, Krak tells Bang-Bang to keep the motor going and steps out, and Gris groans at the "lost opportunity" of Krak standing out in the open on a sidewalk, where a "sniper in a passing car" could end her life with one shot. Because a scoped rifle is exactly the sort of weapon you want to use in the cramped backseat of a moving vehicle.
The Countess pops a mysterious pill and walks into the parole office, flowers in hand. She talks to the "absolute beast" at the desk about Bang-Bang and how he should be set free. The absolute beast is pretty vehement in his opposition to this, but Krak shoves the flowers in his face, he opens his mouth and takes a deep breath to yell, and then quiets down. And becomes quite cooperative.
She continued. "Don't you think it would be a good idea to lift all restrictions on his movements?"
"Yes," said the parole officer.
"And make it unnecessary for him ever to have to report in again?"
"Yes," said the parole officer.
"And give him a clean bill of health for his entire parole time?"
"Yes."
There's a bit more, but he ends up hurriedly signing all the paperwork and gives Krak a copy, and she leaves.
It's magic, of course. Krak simply used an Eyes and Ears of Voltar "Perfume to make a person say yes to anything. Pre-antidote necessary." Yes, the Voltarians have perfected a smell that works like a mind-control helmet, but without the unwieldy equipment. Yes, this smell of acquiescence goes beyond forcing someone to say "yes" and actually makes them fully comply with your every suggestion. And yes, it works perfectly on humans, even after thousands of years of divergent evolution, or the fact that human drugs are exceptionally potent to Voltarians, so Voltarian drugs ought to be less potent against humans. Yes, Krak just solved another problem by destroying free will. The only hitch she has about it is that she only has one of the packets left, so she vows to save it for an emergency.
The cabbie's eyes bug out when he's handed the papers.
Bang-Bang edged over into Lafayette Street, heading north. All of a sudden he exploded "I'M FREE!"
Hooray! The good guys have secured the release of a mob killer!
Wait.
Back to Chapter Six
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Part Forty-Four, Chapter Six - The Heart-Stopping Search for Contact Information
Raht comes by to drop Crobe and Krak's relayers off for Gris to hold onto - he'll be taking Heller's when he shadows the guy down to Florida. Hubbard earns a point for world-building by having Gris try to scrub some of the soot that has accumulated on the devices after being exposed to New York air for weeks on end, bringing the author's total score to -39. Raht takes in the phallic decorations and stench of flowers and asks if Gris is rooming with some whore, and Gris kicks him out.
Wonder why Gris never considered having Raht try and kill Krak? It's not as if he dismissed Raht for failing to whack Gunsalmo Silva, Gris went straight from "Krak must die" to "I need to hire a hitman." He completely forgot that he had a henchman, and his interaction with Raht isn't reminding him.
Gris switches on the viewer to find Krak trying to use the phonebook to look up Rockecenter, though she seems to be having trouble remembering how the alphabet goes. When Bang-Bang asks if he can help out and she tells him what she's doing, the mob demolitionist is absolutely shocked, leading Krak to patiently explain that "On a civilized planet, nearly everyone has a communication call sign." Then she gets out Heller's magical geometry swirl that proves how Rockecenter is in total control of the planet (which isn't a Code Break because even though it's covered with alien symbols, Bang-Bang doesn't know that they're alien symbols).
This revelation is not news to Bang-Bang.
Have we really been on Earth for five books without anyone telling Heller or Krak this? It feels like Bang-Bang's already given this lecture, but I can't place it for sure. And this means that Heller's advanced alien jommetry was approximately as effective as turning to the guy next to him and asking "who do you think runs the world?"
Krak drops her bombshell that Rockecenter has a son, which as you'll recall is based partially on her childhood memories of life as an aristocrat. Bang-Bang is dismissive and insists he and Heller found no proof of any Rockecenter offspring.
She's an alien, let's cut her some slack for confusing a fact ("something concrete used as a basis for further interpretation") with a theory ("a hypothesis or conjecture").
Though I must point out that someone's shocked response to your statement does not in itself prove its veracity. If I told everyone that President Obama is actually a hyperintelligent squirrel manning a sophisticated animatronic "human suit," sure they'd be surprised to hear it, but that wouldn't necessarily mean I'm right.
