So hey, Odur the "little homo" is back. Apparently the way disembarking works in the Apparatus is that guards take you off the ship one at a time for an interview with the local moronic villain. So all the passengers get to breathe a bit more recycled air until an idiot needs to talk to them.
Odur reports that he has paperwork for Gris - lots of blank forms for him to stamp, because that could never backfire on him - along with a bunch of news from Voltar. Apparently the home office is in turmoil ever since Bawtch and two other workers stopped showing up. And even though there's no actual confirmation that Bawtch is indeed dead, Gris immediately concludes that Too-Too's plan to assassinate his old boss succeeded! ...You remember that, right? Towards the end of last book? Don't worry, at this rate Bawtch's inevitable survival will only become relevant at the end of Book 5. (editor's note from the future: Book 9, actually)
The big news is that Lombar Hisst's dastardly plans are coming to fruition. The Grand Council, court physicians, and even a lot of the general population have gotten addicted to drugs. And we could wonder why there hasn't been a backlash from moral authorities or civilian physicians against this new addiction sweeping the planet, or how the Apparatus is able to keep up a steady supply of enough drugs to hook a whole world from a single base in Turkey, but really there's no point in questioning. This is a setting where the hero was forced to cut ties with his benefactor because a newspaper said so.
But there is a hitch - Heller's platen-encoded mission reports. The Grand Council is confident in the success of Heller's mission, while Hisst is antsy that Heller might upset the profitable situation here on Earth. Or in other words, here's a recap of the premise that we established in Book 2. But Odur does remember something else Hisst told him to pass along (because an encoded message of his own is just out of the question, apparently), namely that "some time in the future he would be able to give you a go-ahead and you could safely kill that man."
Yes, Gris has made so little progress on the "Heller's platen" plotline that his boss is going to solve it for him. So we can look forward to some action-packed stalling on Gris' part until he gets that go-ahead.
And yet Gris' lack of progress hasn't gotten him killed by the mysterious Apparatus assassin. Huh.
Gris also asks about the woman who came along with the Blixo, and Odur can only describe her in glowing terms. He faints when Gris reveals that Krak's the girlfriend of the to-be-killed man in Odur's message. Cruelty as comedy.
There's also Dr. Crobe, whose interview with Gris mainly reveals that he didn't properly learn English on the trip over. Gris gives him copies of Psychology Rampant and To the Depths With Psychiatry, which despite their titles evidently aren't anti-psychology pamphlets but actual psychiatric texts. Boo, hiss, psychology bad, grr.
Is the book over yet?
Back to Chapter Six
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Part Thirty-Five, Chapter Six - Laundry, Errands, and Future Plot Points
There's a little something called the Unspoken Plan Guarantee. Basically, if a character describes his or her plan in detail, it is doomed to fail, because having a character talk about doing something and then watching them do it exactly as they described is boring. Conversely, if a character only mentions that they have a plan, but doesn't share its details with the audience, its odds of success are much greater because there's no drama in a plan we don't know about failing.
So, for the first time in a long time, Gris doesn't describe how he hopes a situation will unfold under the expectation that it will happen that way because he wants it to. Instead he "laid his plans carefully" and goes over them in his head until he's convinced they're foolproof, and even though they were indeed planned by a fool, the fact that he's being a secretive narrator will nevertheless allow his scheme to succeed.
So that's the first four paragraphs of the chapter, Gris taking advantage of narrative convention. The rest is pretty dull.
For Gris' plan to work, he needs to look suitably impressive, as if the Countess Krak will change his opinion of him thanks to a clean shirt. So we get a page of Gris tracking down his uniform, washing it in a basin, and replacing a lost rank insignia with an emerald locket picked up during one of Utanc's shopping sprees. He puts his Knife Section knife in its hidden sheath behind his neck. He puts on the Antimanco control star that was introduced in book one and still hasn't been used yet. He gets dressed, in other words.
Then Gris goes to the hangar and encounters another as-yet-unused plot point, that "line jumper" the hangar workers want to use to rob banks. Gee, I wonder how Gris might use it to overcome his crippling poverty? Doesn't that sound exciting, reading chapters about Gris pulling ridiculous stunts like snatching a vault full of cash, building and all, in order to return to the status quo? Gris tells the guards to put some supplies in a certain place, and promises them a day off if they'll salute him in front of the Blixo's passengers.
Then Gris goes back to his room and makes some calls to the hospital preparing for Krak's bugging, then to Faht Bey to set up Krak's Earth identity of Heavenly Joy Crackle from Sleepy Hollow, New York. Then he goes back to his room and spends some time worrying about how scary the Countess Krak is. Then the Blixo arrives and he goes to greet it.
