Once he's done chortling about the unholy alliance of psychiatry and litigation, Gris turns his attention back to the viewscreen, finding Heller moping in the shadow of a statue of Giovanni de Verrazzano, one of the earliest European explorers of the North American coast. Heller chats with the statue in Voltarian and sympathizes with the long-dead man after reading the plaque about Verrazzano's death at the hands of cannibals, then continues to conveniently talk aloud to himself and wonders where Izzy's at.
Gris acts! Since Heller's obviously waiting around to meet someone, he calls the police and tells Inspector Grafferty to get over to the park and arrest Heller! That done, he settles down to watch Heller, waiting for the cops to show up. Thrill as you watch a guy watch a guy!
Izzy shows up to report that the cops have padlocked and staked out Heller's offices, the private investigators still haven't found any sign of Krak, but Bang-Bang is offering to steal a helicopter so Heller can make his escape to Brazil, where there are no lawyers, only ants. When Heller of course refuses to stay behind and search for Krak, Izzy hands over a wad of thousand-dollar bills courtesy of the time-telescope stock market cheating device.
Why hasn't Gris gotten Izzy arrested? The guy seems to still be able to operate, so even if you seize Heller's personal assets, Izzy's still accumulating a pile of money Heller will be able to use. This is the second time he's watched the accountant throw money at Heller, but Gris has had absolutely no reaction to it.
Izzy leaves, Gris goes to a run-down bar called the Stockbroker, advertising a "Suicide Special," an alternative to throwing yourself out a window when the Dow crashes. He buys a 7-Up - excuse me, "Seven Up" - with a thousand-dollar bill and asks to use the dingy restroom. He uses an Earth razor rather than a "spin razor," and cuts himself twice. He uses space lotion and a cellology light to heal his face. He uses a "spin brush" to clean his teeth. Gris gets fed up and calls Grafferty's office again, urging the cops to hurry along. Remember, this is supposed to be tense and exciting, not achingly dull.
Gris goes back to watching Heller change clothes. Heller is annoyed that he can't get proper engineer gloves. He leaves the washroom, asks to use the place's phone, and calls the Red Cab Company, telling them to get Mortie Massacurovitch over to him right away. You remember, the guy who taught Heller to drive waaay back in Book Two.
The friendly bartender thinks this is all part of some insider trading scheme, and Heller grimly replies that he's "going to make a killing." Gris gets nervous. Mortie shows up with bandages around his eyes from when a "dumb spick hit me in the face with a load of mace." Using "damned" after the word "God" earns a (bleep) from the censor, but not ethnic slurs.
Heller drives Mortie off, and the two come up with a plan to call all the cab companies to see which one sent a fleet of taxis to carry off Krak and her luggage at a certain time. Heller finally learns that she went to Hudson Harbor. Gris calls Graffery's men again to update them on the fugitive's location, and tells them to get moving.
Look, it takes awhile for an exciting chase scene to start, alright? You gotta spend seven and a half pages building up the tension by having a guy order a soft drink and shave.
Back to Chapter Two
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Part Forty-Nine, Chapter Two - Beauty is Aryan
So having suddenly decided to use Dr. Crobe to defeat Krak and Heller once and for all, Gris calls up the lawyers he so recently tipped off to stop Krak and Heller once and for all. They proudly announce that they've put out a warrant for bigamy that will put the Whiz Kid in jail, where they can squeeze him for everything he's got. Because this is a work of subtle satire, they go into detail about how common this is.
Notice what mode of transportation they omitted.
That's not enough for Gris, though. No, he commands the lawyers to add an order to have Heller sent to Bellevue for a mental examination. The lawyer's impressed.
In an amazing coincidence, L. Ron Hubbard went through a bigamous marriage of his own that led to newspapers calling him insane. His (second) wife's divorce suit involved accusations of beatings, sleep deprivation, kidnappings, and urges for her to commit suicide. She eventually did settle and signed a statement Hubbard wrote declaring that he was a "fine and brilliant man" in order to get custody of their daughter.
That's enough history, let's get casually racist.
Yeah, this white guy's too pretty. Make him black, that'll stop the nurses from falling for him.
Gris remains on a roll. He adds a description of the Whiz Kid's "gun moll," Miss Heavenly Joy Krackle, a real fiend. The lawyer readies some trumped-up conspiracy charges to get her imprisoned until she cooperates, and Gris makes sure Krak's to be sent to Bellevue too, only with a mask on, since her face "has been known to turn men to stone!"
This idiocy is of course to prevent Dr. Crobe from recognizing the people he's mortally afraid of. But Gris isn't completely certain his precautions will be enough. So he adds an order that Dr. Phetus P. Crobe is not to see them. Under absolutely no circumstance is for Dr. Crobe to see the Whiz Kid and Miss Krackle. Very explicitly spell that out. They're to be assigned to the same mental hospital as him, but he is not to see them. Got it?
Gris, honey? If you want to keep Krak and Heller from meeting Crobe, send them to a different hospital. It really is that simple. You don't have to go through blackface or gorgon masks or anything.
The book's villain is confident that Heller and Krak (wherever she is) are now doomed to life in a mental institution, where they'll be dropped off "drugged, placed in electric-shock machines and ruined for the rest of their lives." Which of course would cause Heller to miss his next mission report, causing Voltar to grow suspicious and send an investigation that would blow the lid off the whole Apparatus conspiracy to use Earth drugs to take over the Confederacy.
Does anyone in this stupid book still remember that subplot?
Good question! So, Hubbard, why did you waste a third of this book with a necrophiliac hitman who utterly failed at his mission?
Is it really a "liaison" when you were the one who suggested adding the psychiatry angle? Really, this is the first time the two professions have mixed.
Back to Chapter One
"You may have trouble arresting him."
"Oh, I think not," said Ambo. "We have connections in the police and we will now have every airport and bus station and train depot watched.
Notice what mode of transportation they omitted.
They try to run when they get hit this hard. So we'll pick him up, throw him in the can and make him squirm. Standard legal procedure. The old routine shakedown. Sue them civilly, trump up something criminal and then bleed them to death. Routine."