Anyway, Krak knows that Rockecenter has a son, and she also knows that Mr. Bury, Rockecenter's right-hand man, is hiding Rockcenter Jr., so when Rockecenter Sr. kicks it he can run his financial empire through Jr. And she also knows that when she tells Rockecenter Sr. this, he'll be so grateful that he'll do everything in his power to help Heller out so he and Krak can finish the mission and go home.
The next page or so is Bang-Bang and Izzy trying and failing to explain how utterly wrong Krak is.
Bang-Bang calls Rockecenter's outfit a pack of wolves - no, "WEREWOLVES!" - so vicious that they could "eat the Virgin Mary, toenails and all, and never even bother to spit out one Ave Maria!" Izzy explains that if you laid the number of corpses made by Rockecenter's ruthless business practices and warmongering end-to-end, they'd extend forever and offers to distract Krak with flowers or theater tickets.
But Krak is stubbornly convinced that Rockecenter's heart would grow three, possibly even four sizes if he learned he has a son, and is a potential ally, provided she can only get in touch with him. Bang-Bang and Izzy refuse to help her. So she picks up the phone, hits "Operator," and asks to get in touch with the Delbert John Rockecenter, the one who owns the phone company "And the planet." Her hunt for Rockecenter sees her redirected across Europe, then to Texas "when somebody remembered he now owned Texas," and then some Arab feller remembers hearing about a place called Hairytown, and finally an operator patches Krak through the Pokantickle Estate.
Remember? One of the two geographic locations Heller's alien jiggletry came up with? The one on the sheet Krak just showed Bang-Bang? The place she didn't try to call up first thing?
Krak gets the estate's number, a butler says that Rockecenter isn't accepting any calls except from Miss Agnes, and when the Countess admits she isn't Agnes, she gets hung up on. Quest over!
Or not. Krak decides she'll go to Hairytown, find Miss Agnes, and get the other woman to help her reach Rockecenter. Bang-Bang not at all reluctantly admits that due to his parole, he's unable to leave New York City. On top of that, he's still attending Heller's ROTC classes for him. So there's no way he'll be able to take her along on a suicide mission.
The Countess is not to be denied:"an important project like this couldn't possibly be allowed to halt just because of tiny routine matters." She gets up "in a purposeful way," and Gris freaks out.
After five pages of dispassionately narrating other people's conversations without interrupting to tell us how he feels about it, Gris finally feels free to react to the events he's recounting, just before the chapter ends.
Wonder what Mr. Bury would do if Gris told him about this woman who was convinced that he was hiding Rockecenter's secret heir? Maybe send his best assassin to silence her, right away? Might save Gris a bit of trouble, that.
Wait, Bury's response to Heller declaring himself as Rockecenter Jr. was that half-assed hotel room hit and dispatching the same guy Gris is using.
Why is every bad guy in this story so bad at being a bad guy?
Back to Chapter Five
Wonder why Gris never considered having Raht try and kill Krak? It's not as if he dismissed Raht for failing to whack Gunsalmo Silva, Gris went straight from "Krak must die" to "I need to hire a hitman." He completely forgot that he had a henchman, and his interaction with Raht isn't reminding him.
Gris switches on the viewer to find Krak trying to use the phonebook to look up Rockecenter, though she seems to be having trouble remembering how the alphabet goes. When Bang-Bang asks if he can help out and she tells him what she's doing, the mob demolitionist is absolutely shocked, leading Krak to patiently explain that "On a civilized planet, nearly everyone has a communication call sign." Then she gets out Heller's magical geometry swirl that proves how Rockecenter is in total control of the planet (which isn't a Code Break because even though it's covered with alien symbols, Bang-Bang doesn't know that they're alien symbols).
This revelation is not news to Bang-Bang.
"Well, hell--beggin' your pardon, ma'am--that don't take no fancy diagram to figure out. Everybody knows that. For the last century the Rockecenter family has been taking over from other mobs and now Delbert John Rockecenter owns and controls all the real estate and rackets. I guess 'emperor' would be a fancy name like capo di tutti capi, but it really don't embrace all that Rockecenter really controls. He's into everybody's pocket, too. He controls every oil company and I can't fill up the cab's tank without helping make Rockecenter rich. I can't buy an aspirin without making Rockecenter rich. I can't even drink a cup of coffee without stuffing more dough in the Rockecenter coffers. Everybody knows that. So what's the urgent notice on the regimental bulletin board?"