Obviously this isn't much of a climax for An Alien Affair. I think the actual peak of excitement and drama occurred over a hundred pages ago when Heller left the Gracious Palms because newspapers told him to. So the last two or three Parts have been an oh-so-thrilling denouement involving Gris' financial status and genitalia. Assuming, of course, you make the mistake of applying traditional story structure to what was never intended to be a stand-alone story.
Back to Chapter Five
So, for the first time in a long time, Gris doesn't describe how he hopes a situation will unfold under the expectation that it will happen that way because he wants it to. Instead he "laid his plans carefully" and goes over them in his head until he's convinced they're foolproof, and even though they were indeed planned by a fool, the fact that he's being a secretive narrator will nevertheless allow his scheme to succeed.
So that's the first four paragraphs of the chapter, Gris taking advantage of narrative convention. The rest is pretty dull.
For Gris' plan to work, he needs to look suitably impressive, as if the Countess Krak will change his opinion of him thanks to a clean shirt. So we get a page of Gris tracking down his uniform, washing it in a basin, and replacing a lost rank insignia with an emerald locket picked up during one of Utanc's shopping sprees. He puts his Knife Section knife in its hidden sheath behind his neck. He puts on the Antimanco control star that was introduced in book one and still hasn't been used yet. He gets dressed, in other words.
Then Gris goes to the hangar and encounters another as-yet-unused plot point, that "line jumper" the hangar workers want to use to rob banks. Gee, I wonder how Gris might use it to overcome his crippling poverty? Doesn't that sound exciting, reading chapters about Gris pulling ridiculous stunts like snatching a vault full of cash, building and all, in order to return to the status quo? Gris tells the guards to put some supplies in a certain place, and promises them a day off if they'll salute him in front of the Blixo's passengers.
Then Gris goes back to his room and makes some calls to the hospital preparing for Krak's bugging, then to Faht Bey to set up Krak's Earth identity of Heavenly Joy Crackle from Sleepy Hollow, New York. Then he goes back to his room and spends some time worrying about how scary the Countess Krak is. Then the Blixo arrives and he goes to greet it.
Obviously this isn't much of a climax for An Alien Affair. I think the actual peak of excitement and drama occurred over a hundred pages ago when Heller left the Gracious Palms because newspapers told him to. So the last two or three Parts have been an oh-so-thrilling denouement involving Gris' financial status and genitalia. Assuming, of course, you make the mistake of applying traditional story structure to what was never intended to be a stand-alone story.
Back to Chapter Five
Friday, September 7, 2012
Part Thirty-Five, Chapter Five - Lysistrata Would be Proud
Gris finds Heller approaching the United Nations building, only to encounter a group of women in coats who shout "Pretty boy!" when they spot him. Why, it's the girls of the Gracious Palms! Margie! Minette! And... "the tall high-yellow." It takes several pages, but she's eventually given the name of Beulah. I guess Gris suddenly remembered it.
Heller's there to see some sort of plan come to fruition, a plan he modestly credits to Vantagio, though it's the girls who have done most of the, ah, work, lobbying the UN delegates who visit the Gracious Palms to vote a certain way. And if they vote the wrong way, the girls will, as Minette puts it, "knock zem up!" Or, as Margie puts it better, put the delegates under "sanctions" the next time they visit the whorehouse.
So Heller and the girls go in, and there's an argument over which lucky lady gets to sit in Heller's lap that's only defused when there turns out to be enough seats for everybody, and Gris immediately starts worrying about what Heller's started and what "bill" is going to be voted on: "To bomb the Voltar base? To declare Soltan Gris an international criminal?" The girls and Heller take their seats in the viewing gallery, the delegates come in and give their favorite hookers furtive little waves, and then the voting begins. And with 146 states in favor and 26 abstentions, a new resolution is passed:
And I guess this really is a comedy if something so farcical can come out of the UN. So what, nuclear war is illegal unless you evacuate all the womenfolk from the bombs' targets? Torture is okay if it's not being done to shut up a woman? What if you slap a woman when they aren't talking, so you're not technically making any effort to shut them up? Is it okay to slap a man to shut him up? Or torture him?
But the crowd goes wild, and the women cheer, and they go out in front of the Statue of Peace and link hands in a circle around Heller and dance around him, and I'm not kidding about the dancing in a circle around Heller, it's right there on page 318. Heller deflects their praise and reminds them that the Security Council still has to accept the measure for it to become "the law of the world" (insert laugh track), and refuses to come with them back to the Gracious Palms. Not only that, but he forbids them from even mentioning that they say him. So you can't slap a ho around, but you can still give bitches orders.
When the girls get back to their whorin', Heller talks to a seagull. Again, I'm serious.