That's not enough for Gris, though. No, he commands the lawyers to add an order to have Heller sent to Bellevue for a mental examination. The lawyer's impressed.
"Oh, wonderful! That implies that, committing bigamy, he is irresponsible and of unsound mind and we can be appointed executors of his estate, split it up amongst ourselves and be rich! This is wonderful."
In an amazing coincidence, L. Ron Hubbard went through a bigamous marriage of his own that led to newspapers calling him insane. His (second) wife's divorce suit involved accusations of beatings, sleep deprivation, kidnappings, and urges for her to commit suicide. She eventually did settle and signed a statement Hubbard wrote declaring that he was a "fine and brilliant man" in order to get custody of their daughter.
That's enough history, let's get casually racist.
"In that order," I said, "specify that as his face is too attractive, it might pervert nurses and so it is to be blackened."
Yeah, this white guy's too pretty. Make him black, that'll stop the nurses from falling for him.
"Nothing easier. You can write anything in a court order. Then all you have to do is get the judge to sign it and he never reads what he signs. An absolutely novel idea. Will make good press, too. Gives the whole thing a sinister ring. You can't win these things, you know, unless you try them first in the press."
Gris remains on a roll. He adds a description of the Whiz Kid's "gun moll," Miss Heavenly Joy Krackle, a real fiend. The lawyer readies some trumped-up conspiracy charges to get her imprisoned until she cooperates, and Gris makes sure Krak's to be sent to Bellevue too, only with a mask on, since her face "has been known to turn men to stone!"
This idiocy is of course to prevent Dr. Crobe from recognizing the people he's mortally afraid of. But Gris isn't completely certain his precautions will be enough. So he adds an order that Dr. Phetus P. Crobe is not to see them. Under absolutely no circumstance is for Dr. Crobe to see the Whiz Kid and Miss Krackle. Very explicitly spell that out. They're to be assigned to the same mental hospital as him, but he is not to see them. Got it?
Gris, honey? If you want to keep Krak and Heller from meeting Crobe, send them to a different hospital. It really is that simple. You don't have to go through blackface or gorgon masks or anything.
The book's villain is confident that Heller and Krak (wherever she is) are now doomed to life in a mental institution, where they'll be dropped off "drugged, placed in electric-shock machines and ruined for the rest of their lives." Which of course would cause Heller to miss his next mission report, causing Voltar to grow suspicious and send an investigation that would blow the lid off the whole Apparatus conspiracy to use Earth drugs to take over the Confederacy.
Does anyone in this stupid book still remember that subplot?
The courts and the law and psychiatry were a priceless team. Why had I bothered to hire a hit man when I had them at my beck and call?
Good question! So, Hubbard, why did you waste a third of this book with a necrophiliac hitman who utterly failed at his mission?
How could I miss? If Heller was not caught at once, he might find Krak and if he found Krak he might bring her straight into this morass the lawyers had made so they could become rich. It was a bottomless pit and would swallow them both! With a grinning gulp! Bless the Earth legal-psychiatric liaison! It might be totally insane but, good Gods, was it useful to the power elite!
Is it really a "liaison" when you were the one who suggested adding the psychiatry angle? Really, this is the first time the two professions have mixed.
Back to Chapter One
Monday, March 4, 2013
Part Forty-Nine, Chapter One - Snakes on a Brain
Let's meet a horrible new character and check on a horrible old character.
Now, this is all supposedly the jailhouse confession of Solton Gris, written well after all the events of Mission Earth have occurred. He's thinking back and telling us how he felt when it all was happening. Only in this case, he's thinking back to the morning when he was thinking back to the night before. He's remembering the time he remembered something instead of just remembering that something. It seems a very odd narrative decision, that's what I'm getting at.
I'm stalling. Meet Teenie.
Wonder if this character is based on someone, like the whole Rockecenter thing? Vaguely horrifying thought. "Well, the good news is that you're sorta in a book..."
Rockecenter has the planet by the short and curlies and he's paying somebody to lick stamps. I'm assuming this is meant to show how he can afford to be stupid with his money, rather than making the reader question how he's still in business.
And so the main character proceeds to bitch about having rough sex with a fifteen-year-old. All that scratching, weird phrases like "Ride 'em, cowboy!" Gris decides to reassure himself by counting out his paycheck, but finds himself wondering if it was really worth what he went through to get it. He panics, worries that he's entering a state of "hypernegation," which would be Krak and Heller's fault, so Gris starts worrying about Krak and Heller, and how Heller might suspect him (a reasonable concern), or how Krak might hunt him down and sic Crobe on Gris (what?). Then Gris remembers that he hasn't checked on Crobe in a while and does so.
Crobe is addressing an audience of "evident psychiatrists" - so evident that the author feels no need to explain how you can tell at a glance whether a someone is a psychiatrist. He's got a patient strapped down, with a snake is sticking out of the poor guy's skull. Gris immediately recognizes that Crobe is back to his old grafting tricks, while the evident psychiatrists are enthralled at this breakthrough on how you can stimulate the reptile brain to grow with Crobe's new wonderdrug.
The assembled evident psychiatrists immediately nominate Crobe for Psychiatric Genius of the Year, but wait, there's more!
So the goal of psychiatry is to achieve peace and quiet by killing mental patients. They've spent years screwing around with pills and electroshock and homosexual indoctrination, but it takes an alien with a fluctuating accent to remind everyone that a knife works a lot faster.
The press and mental health physicians swamp Crobe to congratulate him, while Gris turns off the viewer, blaming Krak and Heller for forcing him to bring Crobe over. He's gripped by a "sudden rage" as he thinks of a way he could use this to his advantage, then immediately cheers up at the thought of sending one of his enemies to suffer at the hands of a man who makes snakes grow out of people's skulls. Gris is confident that he'll think of some way of circumventing that whole "freak out at the sight of Heller" programming that Krak put Crobe under.
I thought the whole point of the last few chapters was that Heller and Krak had suffered devastating blows? There's nothing to really strike back against. Krak's run off and Heller is threatening to destroy immigrants' livelihood.
Still, at least Gris is taking what passes for a proactive stance for him, rather than sitting around hoping that things will go his way. I'm sure he'll still find a way to botch things, of course.