Have we really been on Earth for five books without anyone telling Heller or Krak this? It feels like Bang-Bang's already given this lecture, but I can't place it for sure. And this means that Heller's advanced alien jommetry was approximately as effective as turning to the guy next to him and asking "who do you think runs the world?"
Krak drops her bombshell that Rockecenter has a son, which as you'll recall is based partially on her childhood memories of life as an aristocrat. Bang-Bang is dismissive and insists he and Heller found no proof of any Rockecenter offspring.
"That's just it," said Krak. "Delbert John Rockecenter doesn't know he has a son."
"WHAT?"
"Aha! So it surprises you, too," said the Countess Krak. "But it is a fact.
She's an alien, let's cut her some slack for confusing a fact ("something concrete used as a basis for further interpretation") with a theory ("a hypothesis or conjecture").
Though I must point out that someone's shocked response to your statement does not in itself prove its veracity. If I told everyone that President Obama is actually a hyperintelligent squirrel manning a sophisticated animatronic "human suit," sure they'd be surprised to hear it, but that wouldn't necessarily mean I'm right.
Anyway, Krak knows that Rockecenter has a son, and she also knows that Mr. Bury, Rockecenter's right-hand man, is hiding Rockcenter Jr., so when Rockecenter Sr. kicks it he can run his financial empire through Jr. And she also knows that when she tells Rockecenter Sr. this, he'll be so grateful that he'll do everything in his power to help Heller out so he and Krak can finish the mission and go home.
The next page or so is Bang-Bang and Izzy trying and failing to explain how utterly wrong Krak is.
Bang-Bang calls Rockecenter's outfit a pack of wolves - no, "WEREWOLVES!" - so vicious that they could "eat the Virgin Mary, toenails and all, and never even bother to spit out one Ave Maria!" Izzy explains that if you laid the number of corpses made by Rockecenter's ruthless business practices and warmongering end-to-end, they'd extend forever and offers to distract Krak with flowers or theater tickets.
But Krak is stubbornly convinced that Rockecenter's heart would grow three, possibly even four sizes if he learned he has a son, and is a potential ally, provided she can only get in touch with him. Bang-Bang and Izzy refuse to help her. So she picks up the phone, hits "Operator," and asks to get in touch with the Delbert John Rockecenter, the one who owns the phone company "And the planet." Her hunt for Rockecenter sees her redirected across Europe, then to Texas "when somebody remembered he now owned Texas," and then some Arab feller remembers hearing about a place called Hairytown, and finally an operator patches Krak through the Pokantickle Estate.
Remember? One of the two geographic locations Heller's alien jiggletry came up with? The one on the sheet Krak just showed Bang-Bang? The place she didn't try to call up first thing?
Krak gets the estate's number, a butler says that Rockecenter isn't accepting any calls except from Miss Agnes, and when the Countess admits she isn't Agnes, she gets hung up on. Quest over!
Or not. Krak decides she'll go to Hairytown, find Miss Agnes, and get the other woman to help her reach Rockecenter. Bang-Bang not at all reluctantly admits that due to his parole, he's unable to leave New York City. On top of that, he's still attending Heller's ROTC classes for him. So there's no way he'll be able to take her along on a suicide mission.
The Countess is not to be denied:"an important project like this couldn't possibly be allowed to halt just because of tiny routine matters." She gets up "in a purposeful way," and Gris freaks out.
I suddenly went crazy
After five pages of dispassionately narrating other people's conversations without interrupting to tell us how he feels about it, Gris finally feels free to react to the events he's recounting, just before the chapter ends.
My Gods, not only was Heller gone but she was setting herself up like a duck in a shooting gallery.
AND I WASN'T ORGANIZED YET!
Wonder what Mr. Bury would do if Gris told him about this woman who was convinced that he was hiding Rockecenter's secret heir? Maybe send his best assassin to silence her, right away? Might save Gris a bit of trouble, that.
Wait, Bury's response to Heller declaring himself as Rockecenter Jr. was that half-assed hotel room hit and dispatching the same guy Gris is using.