Because really, who would dare defy a divided and ineffectual attempt at global governance that relies on volunteer forces to enforce its laws - assuming delegates, to say nothing of the Security Council, can actually agree that they need to be enforced?
On a less sarcastic note, if the UN in this world is actually powerful, why has it been virtually ignored by Rockecenter and his cabal? Why hasn't the Apparatus tried to get its claws into it?
Anyway, all this has got Gris shaking in his boots. If Miss Simmons, the unhinged man-hating apocalyptic hippy woman, suddenly suffers a total personality change as a result of this international legislation, she might help Heller finish college! Plus, Heller just displayed his "raw, naked power" by getting all those women to pressure UN delegates to vote his way! And somehow Heller is also "monopolizing" all the world's females and leaving none for Gris! How can Gris possibly stop an unstoppable juggernaut who he was pretty sure had been stopped a few Parts ago?
The answer comes immediately when Faht Bey buzzes to say the Blixo will be landing that evening.
Oh, good. More slow.
Notice that Gris' thought process is "with luck, the woman I ordered to take this ship will have taken this ship," rather than "with luck, this woman I can't control and am in fact terrified of will do exactly what I think she'll do without any effort on my part."
Back to Chapter Four
Heller's there to see some sort of plan come to fruition, a plan he modestly credits to Vantagio, though it's the girls who have done most of the, ah, work, lobbying the UN delegates who visit the Gracious Palms to vote a certain way. And if they vote the wrong way, the girls will, as Minette puts it, "knock zem up!" Or, as Margie puts it better, put the delegates under "sanctions" the next time they visit the whorehouse.
So Heller and the girls go in, and there's an argument over which lucky lady gets to sit in Heller's lap that's only defused when there turns out to be enough seats for everybody, and Gris immediately starts worrying about what Heller's started and what "bill" is going to be voted on: "To bomb the Voltar base? To declare Soltan Gris an international criminal?" The girls and Heller take their seats in the viewing gallery, the delegates come in and give their favorite hookers furtive little waves, and then the voting begins. And with 146 states in favor and 26 abstentions, a new resolution is passed:
UN Resolution 678-546-452
Hereas and wherewith, it is the wish and will of this, the General Assembly of the United Nations, by all sovereign powers attended, as follows, to wit:
RESOLVED: WOMEN HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO BE THERMONUCLEAR BOMBED AND NOT TO BE FORCED TO SHUT UP BY SLAPPING OR TORTURE.
And I guess this really is a comedy if something so farcical can come out of the UN. So what, nuclear war is illegal unless you evacuate all the womenfolk from the bombs' targets? Torture is okay if it's not being done to shut up a woman? What if you slap a woman when they aren't talking, so you're not technically making any effort to shut them up? Is it okay to slap a man to shut him up? Or torture him?
But the crowd goes wild, and the women cheer, and they go out in front of the Statue of Peace and link hands in a circle around Heller and dance around him, and I'm not kidding about the dancing in a circle around Heller, it's right there on page 318. Heller deflects their praise and reminds them that the Security Council still has to accept the measure for it to become "the law of the world" (insert laugh track), and refuses to come with them back to the Gracious Palms. Not only that, but he forbids them from even mentioning that they say him. So you can't slap a ho around, but you can still give bitches orders.
When the girls get back to their whorin', Heller talks to a seagull. Again, I'm serious.
A seagull was walking near to him. "Well, seagull," he said to it, "with any luck the Security Council will pass it and then you will be safe, too. And Miss Simmons will have to realize that I am on her side."
Because really, who would dare defy a divided and ineffectual attempt at global governance that relies on volunteer forces to enforce its laws - assuming delegates, to say nothing of the Security Council, can actually agree that they need to be enforced?
On a less sarcastic note, if the UN in this world is actually powerful, why has it been virtually ignored by Rockecenter and his cabal? Why hasn't the Apparatus tried to get its claws into it?
Anyway, all this has got Gris shaking in his boots. If Miss Simmons, the unhinged man-hating apocalyptic hippy woman, suddenly suffers a total personality change as a result of this international legislation, she might help Heller finish college! Plus, Heller just displayed his "raw, naked power" by getting all those women to pressure UN delegates to vote his way! And somehow Heller is also "monopolizing" all the world's females and leaving none for Gris! How can Gris possibly stop an unstoppable juggernaut who he was pretty sure had been stopped a few Parts ago?
The answer comes immediately when Faht Bey buzzes to say the Blixo will be landing that evening.
Beautiful relief flooded through me. The Blixo! Of course! With brilliant forethought, I had already solved the very problem I was now faced with!
With luck, the Countess Krak would be on that ship. She'd slaughter Heller for even glancing at another woman! She'd slow him down to a crawl as she had on Voltar!
Oh, good. More slow.
I laughed with delirious delight.