Back to Part Forty-Eight, Chapter Six
Now, this is all supposedly the jailhouse confession of Solton Gris, written well after all the events of Mission Earth have occurred. He's thinking back and telling us how he felt when it all was happening. Only in this case, he's thinking back to the morning when he was thinking back to the night before. He's remembering the time he remembered something instead of just remembering that something. It seems a very odd narrative decision, that's what I'm getting at.
I'm stalling. Meet Teenie.
One of the candidates for sexual reeducation last night had been a thin thing, mostly bones. In addition to an immature body, her breasts had not yet developed fully. I speculated on her age: she must have been fourteen or fifteen at the most. Someday she would be good-looking, maybe, but right now her eyes were too big and round and her oversized mouth was far too large for her face. She wore her light brown hair in a ponytail. She chewed bubble gum with very loud satisfaction.
Wonder if this character is based on someone, like the whole Rockecenter thing? Vaguely horrifying thought. "Well, the good news is that you're sorta in a book..."
Her name was Teenie and her job was licking stamps in Rockecenter's Medical Association Control Department. I gathered that she had not been on the job very long, had come straight out of some psychology sex-education group in grade school and had not been wholly converted to Psychiatric Birth Control yet. So, according to Adora, it was important that pains be taken with her: my pains of course!
Rockecenter has the planet by the short and curlies and he's paying somebody to lick stamps. I'm assuming this is meant to show how he can afford to be stupid with his money, rather than making the reader question how he's still in business.
Last night Teenie had certainly expressed her enthusiasm for reeducation! But "enthusiasm" is too mild a word for it. She had been all over the place with me! ACTIVE! And the others had just smiled indulgently
And so the main character proceeds to bitch about having rough sex with a fifteen-year-old. All that scratching, weird phrases like "Ride 'em, cowboy!" Gris decides to reassure himself by counting out his paycheck, but finds himself wondering if it was really worth what he went through to get it. He panics, worries that he's entering a state of "hypernegation," which would be Krak and Heller's fault, so Gris starts worrying about Krak and Heller, and how Heller might suspect him (a reasonable concern), or how Krak might hunt him down and sic Crobe on Gris (what?). Then Gris remembers that he hasn't checked on Crobe in a while and does so.
Crobe is addressing an audience of "evident psychiatrists" - so evident that the author feels no need to explain how you can tell at a glance whether a someone is a psychiatrist. He's got a patient strapped down, with a snake is sticking out of the poor guy's skull. Gris immediately recognizes that Crobe is back to his old grafting tricks, while the evident psychiatrists are enthralled at this breakthrough on how you can stimulate the reptile brain to grow with Crobe's new wonderdrug.
"Zo!" cried Crobe with a flourish, "you dgentmens iss zo right! Dere iss a reptile brain. Man runs on de reptile brain. It iss the zource which makes man zo evil! Zychiatric zience iss right!"
The assembled evident psychiatrists immediately nominate Crobe for Psychiatric Genius of the Year, but wait, there's more!
"Zis patient coom here zuffering from inanity [sic, joke?]. By feeding Drug 32, I 'ave brought de cause to light. Now, right beefoor yer eyes, I vill CURE de patient!"
The emotional-scale letters of the viewer said:
GLEE
The hall hushed. Crobe took a huge knife from the table. He flourished it. It whistled through the air.
THUNK!
It severed the snake from the skull!
Blood spurted all over the place!
The patient went into death seizures!
He died.
The letters on Crobe's viewer flashed:
PLEASURE
Crobe's voice rang out in triumph. "You zee? De end product uf psychiatry 'as been attained. ZE PATIENT ISS QUIET!"
Thunderous applause broke out. The psychiatrists were on their feet in a standing ovation!
So the goal of psychiatry is to achieve peace and quiet by killing mental patients. They've spent years screwing around with pills and electroshock and homosexual indoctrination, but it takes an alien with a fluctuating accent to remind everyone that a knife works a lot faster.
The press and mental health physicians swamp Crobe to congratulate him, while Gris turns off the viewer, blaming Krak and Heller for forcing him to bring Crobe over. He's gripped by a "sudden rage" as he thinks of a way he could use this to his advantage, then immediately cheers up at the thought of sending one of his enemies to suffer at the hands of a man who makes snakes grow out of people's skulls. Gris is confident that he'll think of some way of circumventing that whole "freak out at the sight of Heller" programming that Krak put Crobe under.
I had all the resources in the world. Rockecenter's influence permeated everything and it was at my fingertips whenever I cared to use it.
I would strike back!
I thought the whole point of the last few chapters was that Heller and Krak had suffered devastating blows? There's nothing to really strike back against. Krak's run off and Heller is threatening to destroy immigrants' livelihood.
Still, at least Gris is taking what passes for a proactive stance for him, rather than sitting around hoping that things will go his way. I'm sure he'll still find a way to botch things, of course.
Back to Part Forty-Eight, Chapter Six
Friday, March 1, 2013
Part Forty-Eight, Chapter Six - No Hero to His Valet
Gris starts off the chapter by deflecting responsibility for his situation.
Gris crawls out of his room in time to catch his wives as they head to work, asks for money, and gets thrown seven dollars. He tries to treat his hangover with some water, aspirin and champagne, then settles down to watch Heller's adventures in the American legal system.
Heller's breakfasted is interrupted by another legal attack ("Well, kick them out." "I can't, sir. There's police with them and they've got guns.") The Shabby Man In The Shabby Coat With A Shabby Hat serves Heller a seizure order, nabbing all his financial assets as if it were illegal to hide money behind a false identity! Absolutely outrageous! Again, they chew him out for pulling a gun on a lawyer, even though the author never actually showed it happening. Police Inspector Grafferty's along too, and thinks he recognizes Heller from a sex offender lineup a few years ago, rather than a restaurant where Heller smeared pasta sauce all over the officer's face in front of his favorite actors.
Man, that was a stupid chapter.
So Heller's broke, homeless, carless, and even his staff are leery of interacting with him for fear of getting sucked into his legal troubles. All those wonderful things that fell into his lap without any real effort on his part have been taken away from him! How devastating. Especially that nice apartment he got all of ten chapters ago, that might be the most painful loss of all.