Why is every bad guy in this story so bad at being a bad guy?
Back to Chapter Five
Monday, January 14, 2013
Part Forty-Four, Chapter Five - Sweet Sorrow
Gris kicks this chapter off by spending one last paragraph to assure us that he isn't going to learn anything from the previous chapter. "In the chilly light of dawn, after a bad night of introspection, I decided it was all nonsense. There was nothing wrong with me at all." Screw you, character development. Up yours, epiphany. Gris is an imbecile with a slavish devotion to his half-baked idea of the author's warped take on psychology, and throwing up at the thought of necrophilia isn't gonna change that.
He goes back to what he does best, sitting down in front of the viewscreen and seething about the progress Heller is making. Heller and Krak are saying their good-byes at the airport, she's tearing up as expected, she'll feel his absence like an ache, and so forth. While mentally whining how inconsiderate Krak is by putting his life in danger by pushing Heller towards the successful conclusion of Mission Earth, Gris remembers that most tedious of plot devices, the 851 Relayer. And so we get another paragraph or two of Gris ranting at the only competent Apparatus agent on the planet, demanding that Raht take the Relayers off the Empire State Building, give them to Gris, then go down to Florida and tail "Pretty Boy Floyd," Heller's business alias.
Just imagine how different Mission Earth would be if the whole Relayer thing got dropped and Gris could pick up Heller's signal fine from anywhere on the planet. Or if he skipped Turkey and stayed in New York from book two on. No scenes where he insults and bosses around people who by any standards ought to be his superiors. No... hmm... has there been any occasion when Gris missed something critically important because the Relayer was turned on or off at the wrong time? There has to have been, right? Otherwise there's no point to the damn thing. But I can't remember any...
I guess the better question is: has there been a time Gris missed something due to the Relayer that couldn't have been just as easily explained by him being an idiot and not putting recording tape in it, or forgetting to turn it on, or choosing to whore away a month instead of doing his job? And I think the answer to that is a negative.
More farewells. Izzy advises Heller to wear face paint, so if the Indians attack they'll think he's one of them. Krak is well and truly crying now.
No, you could have explained back when you were recapping the first five books. You chose not to, and now you're paying the price.
Or not, as the case may be.
"I'll mind-rape anyone who my delusions convince me threatens our relationship, but you don't have to explain yourself!"
I think the Japanese term for Krak would be "yandere." A possible English translation is "crazy bitch."
So if you know the thing you're doing is stupid, why are you doing it?
So if you have a reasonable justification and worthwhile goal for your plan of action, why are you stupid for following it?
Like the imperialistic society with mind-control helmets and electric penis stimulation, an empire that conquers other planets due to its unthinking devotion to an invasion schedule drawn up by their ancient ancestors.
Wonder why Krak's willing to go behind her boyfriend's back to eliminate any potential rivals for her affection, but here she is keeping a promise to Soltan Gris of all people?
That's his good-bye to her. Not "I love you" or anything like that, but "stay home, don't do anything. Don't take any independent action, even if you think it'll speed the mission up." Almost makes you wonder if he suspects what she's been up to.
Heller boards his plane, Krak cries and cries, Gris again reminds us how Krak's endangering things by egging Heller on, and swears that Krak will be dead before Heller sees her again.
Which means that we're looking at just over a hundred pages of Gris trying to help his "twist" hitman murder Krak, and failing miserably.
Back to Chapter Four
He goes back to what he does best, sitting down in front of the viewscreen and seething about the progress Heller is making. Heller and Krak are saying their good-byes at the airport, she's tearing up as expected, she'll feel his absence like an ache, and so forth. While mentally whining how inconsiderate Krak is by putting his life in danger by pushing Heller towards the successful conclusion of Mission Earth, Gris remembers that most tedious of plot devices, the 851 Relayer. And so we get another paragraph or two of Gris ranting at the only competent Apparatus agent on the planet, demanding that Raht take the Relayers off the Empire State Building, give them to Gris, then go down to Florida and tail "Pretty Boy Floyd," Heller's business alias.