I had it all solved!
Smart brains. My Apparatus professors were oh so very right. I had smart brains!
Notice that Gris' thought process is "with luck, the woman I ordered to take this ship will have taken this ship," rather than "with luck, this woman I can't control and am in fact terrified of will do exactly what I think she'll do without any effort on my part."
Back to Chapter Four
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Part Thirty-Five, Chapter Four - Genuine Imported Turkish Belly Dancers (No Refunds)
Hey, remember when Gris got back to Turkey, and he found out about his crushing credit card debt, and he tried to pay it with his stockpile of transmuted gold bars, only to find that they were painted bars of lead? 'cause Gris doesn't. He hasn't spared the issue a second though, or wondered at what point he was robbed, or who did it. He knows he's poor, but otherwise he's been pretty well distracted by his groin.
So is this plot point going to fall completely by the wayside, never to be revisited? Or is Gris going to suddenly remember it at some point in the next book during some lull in the main plotline, allowing him to spend a Part or two snooping around the base investigating a weeks-old crime, hatching an elaborate scheme to spy on a suspect, botching the scheme, deciding the issue can wait and forgetting about it completely, only for someone to dramatically reveal that they were the culprit much later? (editor's note from the future: I forget the specifics, actually. What happens in the next book does a pretty good job of driving all concern over lead-painted gold from your mind)
Anyway, this chapter. After his disastrous attempt to apply Freudian psychology, he comes to a big decision: "I would stop being true to Utanc." So he meets with... holy crap, the book actually calls him Deplor! Once. He's "the taxi driver" twice, and just "he" for the rest of the two or so pages he appears on. Anyway, Gris has a chat with him about Utanc and the possibility of finding alternative female companionship, only for the taxi driver to explain that the market's fallen out on Soviet girls due to a surge in supply as more and more women hop the Iron Curtain to flee from the rapacious Red Army. Instead, Deplor suggests Gris become a sugar daddy for local women seeking a dowry.
As the helpful cabbie starts to describe a nice limousine that he's sure would attract all the ladies, Gris explains that he's flat broke. The cab driver promptly leaves. Gris gets mad and cleans his room to blow off some steam, which includes putting away all the fake gold bars, and he still doesn't wonder about them! He doesn't get angrier from the reminder that he was robbed! He just puts them away!
He does find some unread mail, though, and aside from an ad promoting Hightee Heller's new musical Bold Prince Caucalsia - could this be foreshadowing? - there's a pair of postcards from the Widow Tayl, chastising him for not writing, reminding Gris that their baby is coming along nicely, and subtlety threatening him with legal action if he doesn't marry her. And Gris panics because as ruthless and murderous the Apparatus is, and as dysfunctional as Voltarian society is, you can get "cashiered for knocking somebody up and not marrying them."
Yes, the Apparatus imprisons people indefinitely without trial, tortures them, executes them, or turns them into circus freaks. But that doesn't mean they don't believe in family values.
So Gris, who never intends to get married, is mad. Mad that Tayl is trying to get him in trouble, mad that her letters advise any eavesdropping young officers to investigate the matter ("in or out of uniform"), mad that she had "automatic (bleeps)" from merely thinking about Jettero Heller, and most of all mad at Prahd for performing the procedure that got the widow pregnant with Gris' child in the first place.
Um... wouldn't that make it easier for you to shoot him? Just saying, if he doesn't legally exist, it should logically be easier to get away with whacking him than it would be otherwise. (edit from the future: also, I think he used this exact "I can't kill him because he's legally dead" statement in an earlier chapter)
Fuming about Tayl fantasizing about Heller leads Gris to start thinking about Heller, specifically how he got Heller away from the Gracious Palms and all the charming young ladies who lived there. So he suddenly laughs at that victory and decides to switch on the HellerVision "and enjoy his discomfiture."
I'm sure a psychologist could try and diagnose what sort of chemical imbalance Gris has that leads his train of thought to leap from track to track like that, but the fact of the matter is that Gris' brain works as the plot dictates. Hubbard needed a segue into another HellerVision chapter, and here it is.
Back to Chapter Three
So is this plot point going to fall completely by the wayside, never to be revisited? Or is Gris going to suddenly remember it at some point in the next book during some lull in the main plotline, allowing him to spend a Part or two snooping around the base investigating a weeks-old crime, hatching an elaborate scheme to spy on a suspect, botching the scheme, deciding the issue can wait and forgetting about it completely, only for someone to dramatically reveal that they were the culprit much later? (editor's note from the future: I forget the specifics, actually. What happens in the next book does a pretty good job of driving all concern over lead-painted gold from your mind)
Anyway, this chapter. After his disastrous attempt to apply Freudian psychology, he comes to a big decision: "I would stop being true to Utanc." So he meets with... holy crap, the book actually calls him Deplor! Once. He's "the taxi driver" twice, and just "he" for the rest of the two or so pages he appears on. Anyway, Gris has a chat with him about Utanc and the possibility of finding alternative female companionship, only for the taxi driver to explain that the market's fallen out on Soviet girls due to a surge in supply as more and more women hop the Iron Curtain to flee from the rapacious Red Army. Instead, Deplor suggests Gris become a sugar daddy for local women seeking a dowry.