Gris watches Heller wander around New York, stop in the shadow of the Empire State Building, and scribble a note "so fast I could not follow it." I'd ask why a slow-mo replay is impossible, but it doesn't matter - all he's doing is passing on a note to Izzy, so this "mystery" lasts less than a page. While he waits for his friend to arrive, Heller kills time in a restaurant.
Robert E. Lee once said "The power which the strong have over the weak, the employer over the employed, the educated over the unlettered, the experienced over the confiding, even the clever over the silly — the forbearing or inoffensive use of all this power or authority, or a total abstinence from it when the case admits it, will show the gentleman in a plain light." Sirius Black of the Harry Potter books put it a little simpler: "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
The heroic Japanese waiter stands firm and generously allows Heller to sit, but refuses to serve him anything. Unlike back in Chapter Three, Gris is able to appreciate and respond to Heller's miserable situation, and claims that it even helps cure his hangover. Eventually Izzy shows up - Heller explains he was all secretive and passed his note via third party because he's noticed that "people seem to know where I am and where I go." Gris has absolutely no reaction to this comment.
Izzy and Heller talk about the current situation, and we get more scathing satire of the legal system - "This can't be very legal." "Well, legal is whatever the lawyers say it is." Izzy assures him he's taking the case to one of the fastest lawyers in town, so it might get resolved in a matter of months. He also reports that the private detectives Heller evidently hired off-camera have yet to find any sign of the Countess Krak. Heller again worries about "That poor kid." I start to worry about Krak's age, given the amount of ephebophilia in this wretched series.
In other news, well, Izzy shows Heller a newspaper screaming "WHIZ KID BIGAMIST SECOND WIFE SUES FOR DIVORCE." Apparently the Whiz Kid was in Mexico posing as a revolutionary and fell for a local girl, but their (bleeping) got her "jealous burro" braying so a priest found out and made them get married. I suddenly realize I am reading a crappy story within a crappy story and feel a rush of vertigo. Izzy has to explain that no, they can't throw this new girl in jail.
Izzy does toss Heller a wad of money (causing a waiter to arrive with two glasses of water. Heller says nothing.) so he can run to Brazil, like he first suggested back in... Book Three, I think? But Heller resolutely says he's got to find his girl.
And even though this seems a logical point to end the chapter, there's three and a half pages more.
Gris tries to get some sleep, but his headache and a nagging worry that won't go away keep him up. Then his wives come home, he asks for money, and they call a meaning to explain the situation. They give him invoices and open the safe for him, and Gris eagerly dives into the piles of money. "There must be $65,000 here or more!"
But then the former Miss Pinch drops her bombshell, before Gris gets any ideas about trying to run off with his money. See, by marrying not one but two women, Gris has committed the crime of bigamy! That's why Gris has been worried these past few chapters, he's been reading all about the Whiz Kid's bigamy fiasco without realizing that it also applies to him! He's that stupid!
So Gris is horrified and the horrible women laugh at him and order him to take a shower.
Y'know, the first time Gris got brutalized by Candy and Pinch, he tried to kill them and solve his problem that way. The thought doesn't even occur to him now. Guess marriage does change a man.
So, back to the subplot where Gris has sex with lesbians until they turn straight. Oh, and we'll check in with our old friend, Dr. Crobe.
Back to Part Forty-Eight, Chapter Five
Never drink alcohol and smoke pot at the same time.
The result can be near fatal, as I found out when I awoke to another terrible day.
Gris crawls out of his room in time to catch his wives as they head to work, asks for money, and gets thrown seven dollars. He tries to treat his hangover with some water, aspirin and champagne, then settles down to watch Heller's adventures in the American legal system.
Heller's breakfasted is interrupted by another legal attack ("Well, kick them out." "I can't, sir. There's police with them and they've got guns.") The Shabby Man In The Shabby Coat With A Shabby Hat serves Heller a seizure order, nabbing all his financial assets as if it were illegal to hide money behind a false identity! Absolutely outrageous! Again, they chew him out for pulling a gun on a lawyer, even though the author never actually showed it happening. Police Inspector Grafferty's along too, and thinks he recognizes Heller from a sex offender lineup a few years ago, rather than a restaurant where Heller smeared pasta sauce all over the officer's face in front of his favorite actors.
Man, that was a stupid chapter.
So Heller's broke, homeless, carless, and even his staff are leery of interacting with him for fear of getting sucked into his legal troubles. All those wonderful things that fell into his lap without any real effort on his part have been taken away from him! How devastating. Especially that nice apartment he got all of ten chapters ago, that might be the most painful loss of all.
Gris watches Heller wander around New York, stop in the shadow of the Empire State Building, and scribble a note "so fast I could not follow it." I'd ask why a slow-mo replay is impossible, but it doesn't matter - all he's doing is passing on a note to Izzy, so this "mystery" lasts less than a page. While he waits for his friend to arrive, Heller kills time in a restaurant.
Robert E. Lee once said "The power which the strong have over the weak, the employer over the employed, the educated over the unlettered, the experienced over the confiding, even the clever over the silly — the forbearing or inoffensive use of all this power or authority, or a total abstinence from it when the case admits it, will show the gentleman in a plain light." Sirius Black of the Harry Potter books put it a little simpler: "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
Heller went up the street to the Sukiyaki Bar and Grill. He went in.
A Japanese came over.
"Give me a glass of water," said Heller.
"You no order food? You no order drink?"
"Give me a glass of water," said Heller.
"I'm most sorry, we don't serve water. If you broke, go to Salvation Army soup kitchen."
"You like this place?" said Heller.
"Yes."
"You don't want this place wrecked?"
"NO, sir!"
"Then bring me a glass of water."
The heroic Japanese waiter stands firm and generously allows Heller to sit, but refuses to serve him anything. Unlike back in Chapter Three, Gris is able to appreciate and respond to Heller's miserable situation, and claims that it even helps cure his hangover. Eventually Izzy shows up - Heller explains he was all secretive and passed his note via third party because he's noticed that "people seem to know where I am and where I go." Gris has absolutely no reaction to this comment.