Just imagine how different Mission Earth would be if the whole Relayer thing got dropped and Gris could pick up Heller's signal fine from anywhere on the planet. Or if he skipped Turkey and stayed in New York from book two on. No scenes where he insults and bosses around people who by any standards ought to be his superiors. No... hmm... has there been any occasion when Gris missed something critically important because the Relayer was turned on or off at the wrong time? There has to have been, right? Otherwise there's no point to the damn thing. But I can't remember any...
I guess the better question is: has there been a time Gris missed something due to the Relayer that couldn't have been just as easily explained by him being an idiot and not putting recording tape in it, or forgetting to turn it on, or choosing to whore away a month instead of doing his job? And I think the answer to that is a negative.
More farewells. Izzy advises Heller to wear face paint, so if the Indians attack they'll think he's one of them. Krak is well and truly crying now.
"I feel too bad even to be cross with you about those women," she was saying.
"Women?"
"That protest at the United Nations. The ones carrying your picture with 'Pretty Boy' on it. You use that name on tickets."
"Oh, honey, I can explain. . . . "
No, you could have explained back when you were recapping the first five books. You chose not to, and now you're paying the price.
Or not, as the case may be.
"No, no. You don't have to. I love you, Jettero. You're my man and I love you.
"I'll mind-rape anyone who my delusions convince me threatens our relationship, but you don't have to explain yourself!"
I think the Japanese term for Krak would be "yandere." A possible English translation is "crazy bitch."
And I'm being an idiot for staying behind and not going to Florida with you.
So if you know the thing you're doing is stupid, why are you doing it?
But I've got to do all I can to speed things up and help us get home.
So if you have a reasonable justification and worthwhile goal for your plan of action, why are you stupid for following it?
And then we can get married and live happily ever after in some civilized place.
Like the imperialistic society with mind-control helmets and electric penis stimulation, an empire that conquers other planets due to its unthinking devotion to an invasion schedule drawn up by their ancient ancestors.
There's a nice surprise waiting for us both when we get home. I promised I wouldn't tell you and I won't.
Wonder why Krak's willing to go behind her boyfriend's back to eliminate any potential rivals for her affection, but here she is keeping a promise to Soltan Gris of all people?
But hurry and finish up this mission, Jettero. And I'll do all I can."
"You sit quietly and wait for me," said Heller.
That's his good-bye to her. Not "I love you" or anything like that, but "stay home, don't do anything. Don't take any independent action, even if you think it'll speed the mission up." Almost makes you wonder if he suspects what she's been up to.
Heller boards his plane, Krak cries and cries, Gris again reminds us how Krak's endangering things by egging Heller on, and swears that Krak will be dead before Heller sees her again.
Which means that we're looking at just over a hundred pages of Gris trying to help his "twist" hitman murder Krak, and failing miserably.
Back to Chapter Four
Friday, January 11, 2013
Part Forty-Four, Chapter Four - Signs of Life
Unabridged version here.
Let's take a brief paragraph to explain Girs' reaction to the previous chapter:
We're about a fifth of the way into Book Six and we still have learned nothing about the Voltarian pantheon, beside that there's a god of voyages, whossname. Let's call him Jeff.
Bang-Bang, the guy who Gris saw rig a parking garage to explode, wiping out three cars of federal agents. Bang-Bang, the guy who killed Gris' snipers right in front of him during Heller's race, the reason why Gris is getting stuck with a necrophiliac hitman.
Oh, he's nothing.
Gris has evidently forgotten how terrified he was of Krak before she teamed up with Heller.
Why is this important?
So that's the first paragraph. Now let's spend the remaining four pages of the chapter on what's really important: Gris curing "lesbians" of their misguided sexual preference with the power of his penis.
Pinchy calls him into the living room, Gris lets his clients watch him disrobe, and on with the show - seriously, Miss Pinch and Candy are hanging around to watch, Candy "eagerly nodding in rhythm." Unfortunately Gris has some difficulty with the lesbian "husband" Ralph, who passes out with her eyes open and staring, which is off-putting enough that Gris has to finish quickly and go sit in the garden. Pinch gives him some champagne as a pick-me-up, but again Gris is undone by his own incredible sexual prowess - the "wife" Miss Butter goes rigid and blank-eyed, and Gris has to run to the bathroom and throw up.