As the helpful cabbie starts to describe a nice limousine that he's sure would attract all the ladies, Gris explains that he's flat broke. The cab driver promptly leaves. Gris gets mad and cleans his room to blow off some steam, which includes putting away all the fake gold bars, and he still doesn't wonder about them! He doesn't get angrier from the reminder that he was robbed! He just puts them away!
He does find some unread mail, though, and aside from an ad promoting Hightee Heller's new musical Bold Prince Caucalsia - could this be foreshadowing? - there's a pair of postcards from the Widow Tayl, chastising him for not writing, reminding Gris that their baby is coming along nicely, and subtlety threatening him with legal action if he doesn't marry her. And Gris panics because as ruthless and murderous the Apparatus is, and as dysfunctional as Voltarian society is, you can get "cashiered for knocking somebody up and not marrying them."
Yes, the Apparatus imprisons people indefinitely without trial, tortures them, executes them, or turns them into circus freaks. But that doesn't mean they don't believe in family values.
So Gris, who never intends to get married, is mad. Mad that Tayl is trying to get him in trouble, mad that her letters advise any eavesdropping young officers to investigate the matter ("in or out of uniform"), mad that she had "automatic (bleeps)" from merely thinking about Jettero Heller, and most of all mad at Prahd for performing the procedure that got the widow pregnant with Gris' child in the first place.
(Bleep), (bleep), (BLEEP) Prahd! It was a good thing he was legally dead. Otherwise, I would have shot him out of hand!
Um... wouldn't that make it easier for you to shoot him? Just saying, if he doesn't legally exist, it should logically be easier to get away with whacking him than it would be otherwise. (edit from the future: also, I think he used this exact "I can't kill him because he's legally dead" statement in an earlier chapter)
Fuming about Tayl fantasizing about Heller leads Gris to start thinking about Heller, specifically how he got Heller away from the Gracious Palms and all the charming young ladies who lived there. So he suddenly laughs at that victory and decides to switch on the HellerVision "and enjoy his discomfiture."
I'm sure a psychologist could try and diagnose what sort of chemical imbalance Gris has that leads his train of thought to leap from track to track like that, but the fact of the matter is that Gris' brain works as the plot dictates. Hubbard needed a segue into another HellerVision chapter, and here it is.
Back to Chapter Three
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Part Thirty-Five, Chapter Three - Mission Earth Sordid: Camel Wrecker
Unabridged version here.
Now, Gris started watching HellerVision at around 4:00 in the afternoon. His scheduled five minutes with Utanc starts at 9:00. But there's nothing between him tossing a blanket over the viewer and climbing into bed in anticipation of Sexy Time. So I guess he sat there watching Heller make fake IDs for five hours straight.
Anyway, on to Soltan Gris' Sex Life. The lights are out (at Utanc's insistence), and she comes in and lays down next to Gris, fully clothed as usual. Gris takes her hand, guides it, and Utanc immediately freaks out. First she's not convinced that he hasn't slipped on a "falsie," and then she's furious with him for going from "so God (bleeped) small nobody can even find it!" to "so God (bleeped) big nobody could get it into anything!" And she lies there next to him with a glow-in-the-dark wristwatch, counting down the minutes until she can leave with her credit cards intact.
Gris begs her to reconsider, that maybe an attitude adjustment is all she needs to appreciate his oversized appendage, but the five minutes elapses, Utanc shoves the watch in Gris' face so he knows it, and she leaves in a huff.
In case any men out there are wondering if bigger is indeed better, remember that you can fit a cigar in more places than you can a baseball bat.
So Gris lies there, seething with unfulfilled lust, until he remembers that he bugged Utanc's room. Hoping to catch her sobbing with remorse, he instead listens to her wake up her "little dears," put on some music and sing, followed by a lot of happy noises. And the chapter ends with Gris aching with "unsatisfied desire! All centralized in a very sensitive place!"
Given the content of this chapter, let us once again ponder at the (bleep)ing of the curse words as opposed to all the other things in these books that we could censor.
Back to Chapter Two
Now, Gris started watching HellerVision at around 4:00 in the afternoon. His scheduled five minutes with Utanc starts at 9:00. But there's nothing between him tossing a blanket over the viewer and climbing into bed in anticipation of Sexy Time. So I guess he sat there watching Heller make fake IDs for five hours straight.