Izzy and Heller talk about the current situation, and we get more scathing satire of the legal system - "This can't be very legal." "Well, legal is whatever the lawyers say it is." Izzy assures him he's taking the case to one of the fastest lawyers in town, so it might get resolved in a matter of months. He also reports that the private detectives Heller evidently hired off-camera have yet to find any sign of the Countess Krak. Heller again worries about "That poor kid." I start to worry about Krak's age, given the amount of ephebophilia in this wretched series.
In other news, well, Izzy shows Heller a newspaper screaming "WHIZ KID BIGAMIST SECOND WIFE SUES FOR DIVORCE." Apparently the Whiz Kid was in Mexico posing as a revolutionary and fell for a local girl, but their (bleeping) got her "jealous burro" braying so a priest found out and made them get married. I suddenly realize I am reading a crappy story within a crappy story and feel a rush of vertigo. Izzy has to explain that no, they can't throw this new girl in jail.
Izzy does toss Heller a wad of money (causing a waiter to arrive with two glasses of water. Heller says nothing.) so he can run to Brazil, like he first suggested back in... Book Three, I think? But Heller resolutely says he's got to find his girl.
The Japanese came over. "You order now?"
"I'm going to order somebody vaporized before this is through," said Heller. He walked out. He was looking up and down the street, as though by that he could locate the Countess Krak.
I was jolted. I had never heard him sound so cross before. Did he mean me?
Nervously, I threw the blanket over the viewer. Irrationally, I thought he might look back through it and see me.
And even though this seems a logical point to end the chapter, there's three and a half pages more.
Gris tries to get some sleep, but his headache and a nagging worry that won't go away keep him up. Then his wives come home, he asks for money, and they call a meaning to explain the situation. They give him invoices and open the safe for him, and Gris eagerly dives into the piles of money. "There must be $65,000 here or more!"
But then the former Miss Pinch drops her bombshell, before Gris gets any ideas about trying to run off with his money. See, by marrying not one but two women, Gris has committed the crime of bigamy! That's why Gris has been worried these past few chapters, he's been reading all about the Whiz Kid's bigamy fiasco without realizing that it also applies to him! He's that stupid!
So Gris is horrified and the horrible women laugh at him and order him to take a shower.
"Why?" I pleaded. I had had enough horror today.
"Why?" she mimicked. Then her eyes narrowed and she poked her face very close to mine, for all the world like Lombar. Her voice became very deadly indeed. "You can stop your underhanded, chauvinistic machinations right now! By plying us with champagne and pot on our wedding night and then refusing to do your duty, you thought you could throw us back into lesbianism. You tried to make me break my sacred vow to crush Psychiatric Birth Control forever! Well, buster, you did NOT succeed!"
She slapped at my side just like Lombar. "It was NO good! You only confirmed my determination! Two lesbians will arrive in the next half hour and they'll be two ex-lesbians when we're through. And no more tricks to wreck the program! No more whining about them being dead!"
Y'know, the first time Gris got brutalized by Candy and Pinch, he tried to kill them and solve his problem that way. The thought doesn't even occur to him now. Guess marriage does change a man.
Defeated utterly, I began to crawl out of my clothes. I felt terribly confused. I kept thinking I did not want to have sex with Dolores Wister nee Pubiano de Cópula's burro. But there was nothing I could do about it!
Belatedly, I started screaming. I hate burros!
So, back to the subplot where Gris has sex with lesbians until they turn straight. Oh, and we'll check in with our old friend, Dr. Crobe.
Back to Part Forty-Eight, Chapter Five
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Part Forty-Eight, Chapter Five - The Honeymoons
A reader familiar with Western wedding traditions no doubt noticed something highly unusual last chapter - there was no bachelorette party beforehand! Fortunately, the wives decide to indulge in their bacchanal after the wedding. A little unorthodox, but the important thing is the drunken debauchery.
Gris and the girls return to the apartment in which he departed that morning "a free man," finding it bedecked with garlands and seashells and sea foam and other symbols of Aphrodite, along with a pair of guests: brown-haired Curly, "a not bad looking thirty" in a "combat jacket," and the willowy Sippy wrapped in transparent gauze. They play the wedding march and break out the cake and champagne even though Gris just wants his money.
Mrs. Bey and Mrs. Bey put their hands over Gris' as they cut the cake, which of course features two brides and a groom - the latter figure even topples over when the confection is sliced, which Gris takes as an omen. More champagne, mixed with marijuana.
It is pretty hilarious. When I read about that "limp dishrag" I sure fell out of my chair laughing. Also, back in Book Three, Rockecenter was specifically doing pregnancy checks, not virginity tests. It involved watching women go to the toilet.
Things get even more confusing when Gris again tries to get some money out of Mrs. Bey nee Pinch, only to be told that they have to consummate the marriage, otherwise it isn't legal. All the girls rage at Gris for trying to annul his marriage(s), he protests that they were refusing to have sex with him due to fear of miscarriage earlier-
They're chugging champagne and smoking pot while pregnant.
-but the former Miss Candy points out that "We've got two virgins here, just for the purpose of consummation!" Because you don't count as married until you consummate it (which has horrifying implications for that marriage at the end of Battlefield Earth), and you can't consummate a marriage unless the woman you consummate it with is a virgin (the man's chastity doesn't matter, of course), but the woman you consummate your marriage with doesn't have to be the woman you actually married, and you can't pee if you're pregnant.
Figuring out this book's logic is like watching a plane fly sideways.
Things get heated and champagne glasses get thrown at Gris until he hides under the sofa and yells that of course he wants to be married to them, and certainly doesn't think they're monsters, nor did he marry them only for their money. So the girls get on with their consummation.
Must be something about harmonics and vibrations that routinely makes objects in Mission Earth explode or fly off the walls or mantle during lovemaking.
Gris, feeling strangely "like a fifth wheel," goes to bed and has a nightmare in which he's pretending to be Heller pretending to be the marriage license clerk stamping on a coffin containing "Soltan Gris" to marry the Manco Devil to Lombar Hisst with Rockecenter on hand as the best man. Or in other words, the surreal nightmares the author comes up with make just as much sense as the rest of the plot.