So Gris, a certified murderer and rapist, is feeling nauseated after a bit of consensual sex. Now he must put his towering intellect to work at figuring out why. It's not the champagne, because he was feeling strange before he drank it. He knows that Prahd's enhancements must have warped his mind, since Freud insists that everything is based on sex, but Gris does a mental check and concludes that no, he still likes shooting songbirds and spitting on the riffraff. So gee, could anything else be putting him off?
Phew! Thought we might get some character development with Gris having second thoughts about psychology, maybe even questioning some of its assumptions. Then the author could make a big deal about how even Soltan Gris finds such a warped field of pseudoscience to be distasteful. Glad we dodged that bullet.
When Miss Pinch retrieves Gris from the bathroom for his nightly duties, he asks if Butters survived the night. Then he asks the walking, talking woman "Are you a live girl?"
We're supposed to feel suspense over whether or not the good guys can overcome Gris' machinations, remember. The bad guy is asking clearly animate people whether they're dead or not, and we're supposed to view him as a credible threat.
Pinch sends Gris to take a shower, and the Apparatus agent has another out-of-character moment when he takes care to wash up properly.
And so the author of what the Literary Guild called "an extraordinary ten-volume epic rich with intergalactic intrigue and wry social commentary" ends the chapter with a necrophilia joke.
Back to Chapter Three
Let's take a brief paragraph to explain Girs' reaction to the previous chapter:
I was flabbergasted at my tremendous luck! Of course, I'd known for some time that Heller was doing something with spores to clean up the planet's air, but I hadn't realized he was going away so soon. I just sat there gaping. The Gods had decided to smile upon me at last!
We're about a fifth of the way into Book Six and we still have learned nothing about the Voltarian pantheon, beside that there's a god of voyages, whossname. Let's call him Jeff.
Bang-Bang I could discount. Without Heller to direct him, he was nothing.
Bang-Bang, the guy who Gris saw rig a parking garage to explode, wiping out three cars of federal agents. Bang-Bang, the guy who killed Gris' snipers right in front of him during Heller's race, the reason why Gris is getting stuck with a necrophiliac hitman.
Oh, he's nothing.
I could hardly believe it. I was actually going to be able to get the Countess Krak killed without any trouble at all!
Gris has evidently forgotten how terrified he was of Krak before she teamed up with Heller.
Not only killed but her dead body raped!
Why is this important?
So that's the first paragraph. Now let's spend the remaining four pages of the chapter on what's really important: Gris curing "lesbians" of their misguided sexual preference with the power of his penis.
Pinchy calls him into the living room, Gris lets his clients watch him disrobe, and on with the show - seriously, Miss Pinch and Candy are hanging around to watch, Candy "eagerly nodding in rhythm." Unfortunately Gris has some difficulty with the lesbian "husband" Ralph, who passes out with her eyes open and staring, which is off-putting enough that Gris has to finish quickly and go sit in the garden. Pinch gives him some champagne as a pick-me-up, but again Gris is undone by his own incredible sexual prowess - the "wife" Miss Butter goes rigid and blank-eyed, and Gris has to run to the bathroom and throw up.
So Gris, a certified murderer and rapist, is feeling nauseated after a bit of consensual sex. Now he must put his towering intellect to work at figuring out why. It's not the champagne, because he was feeling strange before he drank it. He knows that Prahd's enhancements must have warped his mind, since Freud insists that everything is based on sex, but Gris does a mental check and concludes that no, he still likes shooting songbirds and spitting on the riffraff. So gee, could anything else be putting him off?
I got to thinking about Torpedo Fiaccola. His psychologist had recommended becoming a necrophile. So obviously, from this evidence and much other psychology reading I had done, it was quite a normal thing to have coitus with a corpse. So that could not be the basis of this strange reaction.
I just couldn't get to the bottom of it.
Phew! Thought we might get some character development with Gris having second thoughts about psychology, maybe even questioning some of its assumptions. Then the author could make a big deal about how even Soltan Gris finds such a warped field of pseudoscience to be distasteful. Glad we dodged that bullet.
When Miss Pinch retrieves Gris from the bathroom for his nightly duties, he asks if Butters survived the night. Then he asks the walking, talking woman "Are you a live girl?"
We're supposed to feel suspense over whether or not the good guys can overcome Gris' machinations, remember. The bad guy is asking clearly animate people whether they're dead or not, and we're supposed to view him as a credible threat.