Anyway, on to Soltan Gris' Sex Life. The lights are out (at Utanc's insistence), and she comes in and lays down next to Gris, fully clothed as usual. Gris takes her hand, guides it, and Utanc immediately freaks out. First she's not convinced that he hasn't slipped on a "falsie," and then she's furious with him for going from "so God (bleeped) small nobody can even find it!" to "so God (bleeped) big nobody could get it into anything!" And she lies there next to him with a glow-in-the-dark wristwatch, counting down the minutes until she can leave with her credit cards intact.
Gris begs her to reconsider, that maybe an attitude adjustment is all she needs to appreciate his oversized appendage, but the five minutes elapses, Utanc shoves the watch in Gris' face so he knows it, and she leaves in a huff.
"Listen, you (bleepard). I am tired of your tricks! One minute you couldn't even please a flea and the next minute you would wreck a camel! I am going to my room now and don't you bother me again until you decide to be more NORMAL!"
In case any men out there are wondering if bigger is indeed better, remember that you can fit a cigar in more places than you can a baseball bat.
So Gris lies there, seething with unfulfilled lust, until he remembers that he bugged Utanc's room. Hoping to catch her sobbing with remorse, he instead listens to her wake up her "little dears," put on some music and sing, followed by a lot of happy noises. And the chapter ends with Gris aching with "unsatisfied desire! All centralized in a very sensitive place!"
Given the content of this chapter, let us once again ponder at the (bleep)ing of the curse words as opposed to all the other things in these books that we could censor.
Back to Chapter Two
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Part Thirty-Five, Chapter Two - Killing Time
Having scheduled Utanc's "surprise," Gris prepares his chambers for the night's festivities only to find that he doesn't have nearly enough space to store all those new clothes, what with that whole crate of hypnohelmets cluttering up the closet. The safest place to pack up and ship these is of course Prahd's warehouses, because it's not like the doctor has ever done anything drastic without Gris' approval. I'm sure this hasty decision won't come back to haunt Gris later.
That done, it's still well before suppertime, so Gris decides to kill time the old-fashioned way - HellerVision. He finds the book's hero in his Empire State Building offices, playing ball with the cat, who still doesn't have a name and will therefore turn out to be called Destiny or something to make one of Gris' complaints extra ironic. (editor's note from the future: actually, the cat's name will be even dumber than that) Heller advises the cat not to bat around the ball too hard, lest someone "get the idea that you're an extraterrestrial and they'll get you for a Code break." But all of Heller's near-Code breaks concerned him blabbing about alien concepts or terminology, while his own superhuman combat prowess has been accepted without question. So it's a strange recommendation to make, is what I'm saying.
Then Bang-Bang shows up, carrying some photographs Heller had taken, a fluid to remove emulsion, and some exposition. He describes how he's trapped doing his job and afraid to go back to the mob, but he has a few ideas to get "in clover." First is to track down the license plate numbers of every single publisher (not publicist, he says "publisher") in the country, put bombs in their cars, and kill them all. Heller dismisses this as "expensive," instead of saying "crap in a hat, you're proposing mass murder!" Bang-Bang's second idea is to set bombs in the buildings of NBC, CBS, and ABC, then if the fake Whiz Kid goes to one, bring the whole place down on him. Heller objects to this only because "then the reporters would mob me," so presumably he's been wearing his fake glasses and teeth in public to ensure that he looks like the fake Whiz Kid. His plans of indiscriminate carnage dashed, Bang-Bang sticks with his third plan: hitting the scotch with the cat.
I can only wonder what the Big Three networks' acronyms stand for in this terrible setting. Network of Boring Commentary? Clowns Broadcasting Slime? A Bunch of Crap?
With his distractions gone, Heller gets to work, making a pile out of all the IDs he's looted from the corpses of the various thugs and assassins who decided to engage in criminal activity while carrying identifying and incriminating documents on them. Gris belatedly realizes that Heller's killed a whopping forty people, from hoodlums to mobsters to IRS agents, "if, by some stretch of the imagination, you could call IRS agents human." In fact, Gris goes on to deduce, Heller is actually "dangerous!" So Gris resolves to keep Heller under control, then convinces himself that with Madison and Mr. Bury and Rockecenter around, the power of Public Relations has Heller completely neutralized.
So he watches unconcernedly as Heller carefully removes the photos from the various passports and driver's licenses, then sticks in some doctored photos of himself. Though Heller is making an attempt to circumvent the negative publicity attached to the Wister identity and thereby escape Gris' trap right before his eyes, the Apparatus agent dismisses Heller's efforts because all those mobsters and crooks would be in police computers, so they won't do him much good as alternate identities. And since that first step is thwarted, Heller will never, ever take further measures to create a better identity, or keep chugging away at the problem until he overcomes it. Yes, Heller is defeated. Forever.