And the answer is a resounding "No! This happened to me because I am balefully stupid, easily manipulated, terminally lazy, but most importantly of all, balefully stupid, I cannot stress my lack of intelligence enough."
That seems to be the recurring theme of Mission Earth, yes. The author keeps finding new depths to plumb. Chapter after next, we meet Teenie.
Back to Chapter Four
Gris and the girls return to the apartment in which he departed that morning "a free man," finding it bedecked with garlands and seashells and sea foam and other symbols of Aphrodite, along with a pair of guests: brown-haired Curly, "a not bad looking thirty" in a "combat jacket," and the willowy Sippy wrapped in transparent gauze. They play the wedding march and break out the cake and champagne even though Gris just wants his money.
Mrs. Bey and Mrs. Bey put their hands over Gris' as they cut the cake, which of course features two brides and a groom - the latter figure even topples over when the confection is sliced, which Gris takes as an omen. More champagne, mixed with marijuana.
They were getting quite drunk and stoned. Curly did an impression of Rockecenter at his last personnel inspection, making sure that Sippy was still a virgin and when Curly produced a limp dishrag, for some reason it sent them all rolling on the floor with glee, holding their sides.
It is pretty hilarious. When I read about that "limp dishrag" I sure fell out of my chair laughing. Also, back in Book Three, Rockecenter was specifically doing pregnancy checks, not virginity tests. It involved watching women go to the toilet.
Things get even more confusing when Gris again tries to get some money out of Mrs. Bey nee Pinch, only to be told that they have to consummate the marriage, otherwise it isn't legal. All the girls rage at Gris for trying to annul his marriage(s), he protests that they were refusing to have sex with him due to fear of miscarriage earlier-
They're chugging champagne and smoking pot while pregnant.
-but the former Miss Candy points out that "We've got two virgins here, just for the purpose of consummation!" Because you don't count as married until you consummate it (which has horrifying implications for that marriage at the end of Battlefield Earth), and you can't consummate a marriage unless the woman you consummate it with is a virgin (the man's chastity doesn't matter, of course), but the woman you consummate your marriage with doesn't have to be the woman you actually married, and you can't pee if you're pregnant.
Figuring out this book's logic is like watching a plane fly sideways.
Things get heated and champagne glasses get thrown at Gris until he hides under the sofa and yells that of course he wants to be married to them, and certainly doesn't think they're monsters, nor did he marry them only for their money. So the girls get on with their consummation.
Another version of the wedding march was blaring out:
Here comes the bride,Fit to be tied.To how many boyfriends,Has this chick spread wide?Here comes the groom,A relic from a tomb,All the guests are laughingAs he meets his doom.
I dared to peek out.
I could see the bottom of the bed.
Feet were twisting and turning, four pairs.
"Oh, you darling!" came Candy's voice.
"What's going on?" I pleaded, staring. "I'm the husband!"
"Beat it, buster," came the drunken voice of Mrs. Bey nee Pinch. "This ish OUR conshummation, not yoursh!"
A champagne bottle exploded in a cascade of fizz.
Must be something about harmonics and vibrations that routinely makes objects in Mission Earth explode or fly off the walls or mantle during lovemaking.
Gris, feeling strangely "like a fifth wheel," goes to bed and has a nightmare in which he's pretending to be Heller pretending to be the marriage license clerk stamping on a coffin containing "Soltan Gris" to marry the Manco Devil to Lombar Hisst with Rockecenter on hand as the best man. Or in other words, the surreal nightmares the author comes up with make just as much sense as the rest of the plot.
But what really woke me up sweating was when a Manco Devil stepped out of the coffin and pointed a finger at the middle of my forehead. He--or was it a she?--said "Ask yourself. Is this all happening to you because you did it to Heller?"
And the answer is a resounding "No! This happened to me because I am balefully stupid, easily manipulated, terminally lazy, but most importantly of all, balefully stupid, I cannot stress my lack of intelligence enough."
I knew right then, as I stared into the spinning darkness, that things were going to get WORSE!
That seems to be the recurring theme of Mission Earth, yes. The author keeps finding new depths to plumb. Chapter after next, we meet Teenie.
Back to Chapter Four
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Part Forty-Eight, Chapter Four - Weddings Episode
Gris is still pretty shellshocked, which is problematic when he's supposed to be narrating this story. He ended chapter two with his head spinning and eyes wide and staring. He starts this chapter by waking up from a series of nightmares involving Voltarian characters like Meeley the landlady and members of the Death Battalion, who we haven't seen since Book One, or 1,854 pages ago.
But the author had a problem - he needed to update us on Heller's heartbreaking condition. So when Gris stumbled away from getting blackmailed into marriage in Chapter Two, he just so happened to be staring at the uncovered, active viewscreen when he flopped down in his room, just when Heller happened to be looking into his missing girlfriend. And despite Gris' mental state he was able to recall Heller's activities how many months later when he wrote the "confession" that makes up most of this book. Even though he wasn't cogent enough to comment or react in any way to the events of Chapter Three, despite being the book's narrator.
Unlike most of the other issues arising from the "Gris as narrator" premise, this one at least is incredibly easy to solve - simply move the chapter where Heller finds that Krak has left him a few dozen pages to a point where Gris is able to properly react to it, or at least feasibly notice it. But no, for whatever reason the author needed it to happen concurrently with Gris getting roped into marriage. Probably symbolism or something - the good guy loses his girl, the bad guy gets two he doesn't want.
But anyway, this chapter. Gris gets dressed and sleepwalks through the morning all gloom and doomy - he hears the fridge door closing as gunfire giving him a "final grave salute." A becloaked Candy and Pinchy drive him in their Datsun to Hartford, Connecticut, "Population 819,432 ½," bringing the story's "satire" down to historic new lows. They go to city hall and join a line of "frightened men and gleeful women" waiting for their marriage documents, all arranged beforehand by private detectives.
When Gris and the girls get to the front of the line, Candy and Pinch throw off their cloaks to reveal that Candy's in a wedding gown and Pinch is dressed as a bridesmaid! Which isn't a dramatic reveal at all! Makes you wonder why the author even bothered to conceal the outfits in the first place!