Pinch sends Gris to take a shower, and the Apparatus agent has another out-of-character moment when he takes care to wash up properly.
Miss Pinch finally came into the bathroom again. "For Christ's sake, Inkswitch, come on!"
She got me out and towelled me and got me into the other room.
"No," I said. "Wait a moment." I found my hands were very shaky.
"Look," I begged, "promise me you'll keep moving."
And so the author of what the Literary Guild called "an extraordinary ten-volume epic rich with intergalactic intrigue and wry social commentary" ends the chapter with a necrophilia joke.
Back to Chapter Three
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Part Forty-Four, Chapter Three - Darkest Florida
Fresh on the heels of a mentally-scarring chapter about a killer's discovery of the joys of necrophilia, Florida jokes.
Gris goes home and flips on the viewscreen to find "good fortune staring at me with its evil grin," i.e. a map of Florida. Heller is planning an expedition to the Sunshine State, having arranged for Izzy to purchase miles and miles of property in the Everglades, nothing but swamp and gators. Then Hubbard hits us with a page-long barrage of stupefying anecdotes.
Wait, what? Why? How?
Can we go back to explaining the Jamaica thing? I still haven't come to grips with that.
Is this a reference? To who? A journalist who's wronged you, Hubbard?
Wait, isn't that very much a Bad Guy Thing, turning someone over to the tender ministrations of those twisted psychologists? Or is this excusable because Hubbard really hated whoever this character is "satirizing?"
What?
What?
So there you have it - in less than three paragraphs the author has done the literary equivalent of that thing from that anime where the guy hits the other guy with like a million punches over three seconds, and then the other guy explodes. Except he's using words, and the target is the reader's brain.
And the madness doesn't stop. Izzy explains that he wanted to call Heller's latest company Beautiful Clear Blue Skies For Everyone, Inc., except Florida's government "want[s] only criminals in the state, and anybody trying to do good drives them up the palm trees in horror." In fact, they even confused Izzy and Heller's enterprise with a religion - what a silly mistake, mistaking an obvious corporate entity for some sort of faith-based organization. But Izzy was able to convince them to let it slide, because it turns out that "blue sky" is slang for worthless stock. Urban Dictionary can't verify this, but maybe it was a thing in the late 1970's.
Then Izzy starts ranting about Indians, because the Seminoles have a reservation nearby, and Izzy knows that such nasty-looking folks must eat dogs and frontiersmen. He also checked, and the Seminoles only signed a peace treaty a scant few decades ago. So he advises Heller to take some beads with him, in case the natives try to dispute the land purchase.
Those poor Native Americans. Genocide, broken treaties, residual racism, and now they're appearing in an L. Ron Hubbard novel. Haven't they suffered enough?
After listing all the... quirks of their new property, Izzy asks why Heller wanted it, conveniently letting us hear an explanation of what he's doing. This is where Heller is going to produce his miracle "spores" to release into the atmosphere, eat up the pollution, and blot out the sun with their cancerous growth... er, eat the pollution and fart out oxygen, shifting the composition of the atmosphere to prehistoric levels of oxygenation, heralding a new era of gigantic organisms in a world where lightning ignites cataclysmic fires... er, eat the pollution, fart out oxygen, and the end.
Florida is an ideal place for this due to trade winds, and Heller can use all the swamp's mud to break down into electricity... wait, what? Dirt + water = power? Guess this is another use of Heller's magical carburetor. It's been so long since the stupid thing appeared in the story, I've forgotten how it works.
The spore plant will make money by selling some of its magically-produced electricity to the local power grid, while Izzy's other projects in the area, namely an upscale retirement resort, will bring in the main profit. Heller's ready to go and asks if the Countess has her bikinis packed, but to his surprise, Krak announces she's staying behind. She's got things to do, you see.
Heller orders Bang-Bang to look after he while he's gone, while Gris... well, at the start of the chapter he said this was all a sign of good fortune, but he's going to wait until next chapter to explain why. Oh, and have more uncomfortable sex with deluded "lesbians."