I wonder where Gris puts himself on this two-rung totem pole. He obviously isn't a superior man, since he nearly starved to death in the very first book, but he continues to look down on "riffraff." Is there an intermediate "lackey" slot for him to fit into?
And I guess the "things fitting into slots" allegory is as good a way as any to segue into the next chapter.
Back to Chapter One
That done, it's still well before suppertime, so Gris decides to kill time the old-fashioned way - HellerVision. He finds the book's hero in his Empire State Building offices, playing ball with the cat, who still doesn't have a name and will therefore turn out to be called Destiny or something to make one of Gris' complaints extra ironic. (editor's note from the future: actually, the cat's name will be even dumber than that) Heller advises the cat not to bat around the ball too hard, lest someone "get the idea that you're an extraterrestrial and they'll get you for a Code break." But all of Heller's near-Code breaks concerned him blabbing about alien concepts or terminology, while his own superhuman combat prowess has been accepted without question. So it's a strange recommendation to make, is what I'm saying.
Then Bang-Bang shows up, carrying some photographs Heller had taken, a fluid to remove emulsion, and some exposition. He describes how he's trapped doing his job and afraid to go back to the mob, but he has a few ideas to get "in clover." First is to track down the license plate numbers of every single publisher (not publicist, he says "publisher") in the country, put bombs in their cars, and kill them all. Heller dismisses this as "expensive," instead of saying "crap in a hat, you're proposing mass murder!" Bang-Bang's second idea is to set bombs in the buildings of NBC, CBS, and ABC, then if the fake Whiz Kid goes to one, bring the whole place down on him. Heller objects to this only because "then the reporters would mob me," so presumably he's been wearing his fake glasses and teeth in public to ensure that he looks like the fake Whiz Kid. His plans of indiscriminate carnage dashed, Bang-Bang sticks with his third plan: hitting the scotch with the cat.
I can only wonder what the Big Three networks' acronyms stand for in this terrible setting. Network of Boring Commentary? Clowns Broadcasting Slime? A Bunch of Crap?
With his distractions gone, Heller gets to work, making a pile out of all the IDs he's looted from the corpses of the various thugs and assassins who decided to engage in criminal activity while carrying identifying and incriminating documents on them. Gris belatedly realizes that Heller's killed a whopping forty people, from hoodlums to mobsters to IRS agents, "if, by some stretch of the imagination, you could call IRS agents human." In fact, Gris goes on to deduce, Heller is actually "dangerous!" So Gris resolves to keep Heller under control, then convinces himself that with Madison and Mr. Bury and Rockecenter around, the power of Public Relations has Heller completely neutralized.
So he watches unconcernedly as Heller carefully removes the photos from the various passports and driver's licenses, then sticks in some doctored photos of himself. Though Heller is making an attempt to circumvent the negative publicity attached to the Wister identity and thereby escape Gris' trap right before his eyes, the Apparatus agent dismisses Heller's efforts because all those mobsters and crooks would be in police computers, so they won't do him much good as alternate identities. And since that first step is thwarted, Heller will never, ever take further measures to create a better identity, or keep chugging away at the problem until he overcomes it. Yes, Heller is defeated. Forever.
He didn't have a prayer!
That would teach him the stupidity of trying to benefit a planet!
Planets and populations exist to be milked by the power elite. Unless one understood that thoroughly, one could do a lot of stupid things like help people.
The Gods put the riffraff there as prey for superior men like Hisst and Rockecenter. And there was very short shift for anyone who thought otherwise.
I hugged myself with glee.
I wonder where Gris puts himself on this two-rung totem pole. He obviously isn't a superior man, since he nearly starved to death in the very first book, but he continues to look down on "riffraff." Is there an intermediate "lackey" slot for him to fit into?
And I guess the "things fitting into slots" allegory is as good a way as any to segue into the next chapter.
Back to Chapter One
Monday, September 3, 2012
Part Thirty-Five, Chapter One - Betting on Freud
Despite the previous chapter revealing that his name is Deplor (as in deplorable!), during his brief appearance in this chapter the taxi driver is only referred to as "the taxi driver." I guess his name only mattered to make that joke, and now that it's over it doesn't need to be used again.
The Taxi Driver Who Has a Name But the Narration Isn't Using It drops Gris off at his house, and helpfully reminds him that all those thousands of dollars of clothing he bought for him are winter outfits, so he'll have to make a lot of new purchases come spring. Gris lets the man dream instead of explaining that he'll be executed long before then due to his credit problems. Then he has a heartwarming reunion with the woman he loves.