They do so, and Gris leaves the courthouse both legally married and feeling a vague sense of unease about that ceremony. You see it, don't you? Yeah, the clerk totally said "awful wedded wife!" And then sentenced them to marriage! Like it was a punishment!
So did Hubbard have a happy relationship with his wife? He's presenting Earth marriage as something coercive and mechanical here, and then there's how Krak keeps going around raping minds and causing problems behind good ol' Heller's back. Is this how the author felt about his wife's less-than-legal activities, or is this how he want us to think he felt about the crimes she committed, widely suspected to be if not directly by his orders, but at least with his consent?
Anyway, Candy and Pinch put on a show for everyone in the parking lot - except Gris, because once you're married you stop getting any from that lady - by swapping outfits in the back of the Datsun. Then they drive to Springfield, Massachusetts ("Population 167,500 ⅔"), go into the courthouse, meet an identical clerk, and go through another rapid-fire marriage. But midway into it Gris realizes that he's signing not as Inkswitch, his identity as a Rockecenter spy, but as Sultan Bey!
Yeah, as they explain in the parking lot, Candy and Pinch overheard Gris babbling to himself "in some outlandish tongue that could be Turkish" while sleeping one night, and found his Turkish passport and birth certificate lying around. So they nailed him with that name instead of his Fed cover identity. Something inside of Gris snaps and he tries to introduce himself as Jettero Heller, but the girls laugh him off, teasing that next he'll be saying he's the other name he babbles in his sleep, Soltan Gris.
It'll be two chapters before the penny drops. Actually, that's not quite accurate, Gris will still have to have the situation explained to him.
Back to Chapters Two and Three
But the author had a problem - he needed to update us on Heller's heartbreaking condition. So when Gris stumbled away from getting blackmailed into marriage in Chapter Two, he just so happened to be staring at the uncovered, active viewscreen when he flopped down in his room, just when Heller happened to be looking into his missing girlfriend. And despite Gris' mental state he was able to recall Heller's activities how many months later when he wrote the "confession" that makes up most of this book. Even though he wasn't cogent enough to comment or react in any way to the events of Chapter Three, despite being the book's narrator.
Unlike most of the other issues arising from the "Gris as narrator" premise, this one at least is incredibly easy to solve - simply move the chapter where Heller finds that Krak has left him a few dozen pages to a point where Gris is able to properly react to it, or at least feasibly notice it. But no, for whatever reason the author needed it to happen concurrently with Gris getting roped into marriage. Probably symbolism or something - the good guy loses his girl, the bad guy gets two he doesn't want.
But anyway, this chapter. Gris gets dressed and sleepwalks through the morning all gloom and doomy - he hears the fridge door closing as gunfire giving him a "final grave salute." A becloaked Candy and Pinchy drive him in their Datsun to Hartford, Connecticut, "Population 819,432 ½," bringing the story's "satire" down to historic new lows. They go to city hall and join a line of "frightened men and gleeful women" waiting for their marriage documents, all arranged beforehand by private detectives.
When Gris and the girls get to the front of the line, Candy and Pinch throw off their cloaks to reveal that Candy's in a wedding gown and Pinch is dressed as a bridesmaid! Which isn't a dramatic reveal at all! Makes you wonder why the author even bothered to conceal the outfits in the first place!
The clerk said, "DoyouCandyLicoricetakethismantobeyourawfulweddedhusband?"
"Yes," Candy said.
"DoyouSultanBeytakethiswomantobeyourawfulweddedwife?"
A sharp instrument in the hands of Pinch prodded me. "Ow!" I said.
The clerk raised a gavel and brought it down on the desk with a sharp rap. He said in his rapid slur of a voice, "BythepowersinvestedinmebytheStateofConnecticutIherebysentenceyoutomarriage. Signthebok. Paythecashier."
They do so, and Gris leaves the courthouse both legally married and feeling a vague sense of unease about that ceremony. You see it, don't you? Yeah, the clerk totally said "awful wedded wife!" And then sentenced them to marriage! Like it was a punishment!
So did Hubbard have a happy relationship with his wife? He's presenting Earth marriage as something coercive and mechanical here, and then there's how Krak keeps going around raping minds and causing problems behind good ol' Heller's back. Is this how the author felt about his wife's less-than-legal activities, or is this how he want us to think he felt about the crimes she committed, widely suspected to be if not directly by his orders, but at least with his consent?
Anyway, Candy and Pinch put on a show for everyone in the parking lot - except Gris, because once you're married you stop getting any from that lady - by swapping outfits in the back of the Datsun. Then they drive to Springfield, Massachusetts ("Population 167,500 ⅔"), go into the courthouse, meet an identical clerk, and go through another rapid-fire marriage. But midway into it Gris realizes that he's signing not as Inkswitch, his identity as a Rockecenter spy, but as Sultan Bey!
Yeah, as they explain in the parking lot, Candy and Pinch overheard Gris babbling to himself "in some outlandish tongue that could be Turkish" while sleeping one night, and found his Turkish passport and birth certificate lying around. So they nailed him with that name instead of his Fed cover identity. Something inside of Gris snaps and he tries to introduce himself as Jettero Heller, but the girls laugh him off, teasing that next he'll be saying he's the other name he babbles in his sleep, Soltan Gris.
"No, Sultan Bey," said Mrs. Bay nee Pinch. "Make up your mind to it. You are our lawfully wedded husband, for better or for worse, and even though you aren't much, we'll have to get used to it and so will you. Become accustomed to the fact that you are now probably the most married man on the entire eastern seaboard. The knots are irrevocably tied. Let's have some hamburgers and go home."
It'll be two chapters before the penny drops. Actually, that's not quite accurate, Gris will still have to have the situation explained to him.
Back to Chapters Two and Three
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Part Forty-Eight, Chapters Two and Three - Rolling Around on the Ground, In a Tree, While Drowning
The chapter starts with Gris being revived with water to the face, having passed out from hearing Candy and Pinch discuss marriage at the end of the last chapter. Finding him still speechless, the former lesbians grab dinner before returning to explain the situation, and set the mood by putting on the music that was playing "the first time you raped us."