Back to Chapter Two
Gris goes home and flips on the viewscreen to find "good fortune staring at me with its evil grin," i.e. a map of Florida. Heller is planning an expedition to the Sunshine State, having arranged for Izzy to purchase miles and miles of property in the Everglades, nothing but swamp and gators. Then Hubbard hits us with a page-long barrage of stupefying anecdotes.
Izzy was hauling out some deeds. "It's a former retirement estate but the alligators ate the old folks they sold it to. Then the CIA bought it as part of a training program for a secret army to invade Jamaica but they got defeated by some small boys with slingshots on the beach,
Wait, what? Why? How?
so they sold it, according to the records search, to the Saint Petersburg Grimes, who used it for a place to hide out their reporters when people wanted to shoot them. But the people were so successful that the place was not much used. Then the
Can we go back to explaining the Jamaica thing? I still haven't come to grips with that.
Grimes went bankrupt and I bought it mud-cheap with fifteen leftover reporters thrown in, including a woman reporter named Betty Horseheinie."
Is this a reference? To who? A journalist who's wronged you, Hubbard?
"A woman?" said the Countess Krak.
"Yes," said Izzy. "And she was a problem, too. The alligators tried to eat her but got so sick the conservationists raised hell. We sent her to an insane asylum
Wait, isn't that very much a Bad Guy Thing, turning someone over to the tender ministrations of those twisted psychologists? Or is this excusable because Hubbard really hated whoever this character is "satirizing?"
near Miami but she drove the patients so crazy that we got a permit from the government and disposed of her as contaminated waste. She's
What?
miles deep in the continental trench now, but they do say all the fish are dying there.
What?
However, she's not around."
"Good," said the Countess Krak.
So there you have it - in less than three paragraphs the author has done the literary equivalent of that thing from that anime where the guy hits the other guy with like a million punches over three seconds, and then the other guy explodes. Except he's using words, and the target is the reader's brain.
And the madness doesn't stop. Izzy explains that he wanted to call Heller's latest company Beautiful Clear Blue Skies For Everyone, Inc., except Florida's government "want[s] only criminals in the state, and anybody trying to do good drives them up the palm trees in horror." In fact, they even confused Izzy and Heller's enterprise with a religion - what a silly mistake, mistaking an obvious corporate entity for some sort of faith-based organization. But Izzy was able to convince them to let it slide, because it turns out that "blue sky" is slang for worthless stock. Urban Dictionary can't verify this, but maybe it was a thing in the late 1970's.
Then Izzy starts ranting about Indians, because the Seminoles have a reservation nearby, and Izzy knows that such nasty-looking folks must eat dogs and frontiersmen. He also checked, and the Seminoles only signed a peace treaty a scant few decades ago. So he advises Heller to take some beads with him, in case the natives try to dispute the land purchase.
Those poor Native Americans. Genocide, broken treaties, residual racism, and now they're appearing in an L. Ron Hubbard novel. Haven't they suffered enough?
After listing all the... quirks of their new property, Izzy asks why Heller wanted it, conveniently letting us hear an explanation of what he's doing. This is where Heller is going to produce his miracle "spores" to release into the atmosphere, eat up the pollution, and blot out the sun with their cancerous growth... er, eat the pollution and fart out oxygen, shifting the composition of the atmosphere to prehistoric levels of oxygenation, heralding a new era of gigantic organisms in a world where lightning ignites cataclysmic fires... er, eat the pollution, fart out oxygen, and the end.
Florida is an ideal place for this due to trade winds, and Heller can use all the swamp's mud to break down into electricity... wait, what? Dirt + water = power? Guess this is another use of Heller's magical carburetor. It's been so long since the stupid thing appeared in the story, I've forgotten how it works.
The spore plant will make money by selling some of its magically-produced electricity to the local power grid, while Izzy's other projects in the area, namely an upscale retirement resort, will bring in the main profit. Heller's ready to go and asks if the Countess has her bikinis packed, but to his surprise, Krak announces she's staying behind. She's got things to do, you see.
Her smile was enigmatic. "I want to pick an item up that I haven't found. It's going to take a lot of search [sic]."
Heller orders Bang-Bang to look after he while he's gone, while Gris... well, at the start of the chapter he said this was all a sign of good fortune, but he's going to wait until next chapter to explain why. Oh, and have more uncomfortable sex with deluded "lesbians."
Back to Chapter Two
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