Gris proceeds to patiently have a talk about credit cards, and asks if Utanc could possibly return some of her purchases. She's disappointed that he isn't a bottomless well of income, but blames herself for not looking him up in Dunn and Bradstreet before putting herself up for auction. Gris is sympathetic, since after all "as a wild desert girl, she lacked facilities to establish credit ratings."
If only Prahd would make his patients' brains bigger instead of focusing his attention on their crotches.
While Utanc wonders aloud whether she could somehow turn Gris in to pay off some of her debt, Gris gets one of his Sudden Realizations - why, she's upset with him because of sexual dissatisfaction! Even though she isn't really that upset with him right now. At any rate, according to Gris' understanding of Freud, all he has to do to make everything better is get Utanc in the sack with him. So he invites her to his room that evening, promising a "wonderful surprise." "A big one," in fact.
Utanc considers the proposition, and suggests a compromise: she'll go to Gris' room that night - "just that and nothing more implied" - if he agrees to let her keep her credit cards and purchases.
Immediately after having a doctor explain just how wrong Earth psychology has got things, and after a string of incidents in which Gris' understanding of psychology has utterly failed to benefit him - most recently his attempts to psychoanalyze Miss Pinch - Gris is still counting on it to make what he wants to happen, happen.
I just had a horrible vision of the next six books being me pointing out this idiocy over and over again. (edit from the future: what, that's so much worse than me spending the previous four books pointing out Gris' idiocy over and over again?)
Gris promises that if Utanc lies down on his bed with him for just five minutes that night, she can keep her stuff. She agrees and leaves the room, and Gris does a dance of joy, convinced that the power of his mighty new dong will forever banish any thoughts of credit cards and imported clothing from Utanc's mind, allowing him to return all the goods and tear up the credit cards.
That is the power of Freudian psychology: nothing less than psychic domination.
Back to Part Thirty-Four, Chapter Nine
The Taxi Driver Who Has a Name But the Narration Isn't Using It drops Gris off at his house, and helpfully reminds him that all those thousands of dollars of clothing he bought for him are winter outfits, so he'll have to make a lot of new purchases come spring. Gris lets the man dream instead of explaining that he'll be executed long before then due to his credit problems. Then he has a heartwarming reunion with the woman he loves.
"Oh," [Utanc] said in what must have been relief. "It's only you!"
"I'm just back from the hospital," I said.
"Oh. Is that where you've been? What are you doing coming around here and scaring people to death? I thought you were a commissar or someone important at first."
Gris proceeds to patiently have a talk about credit cards, and asks if Utanc could possibly return some of her purchases. She's disappointed that he isn't a bottomless well of income, but blames herself for not looking him up in Dunn and Bradstreet before putting herself up for auction. Gris is sympathetic, since after all "as a wild desert girl, she lacked facilities to establish credit ratings."
If only Prahd would make his patients' brains bigger instead of focusing his attention on their crotches.
While Utanc wonders aloud whether she could somehow turn Gris in to pay off some of her debt, Gris gets one of his Sudden Realizations - why, she's upset with him because of sexual dissatisfaction! Even though she isn't really that upset with him right now. At any rate, according to Gris' understanding of Freud, all he has to do to make everything better is get Utanc in the sack with him. So he invites her to his room that evening, promising a "wonderful surprise." "A big one," in fact.
Utanc considers the proposition, and suggests a compromise: she'll go to Gris' room that night - "just that and nothing more implied" - if he agrees to let her keep her credit cards and purchases.
I did a very rapid calculation. There was no doubt whatever in my mind that once she found what I had now, all thoughts of jewelry and credit cards would vanish. Freud cannot be wrong. Sex is the basis of every tiny impulse, everything in fact. If I could just get her in my room for one hour, after that she would be totally content to live the rest of her life with me in poverty if need be.
Immediately after having a doctor explain just how wrong Earth psychology has got things, and after a string of incidents in which Gris' understanding of psychology has utterly failed to benefit him - most recently his attempts to psychoanalyze Miss Pinch - Gris is still counting on it to make what he wants to happen, happen.
I just had a horrible vision of the next six books being me pointing out this idiocy over and over again. (edit from the future: what, that's so much worse than me spending the previous four books pointing out Gris' idiocy over and over again?)
Gris promises that if Utanc lies down on his bed with him for just five minutes that night, she can keep her stuff. She agrees and leaves the room, and Gris does a dance of joy, convinced that the power of his mighty new dong will forever banish any thoughts of credit cards and imported clothing from Utanc's mind, allowing him to return all the goods and tear up the credit cards.
That is the power of Freudian psychology: nothing less than psychic domination.
Back to Part Thirty-Four, Chapter Nine
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