Was the author planning to collect royalties once this started getting played at weddings after the Mission Earth craze swept the nation?
Gris of course doesn't like it and gets them to change the station, after which they lay out how it's going down. If Gris marries them - yes, both Miss Candy and Miss Pinch - Gris'll get the tens of thousands of dollars that by all rights he's obligated to as the Rockecenter family spook. If he refuses, they'll sue. They never disclose what they're going to sue him for, of course, nor acknowledge that since Rockecenter's policy won't allow for unwed pregnancies, they're the only ones who stand to lose anything in this situation, so Gris should be the one making demands.
But no, Gris is still panicking from remembering Izzy's description of the U.S. legal system two chapters ago, and reasons that his real name isn't Inkswitch anyway, so he forces his agreement out of his "voice pipe."
Right on cue, the radio station changes tracks to put on "one of those rare modern songs where one could understand the lyrics."
So what genre is "modern" music? Techno? Rap? J-Pop?
Anyway, that's Chapter Two, Gris being horrified at his upcoming coercive marriage.
Chapter Three concerns Heller realizing that his girlfriend is no longer sobbing like a heartbroken teenager in her room, but sobbing like a heartbroken teenager somewhere far away from him. The butler reveals that not only did Krak not say where she was going, but she took her maid with her... can you do that? Hire a staff for an apartment and then bring one along when you move to another city? Well, because of that and the fact that she hired a "fleet" of cabs to handle all her luggage instead of using the chauffeur, nobody knows where she went.
But upon hearing that Krak made a phone call, Heller's intuition, perhaps taking a cue from Gris' INSPIRATION!, tells him to check in with Mamie Boomp. She spends most of a page chewing him out over the phone for having "horsed that poor girl around enough," and being an aspiring bigamist. Heller of course is "out of [his] mind with worry," and has no idea what she's talking about.
The old question, satire or not? Is this meant to be incomprehensible, or does Hubbard expect us to understand running a double hitch on a little gold ring instead of handing over a diamond?
Since Mamie has proved less than helpful, Heller spends some time calling airlines to check if a Miss Heavenly Joy Krackle has booked any flights, then Twoey to see if Krak has come by to give him lessons lately, then Izzy, then Bang-Bang. Then he thinks to ask the butler if anything odd happened before Krak left, and gets told about a strange delivery - and as a matter of fact, "Isn't that the paper there, sir? Under that box?"
That moment when you realize the love of your life is an idiot who will believe anything she reads.
Back to Chapter One
Sweet little woman,
Please marry me,
Man and wife together,
How happy we will be.
And then we'll have some kiddies,
Maybe two or three,
So here's the ring, and there's the church!
Now come, my honey, be!
Was the author planning to collect royalties once this started getting played at weddings after the Mission Earth craze swept the nation?
Gris of course doesn't like it and gets them to change the station, after which they lay out how it's going down. If Gris marries them - yes, both Miss Candy and Miss Pinch - Gris'll get the tens of thousands of dollars that by all rights he's obligated to as the Rockecenter family spook. If he refuses, they'll sue. They never disclose what they're going to sue him for, of course, nor acknowledge that since Rockecenter's policy won't allow for unwed pregnancies, they're the only ones who stand to lose anything in this situation, so Gris should be the one making demands.
But no, Gris is still panicking from remembering Izzy's description of the U.S. legal system two chapters ago, and reasons that his real name isn't Inkswitch anyway, so he forces his agreement out of his "voice pipe."
Right on cue, the radio station changes tracks to put on "one of those rare modern songs where one could understand the lyrics."
I'm dying,
I'm dying,
I'm dying!
I'm rolling all over the ground.
I'm dying,
I'm dying,
I'm dying!
A poor devil that you've drowned.
I'm dying,
I'm dying,
I'm dying!
You've got me up a tree!
I'm dying,
I'm dying,
I'm dying!
And never more will be!
So what genre is "modern" music? Techno? Rap? J-Pop?
Anyway, that's Chapter Two, Gris being horrified at his upcoming coercive marriage.
Chapter Three concerns Heller realizing that his girlfriend is no longer sobbing like a heartbroken teenager in her room, but sobbing like a heartbroken teenager somewhere far away from him. The butler reveals that not only did Krak not say where she was going, but she took her maid with her... can you do that? Hire a staff for an apartment and then bring one along when you move to another city? Well, because of that and the fact that she hired a "fleet" of cabs to handle all her luggage instead of using the chauffeur, nobody knows where she went.
But upon hearing that Krak made a phone call, Heller's intuition, perhaps taking a cue from Gris' INSPIRATION!, tells him to check in with Mamie Boomp. She spends most of a page chewing him out over the phone for having "horsed that poor girl around enough," and being an aspiring bigamist. Heller of course is "out of [his] mind with worry," and has no idea what she's talking about.
"They never do," said Mamie. "All take and no give. Have you ever even handed over a diamond?"
"No," said Heller. "Miss B----"
"I thought not," said Mamie. "Thought the promise of the little gold ring was enough. Even when you knew you couldn't hitch it up to run double and knew it God (bleeped) well. The old story!"
The old question, satire or not? Is this meant to be incomprehensible, or does Hubbard expect us to understand running a double hitch on a little gold ring instead of handing over a diamond?
Since Mamie has proved less than helpful, Heller spends some time calling airlines to check if a Miss Heavenly Joy Krackle has booked any flights, then Twoey to see if Krak has come by to give him lessons lately, then Izzy, then Bang-Bang. Then he thinks to ask the butler if anything odd happened before Krak left, and gets told about a strange delivery - and as a matter of fact, "Isn't that the paper there, sir? Under that box?"
He stared at the legal paper. He read it. He stared at it again. Then he crumpled it up with a savage closure of his hand.
"Blast them! I understand now," he said. He slumped down on the bottom of the bed. Then he said, "That poor kid. The people who keep this rotten legal system going should be killed. Oh, the poor kid." And he was crying.
That moment when you realize the love of your life is an idiot who will believe anything she reads.
Back to Chapter One
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